I am a fortunate woman.

Once upon a time...a girl was born who was the apple of her daddy's eye. She laughed a lot, she played a lot, her imagination always soared...and she absolutely loved life. Anything was possible then..

Time passed, as time does, and with it the girl discovered that not everyone would love her as she did them, that tears could fall as easily as smiles are born, that her heart could break more often than it could mend. Yet still she dreamed on...

One day she met a boy and for a moment her heart went still with a knowing. Time passed, and love grew. She'd journal with her best friend in a little black book where they both spoke of the future "Mrs" they envisioned for themselves. And time passed...and one day the boy was ripped away...and her mind (knowing what was better for her perhaps than she did) tucked all those feelings so deeply away that she couldn't feel or remember them anymore.

Her best friend met someone new and moved away, and in a strange twist of fate, the girl ended up marrying the boy who had loved her best friend. They had called themselves the 3 Musketeers, always there for one another, so it seemed a natural development after the "loss" of their 1 musketeer. And time passed...and people grew and changed...a son was born...and her heart was lonely...and distance grew as he spent time with others and smoking pot (unknown to her)...and she searched for things to fill her, yet always was left empty.

Time passed...breakups happened...a new man appeared...another son was born, but his father wasn't there. She poured her love into her sons and moved on, went to live with her grandparents in a little slice of God's country called Colorado Springs. She had conversations with her grandma about love and relationships - grandma tried to tell her how a real love is 2 whole hearts merging as one, not 2 halves making up one. That a good education is priceless as it opens your eyes and mind to so much more. That positive attracts positive. Grandma would read the girl's poetry and say "I wish you'd write happy joyful things too." The girl thought to herself, I write what I feel inside...

She met another man while in college - saw him walking along, the wind flapping his black trench coat around his legs, looking like the lone wolf - and the wolf in her responded... they married, moved to another state, had a son. He spent nights at the bar while she cared for her sons and watched her belly grow fat with her daughter. The day her angel was born...he went home and had another woman in their bed.

Again, the girl moved on... and time passed... and she cared for her children as best she could... and those days of her childhood seemed so far away and lost in the mists of time and heartache.

And yet another man appeared, and she was leery yet intrigued by his ability to up and go anywhere and enjoy life. And he talked a good line... and she found herself laughing again and dancing in bars and falling in love. And time passed, and it wasn't all roses, but she thought he's just afraid, he's been hurt too as I have been, and she closed her eyes to hurtful things and she believed again in her dreams and she hung in there...and they married...and she still clung to what could be despite the rebuffs and the hurtful things that became too hard to ignore. And she tried to show a happy face to the world, and there were times when that was true and easy to do, but more times when it wasn't so. And she built up expectations of her children, hoping if they were perfect then things might be better, not seeing the frustration and damage she herself was inflicting upon them. And then one day over lunch at work...

A woman told her of her past and of a group of people who helped her. The girl listened but thought to herself that she didn't need that. And life went on... and time passed... until one night during an argument he grabbed her arm to stop her from walking away and she screamed "Don't touch me!" and dialed 9-1-1. And an officer who responded said to her "You allow it" and she was stunned. And she thought of what that woman had said and shared with her those years past, and she thought maybe she should look that group up because she simply couldn't go on...

And thus began a new chapter in life. Things didn't change, but she did. She learned to hide her anger, her disappointment, her hurt - to show a happy face again. She only shared her pain with those in the group who truly understood and who shared with her what they had learned, how they coped, how they had found peace amidst the storm, and they gave her hope. And she began to use those life "tools" and found some peace, even found some love again as she found compassion for his struggle in his disease. And as she "grew" she saw how much she had hated the person she had been, and how tired she was... And yet she thought I can do this, there is always hope he too will change, and she buried herself in her own interests and kept busy and reached out to her new "family" whenever things got too hard on her own. And she started doing nice things just for herself... and time passed... and she found a serenity in life... and she thought things would be okay... and even when she had to call the police a 2nd time, she thought still "this too shall pass" and it did and life went on, and she kept learning new ways to deal with the stresses and heartache and tried to share these "tools" with her children. And she found a contentment in life... it wasn't what she'd dreamed of as a girl, but she reasoned everyone has ups and downs, it's just the nature of life, and she spent more time with her group "family" and shared her own story with new ones. And she thought this was how her life would always be...

And then one night she found a message from a boy she'd known. She replied back, not thinking anything of it other than curiousity at what had happened with him through the years... and they sent messages back and forth talking about who they had married, their kids, their life now. And he told her he'd be coming up her way and would like to meet, and still she thought nothing of it and her husband said sure, have fun, I'll bbq for us all.

And the day came that the boy arrived with his friend, and the girl walked outside to join her husband in greeting them... and her heart went still... but the girl just smiled and thought nothing of it and they all visited and made plans for the next day - a visit to Yosemite, another slice of God's country which the girl loved having in her "backyard".

The boy, his friend, and the girl went the next day and hiked up a mountain. They laughed and joked about whose crazy idea was it to do this on a hot day. They took pictures of the Sequoias and flowers and deer. Then they visited the valley floor, the girl pointing out favorite spots and things... but every now and then going silent and sad inside... and watching the boy when she thought he wasn't looking. Then on to Glacier Point where she pointed out her "horse" in the mountainside and he tried to capture it on film. As the day passed, she felt more and more unsettled. Thoughts and feelings ran through her head, and she found herself hiding behind her "walls" again. They drove back for the bbq - she went up and took a hot bath and some asprin to try and relax while they went to their hotel to freshen up and change. Her husband had been drinking again and carried the majority of conversation over dinner. Later that night as she lay in bed her husband said to her, "do you ever wonder what your life would have been if you'd been with him?" "No, of course not" she replied... The next day they met again to go see her rental house, and then the boy said we have to go (even though they had spoken of staying a few more days) and he handed her a package - "almost forgot to give you this," he said... then off they went.

She drove home, collected the mail, set the package aside (knowing it was stuff from all those years ago, but not knowing what it was.) Later, alone at night, she opened it, and her heart wept. And she remembered a girl who used to be joyful and always was in love with life... and in love with a boy. A few days later she was up through the night talking with her daughter about life and love. The package came out, her angel read a bit, looked at her and said, "Oh Mom, you had a True Love!" And her heart went still... and she gently said through her tears, "I still do honey, I still do." And they smiled.

So perhaps no one understands why she left her husband, or the pain she went through in making that choice. Most only saw the outside appearance of a couple who seemed content. Most only saw the heartbreak of a man who lost his wife and who struggles daily now with keeping his sobriety which he finally found during this. And perhaps no one will understand how proud she is of him for that step, and that she does truly wish the best for him and that he finds happiness too. And perhaps they won't understand what 2 hearts knew all along, although she thinks they will someday, because you can't hide a love like that.

Once upon a time, a girl was re-born, and she is the apple of her true love's eye. She laughs a lot, she plays a lot, her imagination soars... and she absolutely loves life.. and him. Anything is possible...

I am a fortunate woman.