The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I realize that I have always wanted to be the number one in my A's life. I now realize that that is completely unfair of me to expect that, but can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that I am always going to take a back seat to his recovery program. I understand that this is necessary. So what is it about this idea that has me in confusion and denial? His recovery is his life, literally. So what is it that I am feeling so threatened by? I feel so confused.
And the next problem is that when I feel threatened, I get nasty tempered. I am having a real hard time being civil to the A today. It is Monday, his day off and our meeting night. There is not a thing in this world today that he could do that I will be happy with. I hate myself when I feel like this. It's not good for any of us. I don't want to feel like this, but don't know how to get out. I have always wanted a relationship where I could talk about these kind of feelings, too. So I guess I'm also resentful of the fact that when I have shared my feelings or we have started to lear how to interact with some semblance of trust between us, he has actually learned how to use what we learned to better hide his drug use and manipulate me. I was so hopeful that I was not prepared for this. It never occured to me that once we started to talk honestly and work through our problems that he would do this. I guess I just foolishly thought that the honesty would infect him and things would get better. I know that sounds niave. It leaves me reeling, wondering if honesty will ever be able to become a constant in our lives together. And with that in mind will there ever be a together, because I don't know if I can live and raise my children with someone who has no capacity for honesty.
I feel like I'm rambling a bit now. Thanks to anyone who has read this far.
Also, I realized that I did not say thank you to all who responded to an earlier topic of mine a few days ago. It was about finding a way to work from home. I appreciate all of your replies and I did read them, but was very tired that night and meant to reply the next day. I got busy and forgot. I am very sorry.
I feel better now just getting it all out. Everyone have a nice day and try to take a few minutes for yourselves.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I would have to look at it like this.........Say you are in a foreign country right? It would take you a very long time to comunicate or learn their language. That's a bit where he's at. He has to learn to be a part of society and in a good relationship. You want it and you want it now! It's just not going to happen....not just yet. Work on your patience and he will learn with the help of you and the program that he can be honest. I'm sure he has many defenses up as it is. :) Vent anytime, that's what we are here for.
Oh Jen, I'm just glad you got this out and that you have a meeting tonight. If we aren't displaced by the active disease then we watch them take off in their own recovery and have to let go there too.
The disease betrays us, perhaps the pain you feel is the disease's complete disregard for anything "holy" in a marraige.
It's an awful realization to get what you think you want and find that it is a daily trial you'd rather be doing anything else BUT.
I know it hurts but it sounds like you are facing hard truths about your situation. It's always darkest before the dawn.
You are doin good Jen , your still commin here and sharring . Resenting his meetings is not new , but i had to come to terms with the fact that a hr coffee break with my husb , and maybe alaugh or two was more than we had when he drank . You it's - our meeting nite ? hopfully your attending Al-Anon while he is attending AA for himself . We have some amazing books to help with sobriety small red book called Living with sobriety , is awsome also our Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage , is fantastic it talks alot about after sobriety , tips on how to comminicate which were invaluable to me cause I sure didn't know how to do it right . sheeeeeesh. Some times sober is all they can manage for awhile . Enjoy and don't miss the Good Days . I had a fantacy in my head of the way my life should be after sobriety had to get rid of it for both of our sakes and accept what was offered , things change continually as he is sober longer , it does get better . Louise
