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Hi everyone. I'm Erin and it's been far too long since I've checked in on this board. I've tried out a handful of face to face meetings in the last couple of weeks but I haven't yet found one that's a good fit. As a "double winner" myself, I know I felt my best when I was working both programs consistently but when my alanon sponsor moved to England in early spring I really let my whole alanon program go to the wayside.
My A/CH husband has really done it this time and I finally feel enough pain to make a big change. I have a thirteen-month-old daughter and am currently about 6 months pregnant. Two weeks ago after spending a lovely sober morning together (in which he met with his sponsor in NJ and we both went to an AA meeting there together) he decided to leave his pregnant wife and baby stranded for 4-5 hours in a Pathmark parking lot in an unknown location of NJ while he took off with the car to go smoke crack. I eventually found another ride home to Brooklyn, where we live. He supposedly had about 8 months sober at the time he picked up. Am I married to a sociopath? I know for me, that is enough time away from a drink or a drug to have a little bit of pause before the action of picking up. And I know some are sicker than others, but come on now... Has he really been using all along and I just haven't caught him? At least that could make some sense to me out of an otherwise unfathomable situation.
Trust has been obliterated. What is a marriage without trust? I don't know... but it seems pretty important to me.
Finally after riding the emotional rollercoaster for a while, making sure not to act impulsively or out of anger, decided that we need a trial separation. I've talked this issue to death and I think I found just a little bit of peace in my decision. I want him to prove he can stay sober for a year (a feat he has never achieved in his 13+ years of addiction) before he can come back and live with his wife and children. I need the physical and emotional space to heal myself and I also feel that perhaps this will bring some clarity to him as well.
Weve done this dance so many times since weve been together that Im dizzy and sickened. He has walked away unscathed from practically every relapse. He has managed to keep his job and law license despite previous arrests. He has walked away from crippling car crashes without a scratch. He has managed to convince me to let him come home and give him one more chance at least a dozen times But not this time If I keep doing the same thing and expect different results Im insane and I know that for all my faults I have a good healthy part of me that can see clearly that this has not worked for either of us. Perhaps coming home and not having the happy family to greet him at the top of the stairs will make him see just how real his problem is. I dont know I realize it might not help at all, but I do think its worth a shot.
Right now Im going through that really painful transition period. Ive told him we need to separate and let him know my expectations of him financially and otherwise. But we are still in the same apartment him on the couch and me in the bedroom. I still have to see him every night when he comes home from work and he is on his best behavior, helping with the household and the baby more than ever before. He is a wonderful father and husband when he is sober but that just makes it all the more excruciating. I just want to find an apartment today and moved in there tomorrow but I know that its going to take a little time before all the details are sorted through and that can happen.
Im sorry for the lengthy post and for anyone who has been able to make it all the way through, your thoughts and shared experiences are much welcomed. Thanks for reading and please do respond.
Welcome and I am so sorry you and your children have to go through this. Just remember to take care of yourself and first things first, one day at a time. Just take care of what you can do today.
It sounds from your post that you are the one who will be moving. I encourage you to take inventory of what is best for you given you have a baby and are pregnant. Perhaps it would be easier for him to leave?
God bless and keep coming back. Others will be along soon. Babysteps
I do hate to hear what this disease can do to families...
As a self-proclaimed "double winner", you have probably heard this before, but I have heard my father (25 years sober) say that every day, he has to decide this day I will not drink.
I have heard others say it is not that way for them... but I believe my father when he says it.
Each person is a bit different and if the triggers are strong ... and thier faith and commitment to sobriety is on the edge... it could happen to anyone.
I am glad you have reached out here... especially if you are not having luck finding a home group. We are here for you and are right there with you in many cases.
