The material presented
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omg i am so happy to finally be able to tell someone how i feel. i am ready to explode. this might be a long post bit i will try and keep it simple. i have been with my guy since 2000 or 2001 i cant remember at the moment and it doesnt matter. he has always had a problem i guess but just over the past year or more, it has been a problem for me and i did all the nagging, dumping out, threatening and blah blah blah. well i actually took our two kids and left . i felt it was unsafe and quite frankly i was FED UP. i had my plan. being a stay at home mom after having our second child i felt helpless in leaving with nothing of my own ($) or car in my name. but it got too much and i did it. i left with the plan to get public assistance (u gotta do wat u gotta when u r desperate) and get me and the kids a place. put my five year old in school and the two year old in daycare and start from the bottom. little did i know that us leaving would FINALLY make him realize that he had a problem. if i knew that was all it took i would have left a long 'xxxx' time ago. sorry but im pissed. anyway we were staying with my mom, didnt miss it here at all..... and he went and signed him self up for an out patient program 5 days a week three hours a day and has been going to aa meetings everyday. we came back, its been like heaven. not like it was when he would not drink for a week and we just waited for a slip up again. its been great. and i even went to two alanon meetings so far. at the same time of his meetings around this town. the first one i went to i cried and just felt like i was ecstatic to finally get some help/ all they did was read something about the clerical duties and who gets paid and who doesnt and all the professionalism that should not be included. i get all that. i wanted more though. someone did talk to me after, he showed me the books which i didnt have the money for yet. i would have bought them all. the pamphlets that they gave me (a whole bunch) i read them all between that night and the next morning.. my favorite was the merry go round one which opened my eyes to what i ws actually doing wrong by nagging and all that..... so i was so happy to be involved. and supportive. and i looked forward to the next meeting. i wanted to explode. i have so many questions and its like everyone is so ahead of me. i dont know how to get started on steps i dont knw what the sayings are that they have on the tables and at the same time i dnt want to stray from the topics they are on. i know i look like i wanna explode in there, and my mind races. i go in there with lots i want to talk about, and they talk and then there is even more i want to say! i cant get it all out. i did talk a little last night to a woman there, but i had to go- my husband was standing outside the door, and before we went in i told him that our five year old needed to be on her schedule for the bedtime routine since she is starting kindergarten in september. and our other little girl will be two in october and she is always with me never with anyone else and when she wants bed time she wasnt mommy. so when we went to get them lkst night it was already like 930 and her aunt was holding the baby outside because she was crying for me. i am frustrated because i want to do alanon,. i want to be a good mom. i want to be able to talk to people. and i cant call people because with all the crap that has gone on my kids once they see me on the phone they want my attention. they will whine or do outrageous things to get me off the phone. they are not unruly. i feel i am a good parent. they have been through some crap and i am their only reliable one for attention i feel.and it is taking a toll on me. wow i didnt even get to why i am mad. i have a lot of issues. i hope someone is still reading this far. also i dont want them to hear what i have to say, my five year old is tuned into everything and it is getting so hard to hold my composure. so let me get to the point. i am pissed off because now instead of wondering where my husband is or if he is coming home once a week or more, he is not here everyday. and the kids want him . they dont want to go to bed until he gets here and sometimes the meetings are late. im trying to have a routine here, and its interfering. so now we arent worried if he is coming home, but when. and he is here like 2 or 3 hours a day if that sporadically throughout the day. i havent really counted but i t s probably less. now that they have seen this sober side of him they miss him and im the one who has to deal with it. and yeah i get to go to alanon but its rushed afterwards because i would rather get home to the kids and keep the routine. he on the other hand will leave a half hour early for the meeting and stay an hour after the meeting. i dont think its fair to me and i dont think its fair to the kids.i needed a break when he was an active alcoholic and i need an even bigger break now because there are even more issues. he wants to talk to me now since i called and told him after he was already at the meetin 45 minutes after it was over that i really dont know if i could stick with this. he signed up to make the coffee at the meeting he went to tonight which means he would have to leave here 45 minutes before the meeting started just so he could do that. right now i feel the kids need the attention. and that was the subjesct before he left. he knew how they felt so you think he would leave after the meeting or at least have a cutoff time of fifteen mintues to give me a break knowing they are waiting up for him. yeah i did read that there would be some resent ment but you think he would work with us here. he worked so hard to get us back (thats another srtory) and now that we are here, we take second priority again) yeah he need to take care of himself, and i knowthat talking to others helps him stay sober, but what about these kids they deserve a dad who is here when he is here for the 1/2 hour at a time. and some kind of security of knowing he will at least tuck them in . i dont evencare about me right now. its them, im trying this for them to have a normal family. maybe its not possible. anyfeedback would be greatly appreciated. i can breathe now. hopefully someone read my book here. lol
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 17th of May 2011 11:13:55 AM
I remember so well early sobriety and it is hard. For the A and for us. My A got to a point where he was comfortable enough with his sobriety and his meetings that he would take the kids with him. They were 4 and a baby at the time. In fact, the baby took her first steps at an AA meeting. But in the beginning it was rough. But you're doing it! You got to a meeting and you want to get to another and that is awsome! It is going to be hard and something you will probably have to work for if you really want it. There will come a point where you will be able to think of things in terms of "how important is it?" and then decide what is and isn't important. Give yourself a big pat on the back for all you have done for those kids and know that taking care of yourself is a good thing. Welcome and keep comming back. There are meetings in the chat room here and I have found those to be a blessing especially when I couldn't get to my f2f.
