The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I re-connected with an old friend last month a couple of weeks before the tradgedy. His brother is one of my best friends so I have kept up with him thru the grapevine. I have heard about his run in's with the law, his experimentations with drugs and his stint in rehab and on probation. He called me one day to offer his services as he is doing construction. We talked and I thought that was fun to talk to him again and really catch up. Well, we (me) decided to go to NY to visit my best friends (one of whom is his brother). Long story short, he stayed with me thru all of this awful stuff that has been going on. I am so grateful to have him here by my side and taking care of the kids and the dogs and just being here. I can't imagine sticking around for all of this. I mean I can, I would, but it is just nothing I expect of anyone else. He's an active alcoholic. I don't say that because I am an expert on who is and isn't an alcoholic. I say it because I will not live in denile no matter how badly I want to. Anyway, he doesn't drink around me at all. Just when he is home, on his own. And I hear it is in his voice. I haven't mentioned it to him and I won't because he knows how I feel about drinking and drugs and what I have been thru. He has actually been comming to my meetings with me. I assume it's because he wants to be with me, not that he thinks about alanon at all, but if something rubs off....
My kids like him alot and my littlest one is actually trusting him to an extent. She told him the other day that she loved him. Things are pretty regular....day 4 he wants to move closer to me, day 10 he is in love with me, day 21 I am re-meeting his parents, etc. LOL regular, normal, who am I kidding? "normal" for me would be being pregnant already!
It is comfortable, it is what I know. But it will never be anything more because of the drinking. I will never ask him to stop and I will never have an active A in my house with kids. I will never have alcohol in my house. I don't drink and I know my kids are high risk and alcohol has never been a part of anything good in my life. Alcohol has been a part of death and rape and abuse. There is so very much I can overlook or accept and I wouldn't mind taking things futher but I can't and that may be a good thing. It's not a boundry or a rule it is just the way it is. It always has been that way. My friends and family have never brought alcohol to my house for parties and never given it to me as a gift. That is just my lifestyle. It saddens me that this guy will probably never get to be as close as he could be because of alcohol. It will always be between us. Stinks.
One day at a time, today was good. He made me laugh, he played with the kids like they were his own, he hung out at my mom's with me. I wonder yet again what won't I do to avoid looking at my life. I am snatching some peace and happiness right now as it is being offered. I have always felt like if I don't do it now the oppurtunity will pass and might never come again. I have always felt that way and acted on that. Fear I suppose, lack of faith, or belief that Here it is, right now, my chioce, do I want to have to regret? Is that A thinking or just aism? Anyway, because of this program I am worried about hurting this man who has been very kind and loving to me and my kids when everything has been lost. He has stepped up and been like a father to my kids and like my partner. He was the one who held my hand at the funeral service, he is the one that held me all night when I was waking up with nightmares. He is the one who was getting up at 6 with the kids and making them breakfast and listening to them talk about the death of their friend when I really couldn't "hear" them. I love him for all that. But I know the truth is he is an A and I can't do that. Honesty is so hard because I know it will hurt him....
It is hard to hurt someone when they have been so kind but it is HE that has expectations it seems. Personally, I would tell him how much I appreciate him and all he has done but then make it real clear I can't have a alcoholic relationship. As sweet as he is, it always gets worse before it gets better...if it does get better at all. The way it sounds he would be hurt but then after what you have been through he sounds like he would understand. It seems as if he's moving real fast with his emotions, that's a bit scary. He's slid right in as the father figure and the mate. It almost appears manipulative to me. He knows you are vulnerable right now. Anywho....Honesty is always the best policy.
take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Sorry hon, but I'm gonna go with Christy on this one. A's have a way of smelling when we are really in need and insinuating themselves into our lives, like shining knights that we can't get rid of later for all the guilt we feel about all they have done for us. My own mother fell for that one hook, line and sinker. The first A I had in my life was one who "rescued" us when my single mother was very ill in the hospital and afraid to call any family for fear of us kids being taken away from her. He moved into our house to help take care of the livestock and didn't leave until after 4 years of active Aism. She finally kicked him out. But my whole family shows the scars of codependency.
It is nice to have a friend to lean on, but I think a true friend asks nothing in return, period. Otherwise it is just more manipulation.
Just my humble opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I can relate to the grabbing onto someone who is in front of you. I grabbed onto the A 7 years ago and never let go till I was burnt to the ground and beyond. I always says the good in him. I never saw the bad.
You have hindsight. Why not make a plan b.
Of course eveyorne is getting attached That is natural. I think we can all lament till the cows come home alcholism. The issue is do they want to get sober. My A didn't. He probably never will.
That is the core issue for me. Do they want sobriety.
I do know for me at least I tend to shy away from anyone funcitonal. I feel vulnerable around them. I feel far more at home around the dysfunctional. I know where that got me.
No one here is going to demand you do anything. Many of us stayed in relationships long beyond their brink. At the same time no one is not going to urge you to seek support elsewhere. Isolation is such an issue for some of us.
No oen is not going to tell you to make a plan b either. My life is full of plan a,b,c, these days. I plan plan plan plan plan.
You can make a plan b. There is no grief really. He is an A you know it, he knows it. That is the reality. He has it in his power to change that he chooses not to.
You can also choose otherwise. Choose life each day, work those tools, make plans. Move on. Move out from his sweet seductive orbit slowly but surely but move out of it because you surely know where it will go in time.
"I have always felt like if I don't do it now the oppurtunity will pass and might never come again. I have always felt that way and acted on that. Fear I suppose, lack of faith, or belief that Here it is, right now, my chioce, do I want to have to regret?" - ME TOO!!
I hope you don't get sucked in, you can't worry about his feelings think about how you would feel if you let this happen and he acted like a typical A after the dew wore off. I hate hurting people's feelings but you know I never seem to have any problem with letting mine get hurt. I'm tired of sacrificing myself for someone else. I realized today I never really knew who I was because I was always THEM. Whichever A I happened to be with, my life was all about them and their problems. I finally feel like I am starting to know myself. I invite you to spend some time alone and with the kids and really get to know yourself, what you like, what you hate, I am surprised by things I used to love but now don't particularly care for. Funny how we can become so absorbed that we don't even know who we are because we become them.
