The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been a year now that we have been separated and living apart.I am moving on with my life and apparently from you letter you are just standing still or running in circles.It amazes me that you think that I owe you something.You had places to stay, great jobs, money, family and you threw that all away.Now you think you can just have it back for the asking?I suggest you see the psychiatrist in the prison and ask them for some medications for those delusions.I have been struggling for months and months, barely getting by but making a good life for me and the kids.My life has been peaceful and chaos free for the most part and you honestly think that I would allow you to come in and destroy all that I have worked to achieve?You always seem to minimize the level of destruction and pain you have caused, and especially your responsibility for it.
In the beginning, when I first moved out you might have had a chance to prove yourself and win us back but those days are long long gone.No you cannot come stay with me, and honestly I dont really care what you think of me or what Im doing, thats your problem.Same ol same ol, everything is about you, and how you are affected.It is NOT my responsibility to make life easier for you, to make sure that you see your children, to fix the disaster of a life you have created for yourself.You made your bed now lie in it and maybe if you figure it out one day and learn how to be a responsible and reliable person, then you can find a way to rebuild a relationship with your kids.That will be through YOUR work, not mine!When are you going to realize that it is on you, not anyone else to right the wrongs that you have done?
I dont owe you anything, not even the time of day as far as Im concerned.You chose to abandon us, I know you dont see it that way because Im the one who moved out but the reality is that you abandoned this family the minute you decided to start drinking and using again.You had abandoned us before too but I was so busy trying to save you, and save our marriage I didnt see what it was doing to our children.Now its crystal clear.I could write a novel listing the things you have done to endanger me and the kids because of your drug and alcohol abuse.Im not going to list them now because first off its pointless, it always goes in one ear and out the other, secondly, you minimize everything and make absurdities seem normal in your own mind.
There were many things I overlooked in the past that I shouldnt have and that was MY fault.Both me and the kids will pay for that lack of good judgment.I know you better than you know yourself, and thats pretty sad.But I also know myself now and I am not the same person I was when we were together.Sometimes Im shocked and amazed by the things I tolerated, the things I let my children see and hear and live through when I should have been protecting them from the madness.
I really do hope that you figure life out and learn how to live it rather than running from it and hiding in shame and guilt.I know that I have done all I can do and then some and it will never be enough, nothing I can do or say will make you see the light.I suggest that you try to go to Washington and stay with your mom or your aunt until you get on your feet.Im done making life easier and more pleasant for you, nobody does that for me!You have no hesitation in putting me or the kids out to make things easier for you.Now thats what Im going to do.The days of me accommodating your needs and desires are done.
Hmmm... I guess it kind of depends on what you are hoping to accomplish with the letter.... If you feel you need to vent and justify yourself again, then go for it... I don't see it doing any good for him, as he will most likely just use it against you & your character. Sometimes it's best for us to just walk away and move on with dignity, rather than to get dragged down to their level.
Just my two cents Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wow. Great letter. I am torn here. I feel so much of what you wrote in that letter myself. And the whole "Putting it in his face" is so what I would love to do. But Canadianguy has a point about his using that letter against you....to prove you have a character flaw. I am inclined to "Just walk away". Sometimes I feel like throwing stones will make me feel better but in the end, I think it ends up hurting worse than just letting it all go.
And ya know what? I bet it is just eating him up, sitting there in jail, just waiting for your response to his outbursts in his letter. He probably WANTS you to respond and no response would be the best weapon against his madness. By NOT responding, you are showing him that he no longer has any affect on you. NONE. He has wasted his time in writing that letter to you b/c it is not going to have any affect......no lashing back, nothing. Maybe he will see that you truly no longer care what happens to him b/c you didn't bother to console him or attack him. Make sense. Just me rambling here.
So my vote is "BURN IT". Or just hold on to for future reference when you need reminding of how infuriated he makes you.
Oh, burn - or at least just put away in the drawer. Bet it felt good to write, though.
Everything you said in your letter, he either deep down knows and doesn't want to admit, or is not capable of seeing. So, there is not a lot of point in saying it to him. "No" is a complete sentence.
If, whn he gets out, he wants to see the kids, he can apply through the court for visitation rights, and tell his sad story to the judge.
if you;ve got the custody issue to deal with as well as the divorce burn it. Of course its cathartic for you to write it. I've railed at the A. He's played my phone messages to people and used it against me. I do very very very very much know the need to get the rage out though. Speaking as someone who was morbund with depression I'm all for it but be careful where you direct it and whether there is a record of it.
I vote to burn it, or put away to read next year so you will have wonderful proof to yourself of how much you have grown. I like to read my old journals. They help me realize how far I have come. I think this qualifies as a juornal entry.
Give your pup a hug for me.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Ok I guess Burn is the concensus! I never seem to get together the motivation to actually put my letters in an envelope and get a stamp on em and mail em.
