The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Iv'e been going to f2f meetings 2 to 3 times a week. I think this week I'm going to need to up them. My short story version: We have been married 17years, and together 24years. My AH has obstained from alcohol use for 8 month now after 3 detox attempts in 2.5 years. He still is smoking pot. He still attends a extended treatment support group 1 time a week and a occasional AA meeting, I think. :) Life is better without the alcohol, the mental abuse and the screaming has dramtically stopped. We have a 22yr old daughter and a 17yr old son. Our daughter has graduated from college and living her life. Our son has had some issues, ok a lot of issues. Drinking, smoking, (dad also smoked with him), school stuff..For the last 6 weeks our son has been away in a youth challenge program. He is doing really well. Since our son has been gone, my AH has been trying to reconnect with me. I just can not do it. My heart wants to, my brain won't let me. My ah has said things like, it's because now he is sober I don't want him. God thats so far from the truth. If he were indeed sober and thought and acted normal I'd want him in a heart beat. If I could trust him with my feelings and know he wouldn't use them against me I would open up. Here's my latest example...I wrote him a letter, it was all I statements. I talked about my issues, my identity issues, how I've always looked for someone to attach to because I wasn't comfortable being me. How my childhood effected me, how becoming my mother or my sister terrified me. I stated that I was proud of him for quitting the alcohol, but the pot is just as much of an issue as the alcohol was. His rebuttal letter consisted of how aweful of a wife I've been. That other then when I took him to rehab I haven't been supportive ever. That he has realized that he was miserable and thats why he drinked. That I can not have his last name. Oh god that was a knife through my heart so deep I still can even type with without bawling my eyes out. How lazy and how aweful of a house keeper I am. On and On.... I cried for hours, I felt like I was right back where I started from. I knew I shouldn't have trusted him with my deepest feelings. I knew it would come back. I now know that I'm suppose to look at each of the remarks and determine weather it belongs to me or weather it belongs to him. The bad wife thing, yep, I haven't been "the good wife" lately. I don't have emotions, I'm drained. I look forward to the time he isn't around. I have to force myself to clean house, to cook, to do the laundry, and it's been at a bare mininum. Since our son has left I know I have gotten worse. I know it's probably depression, and a whole lot of other emotions. The whole thing about changing my last name so it's not his, WOW...thats the whole identity thing for me again, and thats why he said it. My brain says that a last name doesn't create a person, my heart feels differently. I'm going to move out in October and my H knows. I've been making plans and looking for an apartment. I've told our daughter and she said she was proud of me, and it's about time I did something. I've shared with close friends. Everyone says it must be a relief, or exciting, or how proud they are of me. My H even says so your finally getting what you want since you can not have an AH. The truth is I'm so sad! My marriage and the future I knew is over. I'm scared, I'm more lonely then I have ever been in my life. I know I have to do this to heal me, but I'm so dang afraid......
My heart was breaking reading that post. You know how to work your program; keep getting to those F2Fs. Like your daughter may already realize, you are worth joy and happiness, though it may take a struggle to get there.
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
My prayers are with you! Trust your inner strength and your hp and keep leaning on us here however often you need to. That feeling when you KNOW that life will never be the same is a terrifying one at first. I am so sorry for your pain. You will be in my thoughts with wishes of peace for you.
It is so terribly heartbreaking to lose your dreams. I feel so lost sometimes. But we will have new dreams. This program will help us get real and start looking forward. The old dreams are dead and gone. Mourn them like a lost friend, and then get up and keep going. Live for yourself today. This is what I am trying to do. It seems to be working.
You are not alone. Keep coming back.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Dear the last time I looked it was still August, not October. Fear is from not having faith, taking on more than we need to.
What can you do today? I am not sure if I shared my way. I have notebooks that I put the day on top. Then write down what I need to do/want to do, and then I put what I will do for me that would feel good. Watch a certain movie, write out cards to people, read my books.
The unknown always makes us anxious. But doing it daily, makes it so much easier. I would start packing some things and labeling. What makes peole wait until the week or whatever before they move? I like to go thru things and toss and give stuff away. Maybe taking some small step will help. Keep a page or two for what you want in an apt. one in an old house, yard? big small? studio, two bedroom? what area?
twin bed or full? What do YOU want?
A lot of us are where you are or have been where you are. We know it is a hard time. We are here to listen and help as much as we can. We also know about the dreams the disease destroys. We sure don't marry someone we love thinking it will all be torn away from us, it is almost unbelieveable when it is.
Once we move out or they leave, our new life becomes familiar. We develop new hopes and dreams in time. Or maybe we just think about one day at a time. The A in your life is using. sounds like the disease is doing it's best to put the blame on you for it all. Yep you put a funnel in his mouth and poured it in.
HOney you can do NOTHING to make them use or stop. the disease is talking thru him. He did not mean all that stuff he said,but it hurts so bad. When I found out what my AH had said for so many years it hurt so horribly. He never said it to me, never. A friend of his was telling me, he did not realize I had never hear it. I started crying and he felt awful. Honestly, it destroyed something in me for my AH.
With alanon we can get back to being content and even happy again.
We can build on us and set our selves up so they cannot hurt us anymore by taking our stuff or making us poor financially. We can build our own foundations. then someday, if we choose, we may get to fall in love again.
Let go of the rock. Drop it. take a breath and let that stupid idiotic disease go. It has NO control over you unless you allow it. I would burn the frigging letter. And if he ever said any of it to me or any bs, I would simply say," Well you might be right." Then let it go. NO argument with the disease.
It is NOT worth your time. it is that saying we go to the hardware store to get bread. You did not get what you wanted from him. We all have done it and do it.
Keep coming back. One day one step at a time. love,debilyn
I know what it feels like to give my heart over and have it ignored or ridiculed.
I didn't hear you mention any family or friends ask why in the world you'd want to leave your AH. They all seemed quite supportive of you leaving.
Weed or pot is not alcohol, but it's still mind altering and lets him escape his guilt. For an addict it doesn't matter what they're using.
I'm with you on the broken dreams. I'm up here on a mountain by myself on a farm for gosh sakes, a farm WE set up to enjoy the simple life together. Well, that's what I thought anyway! Turns out it was MY dream, the A's was to take off in a spaceship or something.
I stopped giving my A opportunities to hurt me. What that meant in my case was to completely shut him out and eventually kick him out. It was the only thing that stopped the endless harassment and hurt. Lord knows I gave it a good try, but it takes two to try, and as long as he's high he ain't trying. You will exhaust yourself and waste your life trying all by yourself.
It's like you have a large group of people all behind you, loving you and supporting you, yet you continue to seek out love and approval from THE ONE person who won't or can't give it to you. I sure know that one too.
I'm done thank God. I've let go of the dream . . . I believe in my heart there are other dreams for me out there. I'm beginning to see them :) I wish and pray the same for you.
your H has stinkin thinkin by blaming everything one you. don't uuy it for one minute. and you will be lonely but that's ok but never alone. You have your HP.
