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Ok so I'm a little upset today. I got a letter from the A (hole) yesterday from the jail. He actually had the nerve to say please don't act like one of those $#i^ head women who uses the kids or keeps me from them or something along that line and then went on like I had done that in the past. Now that got my blood boiling. Considering I have had him at my house on holidays last year (against my better judgment) and taken them to see him repeatedly. He seems to think that we are supposed to be at his beck and call when he wants us and then disappear when he goes off on a runner. So delusional!!
Then he had the nerve to ask me if he could come stay for a few weeks - I'm thinking not just no but HELL NO! Then he proceeds to talk about how if I sell the car I should give him 1/2 the money (sold it last weekend for $250) and how he should be caught up on child support because of various money I have gotten from him (I don't THINK so). Oh ya and in the beginning he had the nerve to say he was upset because I haven't sent any letters and that I should write and tell him how the kids are that's the least I could do - HA!
So when I finished the letter I was angry, I crumpled it up and threw it away. I find it so amazing his ability to minimize all he has done and still believe that I owe him ANYTHING! A very large part of me is hoping he gets into trouble again and stays in jail for a good long time. He still acts as if he has done nothing wrong. I have no intentions of telling him where I live. I tried last night to picture him staying for a few weeks to "get on his feet" and the thought made me feel sick to my stomach! Just picturing being in the same space with him is repulsive. Here I am scrambling and struggling every day financially and physically to make it on my own with these kids and he has the NERVE to act like I owe him something? Then he tried to pull the it's better for the kids if I help him - he'll make money, etc. I've been tricked by that one before! He has nowhere to go when he gets out and I just wish he'd go to the other side of the US and stay with his mom (she's moving to Washington next month) I'm so angry...grrrr. He has had places to stay, jobs, money, but he just insists on getting drunk and high and losing it all and now it's MY responsibility to fix his problems??? NOT~!!!
Anyway, just wanted to get that out there, he's getting out in October and I am praying he will just get it figured out. Why do they have to try to drag everyone around them under? Of course he's sooooo wonderful how could I actually be making it and doing ok without his glorious presence??
Ok I'm done, I am still a little irked by the letter but more so scared that he's going to find me and be at my doorstep and I just really want him to go away. I know he wont because he thinks he has some sort of entitlement to me to our son, it's not like love, it's like belongings. Always what can we do for him and not the other way around!
These are the times where I have to remind myself of what I know and that my A is mentally out there in a world of his own. Do your best not to let this get to you...remember what you know, your truth (it's closer to the real truth than his, lol) -- you don't need to make him see how screwed up he is, it's just well enough that you know it.
Time to take a deep breath and say ahhhhh, October is two months away, I'm going to live for this one day, this one moment -- there is beauty in this day and I won't let his letter rob it from me.
Life is tough -- only you also have so much going for you. Just think of the new place you're moving to
Hey Carolinagirl - You have a restrainging order against him right? Well.....then if he shows up, call the cops. And let him know that you will do that if you see him anywhere near your home. You don't even have to say that you have moved. He'll figure that one out on his own. Just say - If you come anywhere near my home, I will call the cops.
It almost sounds as if he is getting desparate to find a place to go after he gets out. He is scrambling to figure it out. And I am sure he thinks he can finagle you enough to get through your door. Then WHAM, that will probably void the restraining order and once he is in, you won't be able to get him out. Stick to your guns. Trust your gut. Go with your instincts here. I know we are not supposed to give advice.....so I am stating all of this as something I would do in your shoes. :)
Don't let him push your buttons. He is just trying to work his way back in and he is using the whole "You owe me" tactics. BS in my book. When my AH is feeling like a piece of crap, he tries to build himself back up by putting everyone else around him down. He always talks about how much he has done for others in the past and no one will return the favor. How he has found out who his true friends are now that he is down and out and needs help. It is all mind games. Don't buy into it.
Do what you need to do to secure your future and that of the kids. Don't let him have any kind of hold on you. You are holding all of the cards. I hope you realize that. All the cards to your life are right there in your hand. He has his cards and they are crappy cards....and not a single one can improve your hand. "You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run! Never count your money when you're sittin at the table. There be time enough for countin when the dealin's done!" Stick to your game girl.
