The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a mother of a recovering meth addict. Is it okay for me to join this group and discuss issues of this nature, haven't read too much yet but see just alcoholism issues so far???
I could really use some advise and support in learning how to detach from her drama and her problems. My husband and I are in the process of forcing her to move out of our home due to continued abusive tendencies even though she is almost 2 years clean. Much abstinence, no recovery I'm afraid. I'm walking a thin line right now with my sanity. I know how completely wrong this was on many levels but I have spent the better part of the last 6 years trying to fix her and her problems. I need to get my own house in order before it falls apart.
Thanks for any support you might be able to throw my way.
You kind of answered your own question I think... you mentioned that your daughter is a recovering meth addict...... "then" you listed all the things that affect YOU.
You see this program is centered on you. Many of us have loved ones with different addictions... or multiple. You found that focusing all your attentions on her has taken away from living your own life... and it doesn't really matter what the addiction is, many of us have been right where you are right now.
You are most certainly in the right place... and there are many here from all over the world who understand and can offer their experience, strength and hope to you.
I hope you will stay a while... grab some literature, and even find some local meetings in your area.
Most of all do what you need to do to take care of you! It's that important!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Welcome! I think this place welcomes anyone that has had their lives touched by addictions. I know my A used alchohol but also narcotics... and how that impacted me has been touched on here over and over again. Detaching and learning to manage our own lives is something alanon has helped me with so much with during the past very painful year of abuse,detox and sobriety....I too never saw much actual recovery. Read here everyones experience strength and hope, learn that detaching with love is possible, change is possible. I 'm glad you are here. Something that helped me early on was remembering to be gentle and loving with myself....and the slogan, Take what you like and leave the rest. Love, Fifi
The best thing about detatchment is that what you used to consume yourself with (your daughter's behavior) can now be filled with how you have been affected and how to set yourself free. Free from their disease. We often "share" the disease with them, and suffer right along side from it.
You aren't alone, and that is what you'll find here. Meetings and literature as mentioned will strengthen you and your husband, and pulling back and away from your daughter's dramas will give her an opportunity to face herself. She may or may not take the opportunity, but at least you are giving it to her. That's about all you can do.
In the meantime welcome to MIP!! We're glad you're here and hope to see you posting around more :). There are folks here with addicted children who are going through what you and your husband are. Be good to yourselves, and like rtexas said, your focus on you is a fantastic start! Kim
You are in the right place. An addiction is an addicton. But this is all about you though. How you feel and how it has made your life. The more you read here the more you will see that. Keep comming back!!!!
You are in the right place - my husband was a crack addict, as well as an alcoholic, and everything I have learned here has been helpful. After all, the focus here is on YOU, not on the addict.
Thanks for the welcome and quick responses. In all honesty, I have known that I should look for help for a long time but kept my head buried in the sand thinking I was somehow different and that I could help her grow and move beyond this. The impact this has had on our lives as you all well know is incredible, debilitating at times and has almost caused the collapse of a marriage. It is quite possible that she will be doing some jail time at some point in the future and while I don't think that's the answer, I am almost looking forward to it so that I can relax for awhile, get the space from her that I need. It's also a question of accountabity, she has always escaped recourse, from the law and from us. Unfortunately our system is so backed up it could be a year before she sees the inside of a court room. Having her move out of my house is not going to be enough because she will track me down, harrass and terrorize me. I guess this is the part I need to figure out. I'm actually a bit afraid of her. I'm afraid she will invade me at work, she stops at nothing to be heard and seen and I truly believe she needs a phyc evaluation but have been unsuccessful at getting anywhere with that. Even though I just answered another one of my own questions, I'm leaving what I wrote. I need to be called out when I start to drift back to "her"... I work for an attorney and I guess if these things happen I will get a no contact order. At least that way I can have her arrested if she does terrorize me. For the first time probably ever, I deferred completely to my husband to handle the situation after an ugly episode last Friday. I have fought tooth and nail to keep him from tossing her belongings out in the drive for a long time now. I think just in this action, I gained back a bit of respect from him for allowing him to take action. I have been part of the problem, not part of the solution for sure. I think we can survive this, we've survived alot but I have to stay strong and not back down. I know one thing for sure, I am tired of turning in the drive and feeling sick if her car is here. I'm tired of the way the air turns thick as soon as she walks in the house. I have a 10 month old granddaugter, not hers, that I want to be around for and there are times when I feel like I'm going to have a stroke or a complete mental collapse. I'm in my early 40's, that's not what I want for me. Up until last Friday I still believed with my whole heart that it was my job in this life to put my kids first, always. Their needs, desires and problems. My kids are 22 & 20, it is time for them to take control, or sink or swim I suppose. It's tough. I've been touched by what I've read here so far. Life is a journey isn't it..... Thanks again, Toni
My mother is doing this with my brother. I have told her for years to quit enabling him by letting him live with her (hes 50 yrs old) She's finally quit and all his drug resources have dried up so now he's pulling the "suicidal card" on her. He admitted himself saying he wants to commit suicide. I think it's a ploy and a load of BS. I think you are very wise to quit enabling and letting her go. I wish I had ESH for you but I don't. I have never been in your shoes in that matter. Please take care of yourself and try your hardest to protect your grandchild. Lots of prayers to you. ^i^
My AH is a meth addict. As you have heard from the others, it really doesn't matter the addiction. The focus is on us, not them.
