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i was reading one of Melody Beatties books on the weekend which I can't find at the moment because my room is a wash with boxes and I can't find anything at all. I realised I needed a new rule Is it going to hurt me. Right now the A is playng victim and passive. He has no money and makes no effort to get any money. He has trashed the truck and the insurance (what there is of it) isnt' paying to get it fixed. That was over a month ago. He has another car about 100 miles away. That doesn't work that well but it works he makes no effort to go get that car.
He alternatively plays the game of being evasive and acting crazy. That stuff would trigger me into coughing up before I would feel so reponsible for him. I paid him 2 weeks ago when he bought the dog up. Since then he's done nothing for me and i've done nothing for him. He complains all the time he has no clean clothes when he could wash his clothes by hand and hang them out to dry. That would be too easy for him. Now he's on the tack that slayed me before of being ill. Well this weekend trying to move on my own I was pretty ill too. I had numerous asthma attacks and had to stop and rest for quite a while. I was in the zone where I could have had to go to the hospital with it.
I am getting some help with installing a air condititioner someone is giving me that will help and a curtain blind that will take a lot of the heat out of the greenhouse I've got as a room. In some ways this room is worse than the last one. The good thing is I have my dog and no longer have to worry about her. She is happy and content and relieved I am sure. She gets fed, walked and loved every day. In time I'll have more time to work on where to go next.
I never had the rule of is it going to hurt me before. Now I know that my giving to the A till it hurt really did me in. At the same time I wanted to say I tried. I know now he is not trying at all. He is stiing and waiting for someone to come rescue him. He talks now of moving many states away without any plan. That is also a hook for me because that in the past would have triggered my feelings of abandonment. Abandonment has by now after all he has done including finally trashing the truck is the least of my concerns. I consider him an incredible burden and a liability.
One of my A's recent complaints about me is "All you care about is how something is going to affect you!"
Like that is a bad thing ? Maybe or her, it is, but for me it's virgin soil on which to tread. :)
By thinking about how something will affect me and deciding before hand, I'm not in the martyr or victim role as often. I don't do it perfectly but it's progress for me.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Hi again , part of our insanity is doing the same thing over and over again , expecting that this time it will work out differently and as your post suggests it does not . Keep the focus on your needs , he is not your responsibility and never was . He is only doing what has worked for him in the past so expect the pressure to increase as you continue to say NO . Abandonment is always a ? for me I came to the conclusion yrs ago that I abandoned myself along time ago , forgot about my wants and needs to focus on someone who didn't want my help anyway . - go figure . This disease takes the man and leaves us with someone we don't recognise any longer , stepping aside and allowing them the dignity to do thier life the way they choose is the hardest part of recovery for me , but absolutley necessary if there is to be any change . good luck Louise
I like how you referred to him pushing your buttons as triggers, it seems that's really what it is huh...triggers to our addiction. I love how strong you sound. I remember my A did the following:
I am sick (physical withdrawl from alcohol or heroin)... I am going to kill myself... I am going to move to another country... You'll never hear from me again... Marriage vows mean in sickness and health... You'll never get a dime of child support if you go to the state... Then there were all the I wont do _________ unless you let me come stay. I don't have anywhere to go... I need your help...
If you'll recall, just last week I posted about a letter I got from him asking if he could stay for a few weeks when he gets out of prison - YA RIGHT!
We have been separated for a year now and I guess it's time for me to totally cut the cord, I feel strong enough now that I know I can do this on my own and I don't need him or his help or hinderance and that's the key! Through time and distance I have gained strength.
As I see it, you giving to him is just resentment waiting to be born!
One thing that really helped me was working with these mean southern women down here. They would always say don't you give him a dime!!! He's just going to go out and spend it on drugs/alcohol and you need that money for the kids. Didn't matter where the money came from, that was their stock answer. I remember one time washing his clothes for him and my boss laughing at me and making some comment about how sick that was (not those exact words) and I didn't even realize the absurdity of it until I had the perspective of these "normal" people. Turns out my boss grew up with an addict mom and alcoholic brother so she knew the deal.
I like your new rule I have an addition not only does it hurt me and if the answer is yes don't do it but does it HELP me and if the answer is NO don't do it~!!!
thanks as always for all your support. I need to remember how ruthless this man is. He illegally transferred the truck into his name when I was trying to get it legally. He dodged and dodged and dodged my attempts to get the truck. Then when it suited him (well I guess it didn't he was starving) he contacted me and played victim. Then he played tin god about being homeless. He would not access services. He used the dogs ruthlessly as a way to make me feel guilty. All that time he could have stayed at his uncles but he refused to!
he can still stay at his Uncles. For the enitre year he has been saying he wants to stay there. He has a place. He has good there. Will he go?
No now he wants to move a couple of states away!!!!!
He will never do anything rational.
he'll say stuff to me like Oh yu got a refridgerator!!!!
I actaully don't even have room to get anything in a refridgerator.
He has landed hmself in this mess and plays every trick in the book not to take reposnsibility for it.
When I mentioned to him last night his case for hit and run he said well that is a mistake. Well I guess the district attorney doesn't feel that way because they are proceeding.
I have to remember whenever I feel sorry for him that he is ruthless and a liar and he chose chose chose over an dover to allow drug addicts to come to our house. He chose to bring those people in and he chose to associate with them. Only someone who is doing drugs does that. Anyone else is, as I was, supremely uncomfortable around them.
Deny, deny,deny any responsibility. That's what my AH has done. They do it even after they really are trying to change,(which they are not if they are not sober). Mine often doesn't even realize he is doing it 'til I point it out to him.
I really like both your new rules. I think I am ready to make them mine, too.
Keep the faith, Y'all. Have a great day!
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
