The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I must have an invisible tatoo on my forehead which says "tell me your problems" or "let me solve all of your problems" or "World problem solver extraordinaire." What the hell is wrong with me? I am the matriarch of family and other family members think I have the answer to anything and everything. It is okay to be capable and resourceful, however of late I want to move and change my name! Currently, my mother's dementia is progressing alarmingly. Many changes have occurred (that of course, I spear-headed or made happen) including a move to a new assisted living facility, hiring an elder advocate to help (help ME...where is everyone else?) get all of my mother's business in order to eventually apply for Medicaid and many doctor visits to assess her medical and mental state. I am just crashing and burning! I can intellectualize all of this, however I am disabled with MS and it is all starting to affect MY health. I am torn...I can't just "walk away" from my mother's life quality issues...she needs an advocate or a few from our family...but family dynamics can really rear their ugly head in times like these. In my quest for all of the paperwork that is needed, I went down a "memory lane" which involved being reminded of an abusive, alcoholic step-father, about how my role was one of Cinderella without a Prince, physical and sexual abuse while my mother "looked the other way" and how my younger sister is the "Real" daughter and has always been and still is golden. I yi yi! I need support here. It seems like if I do not "come to the plate" in my mother's care, she might as well pick out her interstate overpass for her new living place. I have fantasies of just disappearing and letting happen what will happen. HP help me! Thanks for letting me vent, Namaste and Love, Diana
Hello Diana! I often feel like I am the problem solver fo the family The truth is, I may do a great job solving the problems of everybody else, but I have trouble taking care 9of my OWN problems.
YOu need to rememebr...YOUR HEALTH is your main concern. If Your MS will be aghgravated by all of the stress, you may need to ask your golden child sister to pitch in. Siblings need to each do their part in caring for parents. It should not be left up to jsut one.
My idea on how I handle things like this..I step back and see if somebody else steps up. As long as I do it all and nobody else has to lift a finger, why shoudl they bother?
I am also going through something like this - not nearly so dire, and not with my own family, but with my late husband's. I am starting to see where some of his less attractive traits came from !
Stating your needs clearly, keeping emotion as much as possible out of it, and just going for the practical reality, asking a quesiton over and over in the same words until you get an answer - these are some of the techniques I am tryng to use, and seeing some succcess with (when I actually DO it, rather than just think about t...). "Will you be taking Mom for her doctor's apppointments this week, or would you rather do her laundry and grocery shopping?" may get a better response from your sister than "Why aren't you helping me?" She may not like it, but it is harder to dodge a direct and practical question.
I entirely agree with lin on this one. Give siblings choices of what they want to do "this week" for Mom. If they decline all choices, then at least you know for sure where they are coming from.
I say good for you for seeing to your mother's needs. My own mother suffered dimentia, and like yours, it worsened at an alarming rate. One day, she asked me what my maiden name was...seemed like next day she did not know WHO I was. But we cannot hand them over to assisted living and wash our hands of the whole mess. At least I couldn't. Sounds like you couldn't either. The situation with Mom does not sound at all to me like codependency; but more like a daughter doing her part for an ailing parent.
But...you cannot be the be all and end all of knowledge and help for the entire family. Diana's mental and physical well-being has to take a top rung on the ladder. MS is something to be reckoned with, and those who don't understand or don't accept that should be flogged!! Let these folks know you have reached the point of exhaustion. Then back away from the pressures of their daily struggles.
I feel like I am rambling here, so I shall sum the whole thing up as succinctly and compendiously as I can.
Take care of YOU! DO what you can to care for Mom! Let the rest of it go.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thanks, Lin! I just got home from a Memory Disorder Clinic appointment for my Mom. I had told my little sis that she could Mom up from her assisted living apartment, help her get ready and MEET me at the appointment. I have taken to the fine art of delegation by saying thi...conference room stuff. Namaste
Thanks! I AM letting it go, without putting my mother's well being in jeopardy. There is an active plan that helps me "position" myself to "share" the responsibility of Mother's care. I made a call and an appointment with one of our family attorneys for Friday past. I picked up my Mother and drove her to the legal appointment.. My Mother executed a new DPOA - Durable Power of Attorney - Attorney in Fact and executed a new Living Will with a Healthcare Surrogate clause, naming myself and my little sis. Oh, by the way, my "little" sis is almost 40.. Our attorney and I talked with my Mother in simple language that she fully understood and explained the benefits of adding my little sis and my first cousin (who my Mom adores and trusts) to the DPOA. That change helps me greatly since I was the sole legal caregiver before the change. The first legal step has been taken. Read my response to Lin about the doctor's appointment today. I feel much better today. I no longer want to move and change my name. Namaste
I heard something funny on an al-anon speaker tape once. She ended up taking care of her mom who she had a strained relationship with in childhood. It ended up being a gift in the end.
The funny part was, she said that she could always have her mom watch CNN headline news. By the time they started repeating the stories, she had forgetten them already and she was rivetted. . . LOL
Hope that helped you find some humor in it all and I concur w/ everyone else that said, take care of YOU first. Remember the airplane message w/ the oxygen mask, place the mask on yourself first, THEN help others.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Thanks, Bob! Here's a little "technique" that I have found happily successful when my Mom is visiting me at my home. I turn the cable TV channel to "Big Band" music. My Mom sings beautifully and still knows all the words to old songs. Those lyric must be permantly etched in her memory! She is a former Sweet Adeline. Big band music along with with a stack of photos and "Frank" my kitten (who is really a teenage cat, now) is our formula of happy success. Plus, she is productively occupied and I feel good about it. Works for me! Diana
...conference room stuff.