Thanks guys, I know this too shall pass, etc. I think I'm going to write a really long nasty letter and BURN IT!!@! At least then I can say all the mean nasty things I want to say (maybe I'll post it here too) LOL I am fine without him better than fine, excellent and he needs to go away and leave me alone!
Funny thing is, I just sent him a letter last Thurs asking for him to sign power of atty. on the cars so I can put the titles in my name and included a brief matter of fact letter about the kids. He probably sent this one out before he got that. It has to be notarized so I'm sure it wont happen but it was worth a shot. As for this, I'm gonna pay him no attention. In my mind we are already divorced.
So proud of you for realizing that this is the disease at work. That this is obviously someone that is out of this world and that thinks he is owed something. So proud of you. And you know the answer: No is a complete sentence with two letters. So proud of you!
The a's minimizing is a huge trigger for me. Last weekend I simply couldn't take his minimizing my having to move on my own. He always minimizes everything except his needs of course. I do sympathise.
I also know for me any contact at all with the A is loaded. At some point I have to go to the mailbox we once shared. I know that will be a trigger.
I can go into huge reactivity over the a's comments and find myself totally emotionally exhausted and spent and in reaction mode for years. Now I am in the place where I am going to really limit any and all contact with him and his family and friends. I think that is one way for me to manage it.
I keep thinking goal. What are my goals. One is to have more energy, another is to be less isolated.
When my A was in jail for a couple of weeks in June, I had the domestic protection order in place when he got out. I did not care if he had to sleep on a park bench. Even the sheriff (at first) was sympathetic for him . . . coming to my door and saying he just needs ONE vehicle so he can get around . . . please spare me the violins. I packed him a bag and told the sheriff it wasn't my problem he didn't have transportation.
At first this seemed to "shock" the sheriff, but the next day when the A violated the protection order by trying to take my car at the gas station, this same sheriff had to respond and pick the A up. After that, none of the local sheriffs would help the A.
I'm not nearly as angry now, but in retrospect, my anger was an excellent reinforcement for my boundaries. As long as I really had to guard them, I needed that anger. I had to let go of it after a while when the A realized no one was going to be manipulated any longer and "gave up" trying to get this and that from the property.
I attribute the "success" here as keeping it very simple with the A . . . the protection order was my friend. If the A bothered me, all I had to do was call 911. I did. I reported to the sheriff's office each and every time he attempted to contact me. They are obligated to respond. Most people who get R.O.'s don't use them, which is why they have a bad rap. If you let your A get one TOE inside the door, you might as well open it wide, that's how I looked at it.
I was also so sure I didn't want one single molecule of my A anywhere near me it was "easy" to enforce my boundaries. I didn't even need to get angry about it when he tried to slither and slime in.
A's are manipulative and very sick, yours still sounds lost in the forest my dear. Still sounds like he has no idea that he must help himself. That's not your problem, and it's not even true. He just had you believing it all those years, and is still hoping you'll bite. Of course he does! You always did bite, like me, in the past . . . so let it go, his pleading and guilting you about the kids, you are on your way to a new home, new life, and you are doing SO WELL you are a true inspiration. Who CARES what he writes or says?? It means nothing now. Nothing at all. For you.
I have found it very helpful to write letters, really get into them as if I were to send them, and then burn them in the wood stove, or outside in a safe place, and while they burn I pray or say out loud that I am done, I am letting go and turning over this issue to where it belongs, to HP not me.
Just reading your post made me pissed at him. lol He says the same dumb s**t my Ah says. So here's what I did. I said you call when you want to call because they are pretty much over your crap too. So now he knows he had better call, HE has to be the one to make an effort because if it were up to me he wouldn't get a call (unless the kids want to call him, I won't tell them no) I'd have to agree with you on not letting him stay with you. He sounds soooooooooo manipulating. Oh girl, don't go crazy again. It sounds like you have finally got yourself in a stable atmosphere. I wouldn't give him any money either. Consider it harassment and restatution or alimony...something like that. hahaha Sorry, but I have no sympathy for men who act like they are the victims and we are the bad bad people who harmed them. UGH! Good luck girl, keep focused and go the way you're going.
