The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm still very much in the process of moving. I had to get a storage unit and will be moving stuff in there over the next few weeks. I feel incredibly lonely without the A;'s drama taking up center stage. I also feel very concerned for him and his legal issues.
I feel a complete fool for putting up with him for years and always taking back stage. I also feel left out, abandoned but feel confused by that since he abandoned himself so long ago I doubt he can feasbily be said to abandon me. I know without a shred of a doubt he needs, craves and lives drama day in and day out. He does not on any shape or level want sobriety. Even after all he has been trhough, homelesseness, destitution he is still not willing to give up his behavior(s). One some levels they still work for him and he is not yet at a bottom. His next bottom is jail and he has defintiley been there before so I don't know if he has a bottom.
One the other hand I have one. I know I simply can't last physically or emotionally in homelessness and destitution. I also know I've been doing this for 7 years and he has got much much worse. The only reason I have survived at all is because I came here and am willing to look at myself. I really believe otherwise I would be off the deep end.
So I am lonley, sad, grieving, angry (but not raging thank god not raging anymore). I am also overwhelmed by the tasks ahead of me. Just moving on nothing is a hard task I have never done that before and that says a lot about my current commitment to get back on track with my bills.
I am so grateful to have my pets with me. I feel incredibly sad the A has the beagle but at the same time I'm not sure I can take her on. My resources are absolutely limited at this time.
I am so glad to have the opportunity to come here and speak my truth and know I am heard.
Hang in there. Things will look up soon. Once you get all moved and settled in, you'll feel better.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no idea when my oldest daughter will hit bottom. I've thought she was there a few times, but it wasn't meant to be.
She got another extended stay in jail this past March, and apparently called today while I was at work (my youngest hadn't gone to work yet) to let me know she was finally out.
I honestly have nothing to say to her other than I love her, and she has to live her life she way she chooses.
I did go to visit her about 6 weeks ago, and she spent the entire 30 minutes with a smirk on her face. She doesn't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. Sigh.
All I can do is take care of me, and she knows where I am should she chose recovery.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Hey girl, This is the hard part. I remember this, the A is so much the center of our lives that when we don't see them, talk to them, get involved with their drama, we feel empty. I went through this too. It took me a long long time to get through to the other side. At first I missed the chaos and drama, then I went out looking for a man to fill my hole (that didn't come out right :) Then one day something inside me clicked and I realized that I don't have to be in chaos all the time, I can sit and watch TV, read a book, take some classes, hang with the kids. I don't need to go dancing or drinking or looking for a man. The more I thought about it the more I realized they are usually more trouble than they're worth and why be looking for trouble? LOL Sorry guys...
Anyway, I felt this too and it's hard to get past the lonliness and empty feeling. I know you talked about getting another job, maybe this would be a good time to do that and fill up the empty space and time. I know my mind was constantly consumed with thoughts about the A and now he barely even enters it. It takes time, a change in thinking on your part and being busy developing your own life. That's what it took for me anyway. I had to change my thinking of being responsible for him to being responsible to myself and the kids. I had to change from rescuing or worrying about hurting his feelings to living my life and in a lot of ways making a life because he WAS my life. That seems so pitiful now to say that. Hope this helps!