Glad you're here.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Hi Toni...my son is an addict also. Addicted to alcohol, opiates and weed. He's 34 years old and I've been on this roller coaster ride since he was barely 16. At that age we took him to a rehab program but he came out and used again. I let him live with me (on again off again) until the age of 31. That's when I joined our local Al-Anon group and found a sponsor. I know I can't turn the clock back and I know I'm not going to spend my life surrounded by regrets, but I also feel that IF I had made him make his own way after the first slip up he may have learned something. I cushioned his every fall. I did what FOY's mom is doing because I thought I could save him from taking his life. He threatened suicide many times and still does and it still makes me crazy everytime. My sponsor last night told me to think of it this way...he's killing himself everyday with what he's using...so letting him live with me is NOT going to save him. Finding Al-Anon saved my life...I just couldn't go on the way I was. I was sicker than he was. I think except for 2 women in our group the rest are being affected by drug addictions of their loved ones as well. I love this online group and the people here. Keep coming back.
Hi, alcohol and heroin here, so you're definitely not alone. I think the A represents addict as well as alcoholic. Like everyone else said, this program is for you not them. It doesn't really matter what the addiction because we all have pretty much the same issues related to it.
I guess I was interpreting the A for alcoholism, thanks again for the very warm welcome.
Being gentle and kind with and to myself is something that could pose a bit of a challenge. I feel a bit like I'm going through a grieving process and in an odd sort of way I understand it. It's like closing, or trying to close a chapter in my life. To think that things could actually get better or that I could at some point in the near future be living a life without the chaos that has been US for so long seems foreign to me, but welcoming nontheless. What I believe I'm grieving though is the loss of the chaos because in a way that chaos meant I was still fighting. I feel like I am giving up. She can be a very kind person, she has a heart as big as Texas but I am watching that part of her slowly slip away as she continues to sink in the quagmire she calls her life.
I have spoken to her grandparents and aunts on both sides. In all fairness I feel they need to know that soon she is going to in a state of panic with no place to go. On her dads side she has portrayed me as a horridly wicked mom that has made her have to hide in her closet to survive at times. This tale she spins is so far from the truth that it's laughable but in all fairness to them, I never tried to rebut. I didn't care what she said and figured that those who knew me could decipher truth from fiction. Everyone was aware of her addiction, hard to hide a meth addiction but I think this was her way of justifying her problems. The funny thing is her bio dad is a drug addict and he did beat on all of us. I think this might be one of those transference things but then who knows.
At any rate, I'm still very emotional but feel positive that I'm doing the right thing by first distancing us physically and then learning how to emotionally let go. In my defense when her behavior became really irratic and things got really bad she was only 14 years old. By 15 I had her in the system on a youth at risk program which worked for a time, she did some time in the juvinile facility. When she turned 18 I turned to the police department to help me and by this time I was so sucked into her life that I didn't even know there was such a thing as letting go. The police department used me and I'm only finding out now to what degree. One cop in particular gave me really bad advise but he had alterier motives and I'm quite angry about this now. I guess I need to let go of that as well.
The way she's going it's only a matter of time before she's using again anyway and I know without a doubt that I can't go through that again if she's a part of my daily life. Now's the time. Sometimes I think we have to get hit with a brick before we understand how bad it hurts.
I haven't cried in so long, now I cry periodically without warning, or because of a thought. It feels like a good thing though, letting myself feel something for a change. A part of me has been missing for so long.
Hi and a big welcome from Australia. I would say to you that your emotional health is just as important as your daughter's physical health. It is gut wrenching when one of your "babies" is on a downward spiral. The only person you can help at the moment is you. I am sure that over the years you have neglected even your own smallest needs. If you can afford it book yourself a massage or facial you deserve it. Luv Leo xxx
