The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For many months I had been obsessing about what I should do about avoiding an active A episode with my AH. I found myself thinking about it all the time rather than simply surrender. The solutions involved going to a hotel, locking the master bedroom, wearing earplugs in the bedroom, leaving for my mothers, going back to school, getting a job out of town, etc. I was still attending meetings and on my part, felt I was working the steps. But in my head I carried this one giant fear of being present when the A starts his stuff. I just went through another night obsessing about what I should/could do. It has become and obsession which allows me to imagine I have control over myself, my feelings and thoughts, and him. My AH is not voilent but it bothers me to watch him. I get caught up in my own fears. Anyway, now I am pregnant and am fearing my own fear of being with him even more. I guess I am just going to work with the tools, pray, etc. I hope I can do this when I am dead tired. Late night seems to be a big issue for me because I am just exhausted and its much harder to feel any peace by using the tools, praying etc. HALT sets in and I am toast. I have a plan to go to a hotel in the worst case but would love ESH from people who live with active A and what solutions they have that worked for the middle of the night. I guess I also have to admit that I am afraid of labor and delivery and am on week 37. Its easy to blame the A for any anxiety I may feel instead of focus on what I can do for me. Thanks for reading. This is where I am at today. I plan to focus on the positive (for me) today which include packing up my stuff for the hospital and preparing a bunch of food in advance, making sure I don't isolate and practice staying quiet. If thoughts about the A enter my head, I will try to surrender them.
I do not live with an active A, but nonetheless, I am no stranger to obsession! And at times it really grips me by the throat, so I thought I would go ahead and share my ES&H.
The most important thing I have found for me is that I can not use my WILL to stop my obsession. Chastising myself for obsessing or trying to make myself stop hasn't worked. However, here is what has worked for me:
One day I found myself obsessing, obsessing, obsessing over a recent break-up. I sat down and made a list of five choices for THAT day. First on my list was: 1) Obsess from 9-5. Just putting this down this way helped me laugh and see both that this really where I had been at for the last few days and being honest about it helped me consider other choices. Then, I put down four more choices which included things I really wanted and needed to do. I ended up choosing option five which included studying for an upcoming an exam, having a nice walk, calling a good friend, and having a nice dinner. Having my choices written out and really choosing helped. One possiblity in your situation might be to write out your choices and realize that you don't have to make the choice in advance. Then, when the situation arises and your A comes home blitzed, you can pull out your list of options and choose what works for you AT THAT MOMENT.
The other thing that has helped me is the phrase that I picked up at an Alanon meeting "That which is not present is not reality." Last week when I was obsessing about an on-going situation with my A father, I took a long walk but could not fully shake my obsessing about the situation. Towards the end of the walk, I remembered that phrase, "That which is not present is not reality." For the first time during my walk, I looked around, laughed and thought my father is not here! So, that which is not present is not reality for me right now.
I have also found that it helps to just throw myself into another actvity--listening to music, working on a project I enjoy, making up and singing a little song about my troubles (a version of praying that I find very helpful), are all things I have done that have worked to break my obsessing. I have found just shifting focus to the project helps me just naturally move out of obsession to enjoying the present moment.
In general, I try to maintain gentleness with myself on this issue. I am doing SO much better, but it is still on on-going issue and I realize that just gentle working on it will help me.
Take an honest, non denying look at the likelihood of whether he will have an episode (I know you can never really tell, but some A's act out when under pressure, some smarten up for a while when the pressure is on, and have their binge later, that type of thing) when you really won't be able to handle it, such as when you are in labour.
Then make some appropriate plans. For me, having a bag already packed in the trunk of my car gave me a lot of peace. So did sleeping in sweats and a t shirt instead of a nightie. Car gassed up, cell phone charged ... Knowing that if you need to you can get out of the house in two minutes takes a lot of the force out of your worry. If you can put the energy you are putting into obsessing into taking charge of your own life, some of it will dissipate on its own.
Do you go to face to face meetings? Being with real live humans who understand, stating your fears honestly and *out loud*, has an enormous power to knock out the crazy voice in our heads. Bad thoughts are more powerful when we keep them locked in our heads, just saying them to another person can help you separate the real legitimate fears that you can do something about from the crazy stuff.
The end weeks of my second pregnancy were a bad time for us, I feel for you. Try not to forget to do some of what you should be doing right now - dreaming about your baby, nesting, putting your feet up and eating right.
I have 3 kids, the youngest being 2. Though things were okay with my A during the period of time before birth (or so I thought - denial can be good), I had many awful obsessive times full of unfounded fears. If my A even started to discuss any big change I would flip inside. I just wanted to focus on having my baby and wanted all potential chaos to stop until that was accomplished. Completing small projects and tasks helped and gave me some sense of control.
I hope you can turn your focus to you and that sweet little baby you are carrying. "One day at a time" is a great slogan to live by right now.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
HI Goldie , congrats on soon to arrive baby . enjoy !! Obsession is a tough one alright been there done that many times all a waste of my time . Read all u can on one day at a time in our daily reader , you just gotta get thru today hon . tomorrow ya never know what God has planned . Worry someone told me is like sitting in a rocking chair it gives u something to do but gets you no where, love that one . Obsession , well I found a little trick that worked for me , maybe it will help , got an egg timmer ??? I would sit with the egg timer set for 5 min to either read or watch the news , promising myself if he pops into my head I will turn it off and try again later. well it took me 6 weeks 4 times a day to reach the 5 min mark sheeeeeeeesh . but I did it . then I found a one liner that says the definition of Serenity is having your mind and your body in the same place at the same time . Which was something I could not do for along time , today I can live in the NOW -- and have found my serenity . you will too .
Hi, I have been there too and all I can say from my experience is that it's pointless to stress on something that hasn't happened yet. Of course that's easier said than done. I think what I would do is get my things together, make sure I had a friend or relative ready to go to the hospital with me whether he's there or not and work on the baby's room maybe? Relax, read a book, watch some mind numbing tv or movie, sleep. I like abbyal's idea too and thanks for the serenity definition.
I can completely understand.I was there for a long long time. Friends told me I talked solely about him. I can still be there. For me the only tool has been to turn it over to the HP. I can't say I found that easy. Now I find it immensely comforting. I didn't take to it easily but when I do it I feel immense relief.
Thanks to all for taking the time to provide ESH. I feel much more hopefull and that I am not a crazy person for having these obsessions about AH. There a lot of great ideas here and I am going to try them. Thank you, Goldie
Dear all,