Hi and Welcome. I know how you feel. The resentment. My Ah went to inpationet for 21 days. He cam back a complertly different person. It is all for the good but sometimed I feel that resentment set in. It is still about him and his meeting and everything. I know in time that he will get more comfortable with life and sobriety and i will be ok. But with out those meetings he won't stay sober so I always tell myself that if I feel the resentment coming back. Good Luck focus on you and the kids. I have 3 so I know the feeling of needing just 5 minutes alone.
Early sobriety is a real bi**h, ain't it?? I remember all too well the feelings that you are feeling. I wanted my AH to come home from treatment having realized all the bad things that he had done, remember how much he loved me, and try to make it all up to me. It didn't happen, and I was still as lost, frustrated, angry, scared, insane as I was when he was drinking. Only now he had a group of new best friends and I was still on the outside. It was all about him when he was drinking and it was still all about him when he got sober. WTF??
What I didn't know at the time was that it would take 20 months for his brain to "dry out" and for him to be able to really process emotions/information/events and be able to really communicate about them in anything more than in a superficial way. A recovering AA shared with me that it took 6 months of sobriety for him to have a real emotion, and then he had to figure out what to do with it. My AH explained it as, how would I feel if I did everything with a best friend for 20 years and then in an instant that friend was gone?? For him, the best friend was alcohol. I guessed that I would probably be depressed and scared sh**less!!
So, not realizing all of that, I was going to Al-Anon, but I was just going to bitch and moan and vent, vent, vent. And nothing changed. He was going to AA, but he didn't have a sponsor and he wasn't really working a program. And nothing changed.
Finally, after about 6 months, we were fighting and communicating (or not communicating) just like we did when he was drinking. Shortly before we agreed to separate, we had a terrible fight--it was exactly like it was when he was drinking except nothing was broken and no one was hit.
Then, when my AH was about 9 months sober, I decided that I needed to get a sponsor and really start working on me and my own recovery. At about the same time, my AH got a sponsor and really started working a program. That was when things started to change. But it took time, alot of work, prayers and sometimes tears.
In my case, I wasn't ready to leave my marriage so I had to accept that "just for today" I was married and that it was what it was, "just for today." I had to accept my AH at face value when he said that it took all of his energy and focus to stay sober and to figure out where he fit in the world. I had to learn to really let go of my expectations and to detach from him while he figured out how to stay sober and how to live "happy, joyous and free." I had to figure out how to do for me what he wasn't able to do. I drew boundaries regarding unacceptable behavior. I tried to stay open to the changes in him and to provide positive reenforcement as he grew and matured in sobriety, while trying not to resent the fact that I wasn't a part of it--it was his recovery.
I was able to let go of alot of resentment when I accepted that my AH suffers from a disease. I went to open AA meetings and listened and realized that my AH is truly powerless over alcohol. Bottom line, I may not have liked him in early sobriety, but the alternative was DEATH--death of my marriage, my spirit, my mental and physical health and most likely actual death for him if he ever picked up again.
And a funny thing happened as I focused on my own recovery. I built up my own support system of Al-Anons who knew exactly what I was going through. I now have my own recovery buddies and we go to dinner before meetings and go to Al-Anon conventions together. I am not alone anymore--regardless of where my AH is in his recovery. It is a wonderful feeling.
Hang in there. Go to f2f meetings when you can, get a sponsor, work the steps, work on you and things are bound to change. Recovery is made up of baby steps, but if you line them up back to back you can get to places you've never thought possible. There is hope!! Just remember to breathe
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I lived through two relapses and one early sobriety/recovery episode (the last relapse split us up). I remember those first months he was newly sober . . . he went to meetings daily, like his butt was on fire and they had the hose :D . He was on the phone to his sponsor a lot. His sponsor had him up at 5 am on Saturday ams to cook pancakes for twenty something people coming to the breakfast AA meeting.
As long as my A was going to meetings, working steps with his sponsor and slaving over the pancakes he was a different man. When he stopped going to meetings, calling his sponsor, etc, "it" came back . . .
I remember being SO GLAD to see him for a half hour before we fell exhausted into bed. He had AA coming out of his ears. I was very fortunate to have a close Alanon friend tell me to just let him go, let him attend meetings, flip pancakes, make coffee, work steps and everything else (namely ME :D) can wait. The alternative -- living with an active addict -- was enough for me to say OK!
