The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I found AlAnon & this board in April & try to read your stories & comments daily. I also go to f2f meetings twice a week & all have helped so much in bringing some peace & solice into my life. I believe many of our stories are different but the pain in our hearts & souls is the same. My significant other (14 yrs) is my qualifier. I use to love him dearly but now I wonder about that. I know "I" was sick when I had no friends left & had isolated myself so much that if I was so depressed & didn't get out of bed for days or didn't even get drssed or shower & no one other than him knew & he never even asked if I was sick, or what was wrong.
Because of Alanon I'm soooo much better. I'm learning how to make myself happy. I'm learning how to detach & not let his moods affect me. He didn't care anyway. He is in complete denial even tho he drinks every day & keeps a bottle in his car so he can make a drink before he starts for home. I've never fought with him & when he yells or gets really mad about something I've done, I just listen & hope he hears himself & how unreasonable he sounds. Sometimes it works but most times it doesn't. His behavior has humiliated me in public too many times to count. He has NEVER apologized for anything he has said or done & I don't expect him to ever admit to anything. Most of his family either expect me to control him or blame me for his behavior. That use to bother me a lot but b/c of AlAnon I've learned that I can't control or take the blame for what they think either.
He's the one who threatens to leave. He claims we're common-law-married & because he makes big money & I make none he can hire the best lawers & will take everything I think I own, including the house which I bought before meeting him. After him, he gave me enough money to pay the bills inc. the mortgage so he might be right. I feel so trapped. I'm almost 64 & haven't worked in 12 years! I have no family close by--all are THOUSANDS of miles away so I'm thankful AlAnon is helping me live a happier & better life as I see no way out of my situation. I use to feel I had no options but now I know I do have the option of trying to be happy in spite of his behaviors. Thank you for listening to my venting.
One thing I found was that alanon helped me to see that I always had choices. You have the choice of being happy. You have the choice of making friends, getting your needs met in some other way, rather than resenting that he can't meet them. Sometimes. when the resentment gets a chance to fade, you can remember why you are with him in the first place, and even get some joy out of him! Once we stop looking for bread at that hardware store, we can get ourselves a perfectly nice hammer.
One thing - just because he says something, doesn't mean it is so. He doesn't get to decide what his legal obligations are to you, the law does. If you do at some point decide you would be better off without him, don't take his word about what he owes you - see a lawyer.
Hi Hopefully, this board here is a lifeline for many of us. There is no alanon where I live and being in a very small town it doesn't take long for the bush telegraph to communicate the gossip. I have one very close friend who is in the same position as myself and we can talk honestly to each other without fear of being judged by others that live here. In the past I would feel responsible for the embarrassment my A caused. These days the humiliation can still be there but I realize he is making a fool of himself not me. To me that is growth through this board. The car episodes are very familiar and my A parks on the verge and thinks that I am not aware he is sneaking down to the vehicle to have a drink. The old me would have been screaming and checking for bottles and putting water in them lol. Now I think it is his body, his health and his responsibility to look after himself not mine. The rantings of the alcohol will try to make you lose your self esteem. It doesn't matter if you haven't worked for 12 years I am sure you have succeeded in many other areas of your life. Remember you are a good person, beauty comes from within and hold your head up high. Luv Leo xx
