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I'm not ready to hit the "Send" button yet. Partly because of the shitstorm I'm going to endure but a small piece of me is worried about something more awful. I'm finally in a position where I may HAVE to expose my wife's drinking to someone and she's never been in that position before and I'm legitimately unsure how she might respond.
Long story short is my hope that a second pregnancy would give my wife the 9 month sabatical from drinking she needed to see the light about the benefits of sobriety proved to be the folly my head told my heart it would be. Our second son was born 2 months ago with some modest physical challenges which he'll overcome in time. His mom started drinking again immediately.
I guess I'm posting this because I have noone to talk to. I'm not exagerating that if I told some folks this, they would wonder if I was crazy or lying. I just want to know if anyone thinks this letter is a bad idea, a good idea or just another harmless waste of effort and time.
Dear ****;
I love you. I love you more than any person I have ever known save our sons who I would not have but for you. You are beautiful and loving and a caring mother and wife.
If our life together makes you sad or depressed or hopeless to the point that youve had to get drunk every night for 5 years now with the exception of the periods youve been pregnant, Im sorry. Maybe Ive been a disappointment or havent done enough for us as a family. I often think that, and it has nothing to do with your drinking. I just think I havent lived up to my potential in many ways and maybe you feel I've let you down. If so, I do apologize. If I can do anything to remedy it and make our life happy and hopeful again I will do it without qualification no matter how hard. If theres nothing I can do, Ill let you go and I'll pray you find your happiness somewhere else.
I am an alcoholic. I dont get to drink anymore. My parents missed the gene, but many people in my family didnt. Lots of us die from it. Your mother is an alcoholic and she's sadly beyond recovery. By various anecdotes, I suspect your sister is an alcoholic too. Your mothers siblings are all alcoholics if you didnt know. I was really proud of ***** when I heard he'd quit drinking. I worry that ******* might be too, but hes still relatively young and may just be a hard recreational drinker. I think your fathers brother died from complications from alcoholism.
Alcohol is pervasive and insidious and when you examine our family trees, I wonder if you ever look at those two little boys upstairs and wonder what kind of hell theyre in for? I do just about every night. Its why I volunteer to stay up at night, because I know I cant sleep until I practically collapse anyway. Sometimes I see a handsome young homeless guy in the street smiling looking for drink money and it flashes in front of me "could that be our tiny **** in 20 years?" Or I think of ****** with his birth defects maybe having hearing or speech impediments or being insecure if he's not as handsome as his brother getting dependent on alcohol to fit in or to feel cool. Sometimes when you're passed out at night, this is what I'm lying next to you thinking about. It's as much about my drinking past and my family's as yours. But I'm not sure I can take many more such nights.
You missed a lot of ****s first 9 months because you were drinking so much. You were there and always very loving to ****, but you were impaired the latter half of most days. I was reassured by telling myself he was too young to remember anything and youd stop in time. I knew about and allowed you to drive impaired with **** more than once. I was always scared of confronting you because of the chill you tend to put over the house when I question your drinking. I told myself, "they're only going a mile to the aquarium". As soon as you told me you wanted to get pregnant again, it was like the clouds broke and the sun came out again. I knew that gave me 9 months and I assured myself I would talk you into a sobriety program during that period. Every night walking the dog, I would mean to bring up the subject about looking into some help or support. But every night I shied away from it, hoping and procrastinating like I always do that things will just right themselves without any effort from me.It's obvious now they're not going to. I do believe there are people who can tame their drinking problems and become occasional drinkers. There is no shred of evidence to suggest you are such a person and I'm sorry for that.
Youre an alcoholic. You have a very severe drinking problem which you recognize Im sure. You function well. You go to work, you keep the house, you take care of the kids and everyone we know rightfully adores and respects you. Youre just drunk every day. You slur your words and smell of alcohol and dont remember things the next day. You try to hide bottles and empties and pretend you havent forgotten things, but you cant fool me because I had such a terrible drinking problem myself. Youre kind and not mean or abusive. Its just that its not real. Im always sober and youre always drunk or getting there. You dont pursue career goals anymore. You dont exercise anymore. You say there's no time, but there's always time for drinking. It's that there's no motivation. The drinking saps that. The soundtrack to your life is drinking and the rest of us are just along for the ride.