You are in my thoughts and prayers as you decide what is best for you and your children... what ever you do... we are behind you.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Welcome back home. Congratulations on the new baby. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know that feeling of trust and how it can be obliterated. Hubby relapsed for 4 days last week. It didn't bother me because he told me. He had a year of sobriety. But yesterday it got to me. I was too exhausted after work to come on line for a meeting. Now suddenly I am questioning him, and my ability to handle a long term relapse should that occur. Those same old Pre-Alanon feelings came back. Today, I'm feeling a bit better. He's going to his mental health counceling, and then we're coming back and veg. But there's a part of me that wants to search the house,pick a fight with him and do all those things I use to do. But what good would that do? I really have to concentrate to stay in the moment. I know he's sober, and am greatful for that. I don't know what the future holds for us. But at this time and place, I have to remember that I'm not alone in this journey. My Alanon family is right here with me and they always will be. Just like we are for you. Congratulations on being a double winner. You have lots to be proud of.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi there, I had left my husband several times in the hope that it would shock him into getting clean and sober but I never changed. The time before this I filed for divorce and was weeks away but took him back because he looked like he was doing ok. This time is different, I left because he told me I had to choose between my oldest child and him. I didn't buy into his weeks of sobriety being permanent, get upset by his threats of finding someone else (even when he actually did), jump at his beck and call, and now a year later, so much has happened I don't think I could ever go back to that life. I hope if you do leave it's not because you hope it will change him but because you want a serene life without all the chaos. I can't even imagine abandoning my pregnant wife and child in a parking lot in a strange place. I remember once I took the whole family (3 kids and his neice) camping for the oldest daughter's birthday in Oregon (we lived in WA). It was a good 5 hour drive and we fought in the car. When we got there he got out and started walking and didn't come back. We stayed there and camped 3 days and had a great time despite him but I remember at first I felt totally abandoned and didn't really know what to do. I pulled it together for the kids. I totally forgot about that until just now. Thanks for your share.
Hi Erin, got through your story NO PROBLEM. Arg, I'm so sorry this happened. I also wonder about how a person with at least several months of sobriety from a substance doesn't just plain old choose to relapse. At that point they're past the physical cravings and withdrawl, and crack doesn't have more than a few days of "withdrawl". He probably hasn't been sober as he's said, lots of us have been fooled, it's hard to tell and for me, I never did spend a lot of emotional energy trying to figure out if my A was sober or not.
He never was, maybe that's why.
Carolinagirl makes such an amazing point. She left her A several times but SHE never changed. I had to read that a couple of times before I realized what she said.
Please take care of your health, you must be exhausted, that baby is getting bigger and you'll need all your reserves just to deal with the older child and YOU. Can someone help you move? Or better yet he can move. You sound very together, I'm sure you can come up with a solution that is best for you, and we are right behind you for support or a push if you want one.
I don't think we've "met", so I'm very glad to meet you and hope to see you here as often as you can make it. Be good to you :) Kim
So glad you posted. Congratulations on deciding to take action. Its no picnic living with the unpredictability of the effects of alcoholism. It would be very difficult to be living with the A and seeing his good behavior.
The thing that drives me the most crazy is the emotional roller coaster as you say. I wish you the very best. Keep posting.
Thank you everybody for taking the time to respond. Your thoughts and kind words are so appreciated. I actually had the good fortune to be able to get away for a couple of days with the baby and my brother. Distance feels so good right now. Healing.... I of course have been over my decision to leave a thousand times. I don't know whether or not I've made the "right" one for the "right" reason. I have considered the possibility that I'm doing it to try to change him but I realize that it won't necessarily make a difference one way or another. All I know is that this living in the insanity has not worked for me and I'm sick and tired of the same old song and dance. Maybe after all is said and done I'll feel that I've made a big mistake and my choice will end up punishing me more than it helps. Maybe I'll feel a new sense of self relience and be that much closer to leaving permanently. Or just maybe things will come around and we can all live happily ever after together. I don't know. Of course that's what I'm hoping for but there is no certain outcome. More will be revealed. Some of you inquired more about the living situation - I don't believe either of us will be staying in our current apartment. It's way more money then we need to spend per month on one place, besides the fact that I will be happy to get out of there. I want a fresh-ish start. Something more managable and baby friendly i.e. not a three story walk-up with a baby under each arm and the additional trips up and down for the laundry, groceries and baby equipment etc. that comes with running a household. Also I'll be happy to say goodbye to our downstairs A neighbor and his homeless junkie friends that often occupy our front porch. I think that alone can paint a good picture of how and why the pregnant lady feels more up to moving than staying. Anyway baby is crying - need to go tend to her. Thanks again everyone! I'll check in again soon.
You wouldn't happen to "hERINg", would ya, from fish night? LOL, sorry for the mix-up if you're not...
I don't know what to say, other than you need to take care of yourself and the babies. I am kind of in the same boat, wondering how much more I can take of my soberA's dishonesty, etc.
Just keep coming here to vent, it sure makes me feel better after I post!
Maybe you're doing the "right" thing for the "wrong" reason, but the important thing is that you are doing something to bring yourself peace. Even if there is a part of you that subconsciously wishes that your moving will snap him into being the loving, sober husband and father you wqnt him to be, make the move that you want to make. Whether your wish for his transformation come true or not, you'll still be taking a step forward rather than running in place, or worse, going backward. It sounds like you have a lot of practical reasons for the move as well, so whether your husband decides to get clean is a possibility, but moving into a better place for yourself and your children is such a healthy step for you to take, regardless of the underlying reasons.
Good luck, and take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
