The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
But relief is what I've been feeling since yesterday afternoon when I discovered that the reason why my A never showed up or called Saturday afternoon was because he did start drinking again. And,in all honesty,I had at one time often felt that way when he's disappeared. Angry but relieved. I think that in my own dysfunctional mind, I knew he'd be back and be very sick from booze and I wanted him to suffer those effects. Partly because I was pissed and partly because this time I thought maybe he'd "get it". And though I been educated about alcoholism over the years,those kind of thoughts have not faded away totally. In the back of my mind I knew that was likely to be the reason we didn't here from him Saturday because that has always been his pattern - when he doesn't call or show up it's always been because he's drunk again. I just didn't want to believe it. All was going so well and this relapse felt like it came out of nowhere and threw me back a bit. I already know he'll suffer awful physical and mental consequences from this binge and I truly don't want him to go through it but such is life for him as long as this keeps happening. And I don't know what he's been out there doing but he makes an absolute fool of himself,greatly angers people, etc. It's always that way. Nothing new. Why I feel relief to know he's drunk is beyond me. He's a nice man and a lot of other good things and I hate to see this happen to him. I think I should accept the fact that he'll always drink sooner or later because it's always been that way. He's been to rehab several times, landed in the hospital more than a dozen times due to drinking. But he's also been in AA along the way and I kept the faith that he'd "get it". People have wondered if I'd ever "get it" about him. Well, I think I "get it" but I've never wanted to let go of him even when I thought I should. Since I know he's drunk, I don't have him on my mind as much. Maybe that's where my relief comes from. Whatever. If I continue in a relationship with him, I have to accept the fact that relapse is always there sitting on his shoulder, bubbling in his blood, creeping into his thoughts. One day at a time helps but when a relapse happens it knocks me off my feet and kicks me in the stomach 'til I get back up on the horse. I still don't know why I'm relieved to know he's drunk again! Jeez!! Thanks for "listeing"....jaja
I understand your feelings of relief. I too have thought I must be crazy to have such a feeling about my AH's relapse. I have two thoughts about why I must be feeling like this. One is that I REALLY did not think that my AH was going to be able to stay sober and now that he has proved that he can't (again) I think I feel relieved because I kept waiting for it to happen and now that it has I think I can move on. On to what, I am not sure.
Second reason: He has been an A the 22 years I have known him and I really don't know how to relate to him when he is sober. He usually was gone when he drank, not away from the home gone, but outside, by himself a lot. When he was sober, he was around ALL THE TIME, and all of a sudden interested it what I was doing. Sober or active, there are adjustments that can be difficult to understand.
I also wonder if this relief comes from not wanting to believe that in a rational, or at least as rational as it gets, frame of mind that he would disrespect you like that. Knowing that he didn't call, didn't show up was because he was under the influence somehow makes it less "his" responsibility for hurting you and making you worry.
i can relate, - the most crazy making time i have had with my partner was when he was in a program. i was used to parenting etc alone and suddenly this person wanted to be in my life in a big way! he had also stopped work to recover and was at home in the kitchen all day, but not a talker so kind of just sitting there in silence. it lasted just short of a year and i am gratefull it drove me back to meetings. it nearly drove me mad! i felt a tremenduos sense of relief when he decided he didnt have a problem after all, i just wanted some space back. i had spent years developing the ability to live separately and the sudden involvement was not on my wish list. 4 years later im not so affected by his choices, and i can see how unwell i was that i couldnt bear to be around him. i would not worry about why you feel the way you do, you may understand in time, or you may not, but either way you can be loving towards yourself today and that will help you get well.if all our feelings and choices made sense we probably wouldnt need a program. i have come to believe that all loving must start with love and kindness to ourself. i hope this reply helps cos i can really understand that relief....its not malicious, just pressure..we are only human.
Yes. I always felt relief as well....because before knowing he was drunk I would have so much fear about what happened to him, it was a relief knowing why he didn't call or never showed up. Its almost easier when there is a set pattern everyday of drunkiness because at least then I don't get any expectations of sobriety. I know what to expect and can make my plans with or without him.
