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I have tried and tried to believe in my AH, but he just seems incapable of telling the truth. I am so tired at this point of dealing with him that last night I finally told him to just leave me alone. I don't want discuss anything right now except necessary business stuff. I am looking into finding some work of my own. I need to distance myself from this problem for a bit. It has felt good to not have contact with him today. It feels strange and a bit scary though. I guess I am worried that even though I love him dearly, I am truly beginning to not like him anymore. I am finally starting to realize how pervasive the dishonesty is in our relationship. I am beginning to doubt his ability to ever really be completely honest. I feel myself distancing from him emotionally and being relieved when I don't hear from him. I guess I'm not familiar with this feeling. It scares me. I don't want to not care anymore.Is this just overload? Is it just detachment finally getting sort of automatic? or is it losing the love? I have seen that happen before. It is so sad. I don't want that for my family.
Thanks for listening. I just needed to get it out.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Hello Jen , if your dealing with a still practicing alcoholic expecting honesty is futile , unfortunatley I believe they actually believe the lies they tell . Disease !!
So true. Which is part of what makes me almost have to assume that he is still practicing. He is supposed to be clean again, but only a couple of weeks so we'll give it some more time to see, I guess. The problem is that he hides it so well. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust myself to know for sure if he's clean.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Is this just overload? Is it just detachment finally getting sort of automatic? or is it losing the love?
I have no answers myself as I ask these same exact questions, daily!! Maybe I am overstepping here but in my opinion, whether the A is sober or not, the lies have become so much a part of them that it comes naturally.
I felt like my A was "trapped" in his own little world. It amazed me how he could persist in spite of mountains of evidence to the contrary. But he did. He was truly blind and deaf to any help or good sense or love. Once in a while he'd thank me for standing by him for so long, but these little tidbits of "sanity" (maybe they were manipulations) stopped touching me eventually. I remember that tiredness and feeling the concern slipping away.
I don't know if even at this point my A's disease has "killed the love". It's killed the trust and attraction and desire to be with him. But I still care tremendously, I just don't have the luxury of acting upon it any more (for my own sake).
I'm so sorry this is happening, it hits close to home and I'm grieving along side you.
It's a question that keeps getting asked here "How do you trust a liar?" My opinion is, you don't.
The deeper question is "Can love exist without trust?" A lot of people will say that it can't. My own experience, and my own observation, says that of course it can. A good half of us here, probably a lot more, don't trust the alcoholic in our lives, but still love him/her deeply. It's not the love you dreamed of when you were a girl, it's not the love in the books and movies, but it's the love you've got.
So, I think the wrong question is being asked. A relationship with an alcoholic is going to be deeply flawed. There are going to be things missing, things that the rest of the world tells you are essential to happiness. So, the questions to ask are "Is this relationship good for me?" "Am I getting enough of what I really want and need to accept the reality that I will never get all of it?" "Is what I am getting worth the price I am paying for it?" "Could change on MY part make enough difference to change the answers to these questions?"
I can really relate to your post. I am feeling like I'm detaching in a "wrong" way...like starting to focus on all the bad stuff about my Asober H so I can't hurt while detaching (if that makes any sense! LOL). It makes me feel like I'm becoming heartless and unfeeling. I guess I don't know how to detach without losing myself along with it...that's why I need Alanon desperately!
And Lin, I really liked your comment to Jen. I am finding that I'm asking myself those questions a lot lately. My good friend even posed them to me just last week, as she is married to a recovering A/Addict and has to ask herself the same questions.
