Hi Jenna,
Glad you found us. If it's any consolation he isn't as carefree as you might imagine. There's a reason people turn to alcohol. You can bet he is pretty miserable. No matter how much they deny it, they all know they have a problem.

There's lots to learn in Alanon. It helps us learn to handle the stress of living with a alcoholic/addict. You'll learn to keep the focus on yourself and bekind to yourself. Maybe even let someof that anger go :)

Keep coming back
Christy

Hi Jenna
Welcome, and thanks for sharing. I was right where you are now about a year ago. I know we are not supposed to give advise so I'll share my experience. What worked for me (I was very bitter and angry too for a long time) was to step back, do nothing to help him and just watch and wait to see what happened. In one year he lost 3 jobs, went to jail 3 or 4 times, lost our truck, got kicked out of 3 places (guess they are not as tolerant as I) and is now sitting in prison. I was really angry when he went out and got a $20 an hr. job but you know what, it lasted about 2 weeks. The only thing you can do to save yourself is think about and do for you. If it isn't best for you don't do it. If you're not sure, don't do it. Another thing is making snap decisions, you don't have to, you can take as long as you want to decide things. I think you'll see as time goes on this too shall pass and you will get better. Holding on to anger and resentment only hurts you. Not that we are robots and don't feel, it's good to feel it and then let it go. It's the hanging on that hurts. I hope we see you here again, keep us posted. I had just left my A husband with my 3 kids just about a year ago and I was scared I couldn't make it and desperate to fill that void. Now I'm pretty content! You are worth way more than a cheap bottle of vodka by the way ;)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Of course he can't see past that bottle. That is what this disease does. They are very good at faking that carefree attitude, but it is an act. Inside they have thier own hell they are hiding from.

I'm so glad you found us. Welcome.

Welcome Jenna . . . they always choose the bottle or the needle or the pipe before us. The disease is hellbent on getting it's substance, and NO ONE matters, no THING matters before it. When their life hurts enough, that's when they get help.

And I just read that Chapter Maresie talks about in Getting Them Sober . . . the kicked out or "left" alcoholic who makes sure his wife knows he's livin' the high life without her, SURROUNDED by available and willing women who make him feel like a real man, who don't nag and bitch and whine :D .

While they are drinking, their successes, "getting it together" are short lived. Like a matter of days or a couple of weeks. For your education only, just sit back and watch :) .

I kicked my A out in June of this year, and though I had no real contact with him we live in a teensy little town, and through the grapevine I've heard of his sudden sobriety (after a year of meth use, physical and emotional abuse necessitating a protection order for me), working every day, going to meetings every day . . . yada. And I DID wonder why in what's holy he didn't do that before!!

Then . . . nothing. Then, drunken, using meth again, now in jail for outstanding warrants and meth charges he got a few months ago. Oops.

The disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. My A is taken over by it. Probably brain damaged. My anger has dissolved into a kind of pity.

But these Alanon folks here have taught me how to live. I thank God everyday for them, and thank God everyday that I'm taken care of, and can move along into a better life for myself.

Glad you're here . . . you won't lose it. Well, maybe you already did, but it wasn't anything worth keeping, at least as it is now :) Thanks for coming and posting! That is how i found this board too :) Keep comin' back! Kim

Great, an overzealous religious Nazi?? That would put out my fire too, I'd definitely be seeking another meeting, it would be too hard to screen that stuff out unless it were a BIG meeting with lots of others having their input too.

Please don't become yet another "casualty" of this disease! It's not even YOURS, in that he's the alcoholic.

If you read previous posts you'll find many of us have "split" with the A and with baited breath expected he/she'd at LEAST apologize or acknowlege their actions as wrong. Our expectations were dashed.

They KNOW they are destroying themselves, their relationships, and they feel tremendous guilt about it. They are afraid if they allow themselves to feel the remorse they will explode and die. So they run from these feelings, drink them away. Just because they don't do the "normal" thing and apologize doesn't mean they don't know. You can assume safely that he does know. The glaring obvious lack of an apology is his fear of his own guilt.

And then on the other hand, they apologize right and left to quit drinking, cut down, quit hitting us or bashing us emotionally . . . and in a couple of days, it's as if they said nothing at all. And then when we confront them they act (very convincingly :D ) that they don't know what we are talking about, and would we just get off their back for a second??

I desperately wanted to believe my A when he apologized or made promises. But an active alcoholic/addict cannot make promises they can keep. The alcohol comes first, always. Their need to escape their pain and misery with booze or drugs is the top priority. They are a horse of a different color, not a "normal" person, and so to expect them to act like one is an exercise in futility.

This is alcoholism, this is a diseased, miserable, terrified person . . . trying to pretend to be "normal", and failing. Try to see him as he really is, for your sake.

The fact that you feel withdrawn and blocked up is a sign that his disease has affected you adversely, and it does this to us all. I really relate to the isolation. It took me a while to wonder why I was punishing MYSELF for my A's actions, refusing the human contact I so desperately needed. Refusing to ask for help when I needed it, even just support and a shoulder to cry on.

You know the small town thing, then . . . recently, I was informed by neighbors (who I avoided all this time) believed I was doing drugs and raising hell too. Since they didn't see me or talk to me, what else would they think? My isolation sort of bit me in the butt! Plus I felt aghast that anyone would think I did drugs, who ME?? I'm chunky and have all my teeth. I might be covered with hay and have poopoo on my boots but I'm always polite, pleasant, I have a good sense of humor, and I like people.

I was also afraid my A would break into the property and steal stuff. He sure demanded I hand stuff over. I changed the locks, put locks where there were none before. I have a pistol cocked and loaded, wouldn't want to shoot him per se but he doesn't know that. I have dogs that would bark like mad. Stealing stuff from the property was something I WOULD NOT tolerate, and so far he hasn't attempted to come by. But my A is very entitled and believes he should get what he wants right now, and is impulsive, so I needed to accomodate this "reality" in whatever way I could.

It was very hard to contemplate involving the "law" when it came to my A. I threatened to call the sheriff when he drove off plastered, told him I'd report his physical abuses. All this did was make him mad and threaten me more. Finally, a sheriff pulled up to the house and told me the A had been tazed and taken into custody in another county. I was holding two goat baby bottles and had the little things jumping all over me and the sheriff :D and I just spilled my guts to him. That's when it was "over", I got the protection order and was able to set a boundary with him that worked, with the assistance of the "law". Everytime he attempted to contact me I reported him, and he stopped trying.

I still love him, always will. But it was so clear how BADLY I was feeling, and how miserable and depressed I was living with his disease that love just wasn't enough. I deserve better, we all do. We have choices in what to do with our lives, and we don't have to live with active alcoholism if we don't want to. I didn't, and don't. I don't have to wait for him to come around, I need to get on with my life. I have to put him out of my mind daily . . . nothing like I used to have to do. Who knows what the future will bring for him . . . but MY future is going to be better, I believe this with my whole heart.

Sorry about the lengthiness . . . your last post really touched me. I know that feeling of just hanging my head and "hating this". You've done NOTHING wrong, but love an alcoholic honey. You can feel happy and peaceful again, with our without him. So glad you found us!

Kim