The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been feeling lost and alone for a long time now. Maybe it has only been like this for 3 years, as long as I have been with her, but it feels like lifetimes when you are consumed every second of every moment with the A & the alcohol. The drinking wasn't always this bad & there was a time that she didn't drink for a couple of weeks but now she drinks every day (except for Sunday when the liquor stores are closed). She has blackouts and doesn't remember anything. It saddens me because moments that I thought we shared together is only remembered by me the next morning. What kind of life are we building together? Other times she's angry when she drinks and says stupid things that hurt me. Sometimes I talk to her about it but most times I would rather just not recall it so I don't stay hurt over it, or I don't want to tell her & make her feel more guilty about the drinking. I didn't realize how obsessed I had become with her and the drinking, always thinking and worrying about it. I would try to make sure she didn't have a bad day just so that she wouldn't feel compelled to drink. But you know, there is always a reason or excuse for their drinking. The empty promises hurt the most. I realized a few months ago that I have been waiting for her to stop drinking so that our life together could begin. I now see how foolish I have been in my thinking. Every time she promises to stop, I somehow still believe her even though I've heard it all before.
I worry about her health a lot and that her life will be significantly shortened by her habit. About a month ago things started to get really bad & she wanted to go to rehab. It was so hard to find somewhere that took her insurance & would let her stay about 3-5 days. She didn't want to stay any longer. I was so frustrated as I called enumerous places. The following day she was on the phone with different places for about 7 hours before she found a place that would take her in. I was so happy that she was going into rehab. Finally, sobriety. Something I had wished for her for years now. She came home on a Friday. I was so excited to come home from work and see her. I walked into the house and she was drunk. I didn't know how to feel or what to do. She still wanted to quit so I told her it was okay that she drank & not to feel so guilty, just start tomorrow. She went to meetings again & stayed sober for one week. Wow, that was a blow that I should have expected.
I just started going to Al Anon meetings on my lunch breaks. I've only been to two meetings. I hoped they could answer some of my questions that are left unasked &/or unanswered. I don't know what I was looking for but I think I wanted someone to tell me what I could do. For which the answer is, "There's nothing that you can do." One of the women at the meeting recommended "How Al-Anon Works For Families & Friends of Alcoholics." I am glad that I have this book now because I think it can really help me. There really are people out there who know exactly how I feel. The book puts into words my feelings that I had no words for yet. I'm hoping that the book & meetings will help because I don't know what else I can do. I know that the only thing that I can change is myself, and if all I can find here is some sort of peace, then that is more than I have right now.
Welcome to the "Family". You are NOT alone anymore. We totally understand what you are going through. I can read your story and nod my head and say "yup, I remember that, yup I did that, I felt that" etc. It can and does get better for us - it really does. Thats a good book you have, and there are more that will help too. It took me a while to start building my own library, but sure glad I did. I learned a lot just talking with others in the group though and listening to shares in the meetings. Look for a sponsor, work the steps, that'll help jumpstart your own recovery. And be gentle on yourself. Ask whatever questions come to mind, even if you think its totally unrelated. I don't know if any of us knew exactly what we were looking for when we first came to Alanon, except maybe something that would change things and make life bearable/better, and I promise you if you work the program, that will happen. Might not be what you expect, but it will be good for you. *smile* Keep coming back.
Love, Kis
-- Edited by kismetstrand at 15:55, 2007-08-23
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Hi alethea, I'm new here, and I'm so glad I found this site. I know what you are going thru, as I'm am going thru it too. It's comforting knowing that there are people who understand isn't it? Going thru the ups and the downs with you, and sending you words of encouragement. So thank you for your post, The more I read, the more it helps me know I'm not alone. CJ
Welcome, Alethea! I'm so glad you found some meetings to get to, and found us to to fill the the spaces in between.
There is much that you can do. It was very hard to hear the words "there's nothing you can do . . . about the A" , I mean, isn't that why we're sitting in an Alanon meeting? Because our A is drinking and ruining our lives?
We get to believe, by living with an alcoholic and their disease, that the world revolves around them. They think it does (their disease causes them to think so), and we find ourselves revolving around them too, making sure they have a "good day", anticipating their needs to prevent a meltdown or tantrum. They become our "center", and in the meantime, we've lost track of OURSELVES.
It sounds like a catastrophe, and it is, but for me I didn't realize it was MY catastrophe. I was revolving around the A, so everything looked like it always pointed back to HIM. I tried to control his moods, nag about his "marijuana maintinence", act in such a way that I hoped he would not critisize me (which meant not doing a lot of things I'd normally do for myself).
If we persist in keeping the A as the center of our universe, we are feeding their disease and helping to kill them dead. This was a great revelation for me! If I could stop responding in the old way to my A's jabs, his dramas, etc, I COULD do something for him.
You can bring a horse to water but can't make it drink . . . well, once I understood this, I felt no guilt or remorse when I refused to respond and play nasty mind games. I began to feel some peace, my internal waters were not so roughed up, my head was clearer, my heart more hopeful! At least I was responding in a manner that did not encourage his disease.
Now for ME the immediate benefits were obvious and such relief . . . you say you hope to have some peace, for you have none now . . . well, you'll have much more than a little peace if you keep to the simple tools you'll learn about in Alanon. You'll be doing everything you CAN do for your partner, for sure . . . but you'll be saving yourself from going down with her.
I love this board, and check in daily for a "fix" :D . I hope you find hope and direction in the stories, new and old, that you'll read here. Take care and keep coming back! Kim
Welcome to MIP Family group. I am so glad that you took that step to get to meetings and find us here on the board. It was a shock to me as well when I attended my first meeting and they said there was nothing I could do for my AH. My heart had been broken over and over again by those same bouts of drinking and promises like you described. Once I really decided that I wanted to get better and wanted help for me I focused on learning everything I could about A'ism and working the steps.
Keep up the good work you are not alone and the friendships you make in this program will bring you much joy and happiness.
Peace to you, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am hoping with MIP and Alanon you will find that you don't have to be alone any more. I love Alanon's Declaration "When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, let the hand of Alanon/Alateen always be there, and let it begin with me."
There are online meetings also twice a day in the Alanon Chat room.
Welcome, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
