The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am newly married (2 years) and my husband has been sober for over 20 years. My problem is that he does not know how to show affection. He has a brick wall up and I don't know how to break it down. He is very rigid, everything is either black or white, and has even told me that he has no problems talking with other, or at his meetings but he has difficulty communicating with me. What am I missing?
I don't have the experience per se with your topic but I wanted to welcome you and recommend a few books. You can get them really cheap on amazon.com
The Intimacy Struggle by Janet G. Woititz and The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage an Alanon book.
You don't mention if you are attending Alanon meetings. I highly recommend them for a couple of reasons, there's experience strength and hope regarding your type of situation, it will help you tremendously, and finally you will have your own support system and be keeping busy while your husband has his own program.
Keep coming, yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thank you Maria. I will look for those books. I have never attended an Alanon meeting. I sort of felt funny as he was never drinking while we have known eachother. Would it still be appropriate?
It is not only appropriate, but highly advisable that you attend Alanon meetings.
Just because an A is not drinking does not mean their behavior will not affect you. As you have already found there are still issues. Many will be related to the fact that this is a disease that never goes away, no matter how long they have in sobriety. It still affects every facet of their lives, and yours if you are with them.
We are glad to have you here. Keep coming back. Ask ?'s. Read posts, old and new. That is what we are all here for, E(experience), S (strength), & H (hope).
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Many alcholics have trouble with intimacy, it is in a way one of the symptoms of the disease. Another thing they are all REALLY good at is blaming you for their inadequacies.
So, you knew he was like this, married him anyway. This to me means that you are getting some things you want from him. This program is here to help you find other healthy ways to get the needs that he is not meeting met, while still managing to love and appreciate the good parts of him. Or, if that is not possible or desirable, to get the strength and self knowledge to realize that you can't do without the things he can't give you, and that you are better off without him.
It is not your job in life to make him happy, but it is not his job to make YOU happy either - there can be an enormous freedom in realizing this.
Lots of people in alanon don't have an active alcholic in their lives. I can think of a couple of people in my face to face who are in your situation, they still need the program. Keep the focus on you, and it will be fine.
Yes, I married him anyway, but he was different before our marriage. He was much more affectionate and loving. Immediately following our marriage, I had very intense problems with my ex, which included lawyers and nasty court battles. My husband was concretely supportive, however not very emotionally. Now he says that he is worn out/tired and has pulled back affection and love. He is blatently honest with me, almost too honest. He has put himself in "survival mode" and seems to make everything else priority to me, expecially his recovery friends (very close friends of 20 years). How do I get him to trust me as much as he trusts them? How can I support him and show him that it is OK to love me, and my children? (he has no children, never married before) I honestly did not know of all these issues when I married him. I guess I was naive. Thank you all in advance for educating me and helping me. I really do love my husband.
Alanon is about helping you deal with an alcoholic whether drinking or sober, whether or not your relationship is truly good or on the rocks.
We're ALL naive until we experience it and learn :) don't be hard on yourself.
Since you are married to an alcoholic, the best thing you can do for yourself, and then for HIM, is to learn about the disease, and how it affects the alcoholic's loved ones. I'm saying "alcoholic" to include drinking ones and sober ones.
Perhaps instead of trying to get him to "see" that you support him, that it is OK to love you and the children, change your focus to BEING the support that is healthy for him, BEING the loving wife and mother that you are, building up your self confidence, not lean so hard on him to "make it happen". This is YOUR need, and in Alanon we learn from each other how to recognize and meet OUR needs. Not only does it improve our own life, it improves the lives of our loved ones to have a healthy, independent and loving spouse.
I say this treading the thin line on avoiding giving advice, I truly mean what I say as kindly as it could possibly be. I'm glad you're here and I hope you'll continue to visit and ask questions, aren't any stupid ones, ever. Take care :) Kim
