The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I came home last night from work and my AH was so drunk he could barely stand up or talk. We had a few weeks ago reached a compromise where he said he would only drink on the week ends. His drinking has gotten really out of control for the past two years and he is always promising to quit. The longest this has ever lasted has been 3 months. At any rate I got very angry and asked him what had happened to his promise not to drink during the week. I made the comment that I would just as soon be dead than continue to live with an alchoholic. What does he do? Calls 911 and tells them I am threatening suicide! About 5 cops cars scream up to our upscale, quiet subdivision and he proceeds to tell them he wants me committed because I am "crazy". That did it. He called me at work this afternoon like nothing had happened and wanted to talk about dental insurance! Long story short, I told him I was no longer playing second fiddle to a bottle of vodka and to either quit drinking or I am filing for divorce IMMEDIATELY. He promised for the millionth time that he would quit, but I know it won't last more than a few days. Thanks for letting me vent! Chetch
Sounds like the same ole same ole, just like you said . . .
You know nothing changes if nothing changes. Get your papers together and ready, I believe you when you say it won't last.
Alcoholics can't make promises they can keep. Sometimes it saves their life when their spouse finally gets so sick and tired of it they leave. Really leave, not threaten, not give "one more chance". Gone.
There's no guarantee of course, but at least YOU will be 'saved'. That's all you can do for SURE is save you.
That's how you know he's an alcoholic - he makes promises like that, and can't keep them. Nothing changes if nothing changes - if you can't live like this anymore, don't.
One question - what was life like when he only drank on the weekends? Was that what you needed?
They ALWAYS promise to quit drinking after a binge. It's part of their cycle. He will promise you the ends of the earth and probably go to some meetings just to get in your good graces again........but then watch out because that cycle gets repeated. PS. Idle threats are no good. Follow through with whatever you say. Sorry but if it were me, his butt would have been out for calling the cops for something stupid. What a waste of tax payers money. Sheesh. Good luck.
Hi there, Yeah they always want to go along with so type of compromise and I truly believe that they want too. But they can't. Wheter it be no drinking until the weekend or cutting back , they just can't do it. With alcohol it's all or nothing. They either put it down or don't. They lie to everyone but most of all they lie to themselves. And as most as those broken promises hurt you, they hurt the alcoholic worse. I have learned alot from my A who now is a year sober and working his program. They are really hurting and disgusted with themselves on the inside no matter what they are saying on the outside. I also learned alot from going to open AA meetings with my husband. Somethings that I thought was a line of turned out to be something that alot of people in those rooms went through. You don't have to go there with someone, you can go onyour on so long as it is a open meeting. It may help you understand a little more about his disease. But of course you don't want to take the focus off of you. You need to take care of you first and formost. Someone said not to make idle threats---that is so true. If you are not really going to do it then don't say it. I learned that the hard way. Whatever you do keep comming back here. I have found that these are the most wonderful people here who are willing to help in any way! I can't believe he called the cops. That was crazy!!!! Take care and may God bless you. Mstrixe
My alcoholic would have love to been able to keep her promises to stop drinking and sadly we both knew that the disease was much more powerful than any intention to stop. She wasn't a weak person she was fully addicted in every sense of the word. I use to watch her go from a binge to the hospital or whatever therapy that was needed after a period of time of not drinking cause she just couldn't any more (not sobriety) to withdrawals and the pain that causes the mind, body and emotions. I use to watch helplessly and then hopelessly and then in a rage because I couldn't control it or save her either. The disease was taking both of us down at the same time and the kids and the other close family members. Still I know she would have like to be out of it and out of the pain. I use to watch her cry in a way that her sadness was really desperation. I use to cry that way. The kids use to cry that way. Her Mom use to cry that way and so did some of our friends.
The intent of this disease is to get the alcoholic alone, bring the alcoholic down and then kill the alcoholic and anyone else that comes within range.
This is not a fight I wish to enter into again ever. When my cries became as desperate as hers...it was time to save my own life at whatever cost. Gratefully the cost gave me more than I could have ever imagined...The Al-Anon Family Groups saved my life and my soul. All I had to do was come and keep coming; find a Higher Power, take the suggestions, practice what was freely given to me and repeat the thing again. The alcoholic eventually found sobriety. She was fine...very fine when she found recovery and did the very same thing I was being taught in Al-Anon.
We have had more than our share of relapses that have led to death in the last couple of years in our district. We have had a surge of new membership in Al-Anon and Alateen. Most of the newcomers are shocked to hear that a person with long term or some time in recovery "going back out" and some dying. The "oldtimers" know. They have it down pat; "You don't put down your guard and take a break from recovery, especially meetings. This tiger is only napping it will awake and when it does it will be hungry. When it awakes it will stretch and start to claw at your gut causing a pain that it seemed only alcohol or drugs could numb. Those who have been around for a long while understand that recovery does better than the disease and we have to "be" in recovery or we can "be" gone also.
This applies to the spouses, friends and relatives of the alcoholic also. So often because we are soooo sensitive to the "tiger" we know first that relapse has happened and we start to be taken down first. "Check my attitude now!" "Check my feelings now!" "Check my behavior now!" "Check my physical condition now!" "Check my thinking process now!" Everything I thought I had learned in Al-Anon got hidden from me when she relapsed and I relapsed and then I ran head long back to the groups...away from the tiger and the alcoholic and while I cared so much that the tiger not take her down I knew that she had to make her hardest effort to save her own life what ever the cost. She had to want to live even in spite of me and anyone else or she would die. Last time I knew she was sober, still alive, and not feeding the tiger but her own recovery spirit.
When it comes to this disease will power is nothing. Promises are first made to ourselves and then without a shred of hope to those we feel guilty and shameful to. We are not bad. We are so very sick. If we don't get help we will die. Dying of/in this disease is an insanity I could never have imagined all by myself but that is exactly what was happening to she and I.
Thank God for this program and all of the graces it freely gives to those who want to change and live.
This was a long one...(not unusual for me) and because you hit my "hot button". I have worn your husbands shoes and I feel a deep compassion for you and he and the family. The insanity is usual try not to take it personal. That is one way/door that this disease takes you down, robs you of sanity, invites you to react and then turns your reaction against you. Don't take it personal. Do take it serious.
Keep coming back. Get to as many face to face meetings that you can over the next 3 months and listen with an open mind.
(((((Hugs)))))
Thanks for the lesson in humility and powerlessness.
By the way, him calling 911 after you made your statement is not unusual. I have seen the very same thing happen quite alot. It's humorous and usually after the fact of recovery; never before.
turned out to be something that alot of people in those rooms went through. You don't have to go there with someone, you can go onyour on so long as it is a open meeting. It may help you understand a little more about his disease.