The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I found out after I posted yesterdays topic that part of my trouble was that again he was lying and he was not sober. I suspected it, but had no proof. I really realize now that he is in really bad shape. He came over yesterday and before we even got to town he was shaking and going through some heavy withdrawls. He was actually giving me the creeps on the way home, with his figiting and all. (Jen shudders) They say every slip gets worse and now I believe it. He is worse off than he has been since I have known him. I know there is nothing I can do for him, except make sure he knows that I love him. I did that last night. I told him how much I love him that I think he is good a person. He is the most kind , loving, caring dedicated, open-minded, tolerant person that I know. I realize that all he sees is a monster, and what I say may have little effect on that, but I am going to try to do this when I see him from now on. I don't want something to happen to him and not to have said I love you. Also I have realized that in defense my words have done an awful lot of tearing down instead of building up, as was mentioned in a recent post on this forum. I am going to try to change that in other parts of my life too. I am still going to take steps to protect myself and the boys though. I am going in today to make some changes at the bank and to put out some fliers to try to gain some work at home to give us some stability. I can't count on him to put money in the bank at all, while he is still active and to tell the truth, I think I'm past ever counting on him for that again anyway. That's probably a good thing. Thank you al for the replies to my last topic. Your support helps sustain me.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
It's so touching how you are choosing to build him up, put "words in his head" from you that support his (hopefully) eventual recovery. That only comes from a truly loving heart, and I have great respect for you. It's hard to put the anger and insecurity aside to reach out lovingly to someone who cannot give back the same.
You are my hero.
I hope you get "overwhelmed" with responses and work opportunities! Well, you know what I mean :D
Thanks, Kim, I don't feel much like a hero, though. I feel more like someone who just realized they are losing a cherished friend and that I have never said nearly enough times how much I love and respect this person, in spite of his illness.
I went to the bank and closed two joint accts. One other will take time for checks to come thru, and the other is a savings acct with nothing much in it. I left it open cause he can't really do any harm with it. Anyway, it was a sad affair, but I got it done. The lady at the bank is a friend and assured me that he can't take money out of the new acct that I opened. She said it was their responsibility and she could even send out an alert to the other branches to be sure there would be no confusion. I was relieved at that. I like this bank and didn't want to change.
When I told him this evening when he called, he just cried again. I believe his tears are genuine now, though it doesn't matter. I treat him like they are, with compassion. It is hard. There is so much pain and anger. But I see how much he is hurting, and I love him so much. I was able, again to stop myself from the destructive words that try to get out. A victory for me. I told him how much I love him and some of why.
I hope this doesn't sound too sappy. I just feel like for some reason I am suddenly in tune with how hard he has tried in his own way. He has tried so hard for us. He just hasn't been able to do it for himself, and that's the key. He can't succeed unless he does it for himself. Maybe this is just a last ditch effort to turn him around. I wondered about that. Then decided that kindness and compassion can't hurt no matter what happens.
I know this seems like it is suddenly all about him, but I have always been the push-me-I'll push-back kind of person. Sometimes I have hated that about myself. I have wished I could be more loving in the face of threatening emotional issues. Somehow I have gotten to that place. I don't know how. Maybe it's desperation. I hope its not just a temporary emotional wave. I don't feel crazy right now, just very scared at having to go it on my own, and very sad.
I'm sorry that this turned into a book. It just feels good to let it out.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
You know, there is a certain peace that came over me as I realized my wife was trying... just miserable and confussed. The strange thing was that she has always been very functional outside of the issues of our relationship and her drinking.
Perfectly working machine .... then whamo, crazy as a loon.
One of my favorite prayers says... grant me compassion, without empathy overwhelming me.
There was such a time that I was just pissed that she could act the way she did. Then I went overboard with compassion and allowed her to run all over me because she was "sick". Now, as you say... some things are sad, but calm and it doesn't have to play into my decissions... it just is what it is.
As for being scared.... it takes no courage to do things you were not scared of.
For me those feelings were not despiration... and my friends here said they were markers of growth and faith that no matter what... I was going to be ok. Changes your whole take on the rest of the world.
Just a few thoughts...
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
For the most part even in themiddle of craziness the A could hold it together for 7 years. This last year he's lost that. He's not been able to regroup. Nevertheless I have faith in him. I dont' have faith for our relationship but I have faith HP has a plan for him. I know I am not part of it and can distance myself. Thanks for letting us know what is going on. I can't tell you how much it helps my shame that I know others are dealing with people who are totally out of control.
Thanks you guys. I like that prayer. Empathy overwhelming me sounds suspiciously like codependency.LOL I'm doing ok today. I may get to an open NA meeting tonight. I have never been to one, but people from my f2f Alanon groups keep telling me they help, so i think I'll give it a try.If not tonight then there's one Sat.
Anyway, thanks again for the thoughts and ESH.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
