The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I met my AHsober when I was 17, and we've just passed our 18 yr anniversary. When we first got married, I supported us while he was in grad school and then he became the breadwinner of the family while I stayed home with the kids. I continued the role of money-manager, mainly because we just never changed what was working. In our business, we have a bookeeper, so again my H has had no $ paying role. Over time, the bookeeper and I have realized we have goofed in not having my H have a significant part in handling the money - he just made it and spent it and whenever there was a financial crisis we would fix it so he wouldn't get mad. One of the familiar complaints became his disagreement with how I/we pay the bills. Quite self-righteous at times that he could do better. Now, granted, at home I am not organized, but I understand my chaos, and everything always gets paid on time. No problem.
Given that background, my H has been in his apt for almost 4 mos now, and let me just say that he it getting his chance! I can tell by the comments he makes that it is a challenge for him. My hope in this venture for him is that he comes to somewhat understand the effort it takes to run a household - laundry, bill-paying, housework, etc, though he gets to do it without the responsibilities of 3 kids running around. To be perfectly honest, I want him to possibly see me in a more appreciative light because in the throws of his disease, tearing apart my household abilities was a painful weapon he used.
Our relationship is starting the shift somewhat in that he is beginning to open up to me again and tell me little parts of his life. This morning my H tells me that he had a phone in his apt for about 8 wks, but had it shut off because he never used it. First he said he never got a bill and then said something about recently finding it, and then when he called to pay it over the phone he found he had been sent to the collection agency for $96. Oh, and it was only supposed to be $20 per month, so why so much? He was so irritated claiming he didn't know he had the bill, it was too much, couldn't talk to a live person, blah, blah, blah, and I just listened. Of course I know what really happened, he got caught up in life and just let it slip, but he'd never admit that.
I guess I am sharing because, albeit minimal, I am feeling like maybe, just maybe, he is starting to feel the consequences of his actions/inactions. I feel weird in that I get some pleasure out of seeing his frustration, but it is more like relief in that his anger it isn't aimed at me. Finally, he is having to look at himself and see the inconveniences and misery he experiences have nothing to do with me. Then again, it may be just wishful thinking on my part, so I won't set myself up, but instead just appreciate the moment.
Thanks for listening. I feel happy today.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou: When the A who I have been involved with feels the consequences of his actions that seems to feed into his addiciton. He doesn't seem to open up to the premise he is doing anything wrong. The wrog is all out there not in him.
In the last few months both the A and I have felt the consesuqenes of our actions. I have moved twice, struggled tremendously to keep a roof over my head and continued to over give to the A. I am working on the over giving issue.
I am glad you can come here and share your frustration and know you will be heard.
When my A was at his sickest, what I would hear is "What's all your whining about, this is easy" whenever I would go away for a few days and he had to take over my duties. Of course, it was easy because he wasn't actually DOING it - they'd live on takeout, and the laundry, cleaning, etc would just be piling up. Looking after two essentially good kids for a few days is not hard, especially when you are not making them do homework, go to bed on time, or anything else they don't want to do...
Oh well. YOU know that what you have been doing al lthis time is valuable, and difficult, Whether he ever actually accepts that or not is not your part.
That is a very nice post. The best part about it for me is that there doesn't need to be anger, controlling or cruelty, and it has led to the possibility of change in your Ah. It is terrific to be happy.
Brightest Blessings to you cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I can relate to that "good feeling." For me, it was validation because I never got it. <Maria gently smiles to herself> "Sometimes God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves," is the quote that comes to mind.
Thanks for posting, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I can relate to your post. I was the ONE (lol, aren't all of us?...) who made the budget, made sure the bills got paid, not knowing all the while he was living a double life, and spending CASH that he would make here and there (he had a regular job with his family, and got paid a measly check from them at that time). Funny thing was, we sat down together to go over the budget, for him to have any input, and I thought we were on the same page. Shoot, we even did the "Dave Ramsey" way of handling money (some of you may know about that).
Fast-forward a bit...
When he got out of jail 2 1/2 yrs ago, I simply couldn't even look at the bills, budget, etc., because whenever I did, I thought of all the lies that he told while I was doing MY best to manage it. He would often ask me if I wanted to sit down and do the bills with him, and whenever I did, I would just become bitter and start to tear up. All the resentments would just come to the surface. I finally decided to let him handle it all, that I would just let him handle the responsibility like I did for the 5 years leading up to that point.
He still, to this day, is handling it, and I still cannot bring myself to sit down with him and discuss it. Like you, I guess I want him to see what things cost, and what it's like to be the one who has to remember to pay the bills on time, be responsible for managing a household, etc.
My A was practically terrified the other day when I gave him $35 and told him that was his grocery money for the week. He has watched me for 12 years doing the groc budget, list and shopping, but scared to death to do it himself. Go figure.
Have a good day all.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