And by experience, I'd say to you get out of the way, and I mean that in the kindest way possible, from one sis to another. He's newly sober and it sounds to me anyway like he's really getting into his program. He NEEDS that program to stay alive. Make times when the kids get to see Daddy really, really special to make up for his absense. It won't last forever, as he gets more solid he'll WANT to be with those girls :) . And, he'll WANT to be with you.
In the meantime, great work on the Alanon meetings . . . get into this program like he's into his, if not in time spent but in your heart. This board is great for daily Alanon contact. I sure need it. Your anger is so understandable . . . he's sober but he's STILL gone . All he's done is quit drinking, there's so much more. Alanon will help you with that.
I'm glad you're here, and hope you'll join in as often as you can :) Kim
Congratulation's to you and yours for sobriety, well My husband has been sober now for 13 months now, at first I was overwhealmed, and oh so happy, then I started to plan his life for him, after all he owed me, and I was in credit for all I'd done for him, and him to me for all the wrong's, so now he could start being the man I wanted him to be, the father, the husband, the lover, then I went off controlling what I wanted from him, of course he couldn't be what I wanted him to be for me, and so we've had a few hicups along the way, because I couldn't understand why he wouldn't do what I wanted. It's tough sobriety because it's new and different, I couldn't use his drinking as an excuse anymore to berate him, and it's taken me 13 months to learn that I have been affected too and have alot of things about me I need to sort out and it's not my place to plan his life, on his behalf. To be honest I have been worse of late, but still life is good and braking things down to one day at a time, not thinking you have to get it completely right all the time and that you can restart your day at any time has been my saving grace. Go steady.
Hello Frazzled , if your husb is sober perhaps u can talk youself into staying to chat after meetings or go out for cofeee. they are his children too . His meetings and service are his life savers now tho taking time away from his family , support his efforts at sobriety , but look after yourself as well . Take time for you , your the only one that can do this for you . Fellowship in our programs is awsome take advantage of it , make new friends and get to know them outside of meeting situation. The neat thing about recovery is that today we have choices . Waiting for him to notice that you need free time too is fruitless , they just don't see it . Ask for what u need unfortunately they still arent mind readers . hehe. You don't say how long he is sober, Stark Raving sober lasts awhile . so take care of yourself as best you can .
well when i found all these responses today i have to tell you i just wanted to cry. FINALLY, i was able to let it all out and FINALLY get some feed back. thank you so much for all your comments and sharing and advice..... i will try and keep all this is mind i have a feeling that this place may help me more than the face to face meetings (i am going to keep going to the two that i have been to) but here i can have the time to say what i feel without the kids hearing the crap and not having to worry about getting home to them, and i love writing~ i can get all the emotions out without being interrupted or forgetting what else i wanted to say. so with this here and the f2f meetings i think i can get through these bumps (i am feeling a little optimistic today) ;) at the same time i think i might have messed up a little- he decided to take the group therapy off today to spend it with the kids, and to fix the van rotors, throw away some things that needed to go to the dump, and all that stuff, which was great . i got some time to myself, he took the girls with him for like an hour and i picked up his alcoholics anonymous book ( i NEEEED to get the alanon books) i read the chapter to wives, and in it i read that if i feel resentment it could be the worse thing and it might want to make him start again. if he didnt get it from me he would get it from the kids, i am their advocate but i guess he could feel their wanting him too. i didnt have to tell him. well it is what it is they say, and i cant control what happens on his end it what im getting. i can only try and be supportive and keep things in check here for me andthe kids. oh i hope i can do it!!!! its gonna be a long hard road but i think its worth the chance to see if these kids can have the normal family they deserve. i will just be getting older and grayer faster in this life than i expected but its all for the kids so i will sacrifice me and take care of their needs first. what ever is left at the end of the day if i have energy i will use for ok i am rambling BUT AGAIN THANK YOU ALL I LOOK FORWARD TO TALKING SOME MORE!!!!! i finally memorized the serenity prayer it keeps popping up in my head and thats a good thing
hi, thanks for your comments. you are actually the first one im writing back to personally. he ahs been sober for two weeks. which is JUST the beggining i know. i did tell him last night maybe he could drop me off at the alanon meeting on tuesday nights,. he has a meeting at the same time same place that night . so in your opinion do you think i should just let him go to his and i go to mine that same night since he is early in recovery?> i would stay home with the kids but i NEED to get to at least those two meetings a week for sanity hahaha. the two meetings i go to a week are at the same time and place as his and i was wishing i could just go to one on my own so i didnt have to feel rushed to get home, and he could have a night of putting the kids to bed and quality time. but if its too early in recovery for him i would rather him go to the meetings he has to and i can try and hold up things as i have been doin all along. thanks i appreciate you taking the time out for me to read and reply