I am not a doctor and I know this comes across as harsh. I know you'd lay down your life for our kids but the first thing we lose when we drink is sound judgement. We know babies with ******'s problems have feeding issues. But it seems to me ****** has his good feeding days when you haven't been drinking the day prior. This Saturday and Sunday you didnt drink. Your mom arrived and then we both got sick. ****** on Sunday and Monday (the two days following) had his only two good feeding days in almost a week.
We discussed controlling your drinking when he was born because you would be nursing him. It wasn't going to be a problem, remember? You are drinking close to, if not over a bottle of wine a day. Ive been counting. And we both know it's only a matter of time before you're back to your 1 and 1/2 to 2 bottle a day habit. There is no physical way you can be taking 3 hours off of nursing FOR EACH glass of wine you drink as would be required for the milk to be safe for a baby. Ive read that a drink a day is okay someplaces and Ive read 2-3 drinks a week in others. Ive found NOWHERE that says even half a liter of wine a day is safe for nursing infants.
I know you're going to get angry with me and say I'm blaming you for ******'s condition etc. but I don't know what else to do at this point. I've weighed the harm of saying this if my fears are baseless against the harm of saying nothing if they're not. I had to say something. For five years I've kept your constant drinking the world's biggest secret. I have no one to talk to about it. You hide yourself away in the house so much and return so few phone messages I actually wonder if anyone would even believe me. It's a hard way to live for me. But I am not going to let Dr. ****** proceed thinking ****** needs the more risky surgery without either the whole truth coming out or you trying nursing without drinking. .
I'm sorry it's come to this. I'd have given anything to avoid it. But if ****** needs you sober to nurse safely then you're just going to have to act like you're pregnant again until he's chewing and swallowing food. At that point, if you hate me or our life makes you sad and depressed and I have lost such standing in your eyes that affection for me is unrecoverable, I will let you go and find your own happiness and I will provide for you as best I can in the process. No anger, no fight. You tell me what you want and you'll get it as long as I am free to be with our kids every free moment and know they're safe every single moment. I'm not going to raise my kids in a house of stress and screaming and resentment the way my siblings and I were raised. And I won't be party to rasing them in a household where a parent is constantly drunk the way you and your sister probably were.
I want to help you or get you on track to helping yourself. I want our lives to be happy and healthy and nurturing for our little guys. I know this is a hard letter to read and believe me its hard to write. But Im at my wits end and I dont want to stomp around sulking anymore and Im not going to tiptoe around you or your resentment anymore. Im scared and Im confronting it. If you're angry at me or resentful of me, I'll just have to live with it even if it lasts forever. I no longer want to live this way.
(((Jasocal)))) I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know and others on this board know all to well about desperation. After reading your post there were two things I wanted to say to you: 1. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, and more importantly 2. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! There are people here who have been where you are. Please look into face to face meetings (alanon) if you haven't already. The best thing you can do for your two beautiful sons, is to get yourself healthy.
I am not an AL-ANON expert but I will give you a few things to think about... In the letter you take blame for her drinking and that just isnt so... We learn in AL-ANON what we call the 3 C's We didnt cause it, cant control it, and cant cure it. You dont make her drink she is an alcoholic and they drink that is just what they do. Nobody is perfect and we all have the pressures of everyday life the difference is how we handle them. In the letter you also mention that you allowed your wife to drive your son after drinking. Your job is to protect those children and allowing her to drive them after drinking isnt protecting them. They are to young to speak for themselves so you have to speak for them that is unacceptable behavior and regardless if she continues to drink or not she has to know that she is NOT to drive your children... You also mention in your letter about her family of alcoholics. Alcoholism is something that is inherited and she should know that.
In the short.. Re-read your letter. Take the blame off of you and put it where it belongs on her. Dont sugar coat it.. If you are going to the extent of writing a letter make sure it is facts. Decide what you can and cant live with remember what you want and will accept for your sons. Then set boundries and stick to them.. .... I know, this is easier said than done but these are just a few thoughts..
Good LUCK and keep coming back.. There are a lot of very wise people on this site....
Just my opinion take what you want and leave the rest :) T
What a beautiful, heartbreaking, compassionate, thoughtful letter you have written. I was really struck by how eloquent you were about the problem and how careful you were to articulate what you see are the problems. Moreover, this letter shows your willingness to be honest about how alcholism is impact your life and that of your sons.
I recognize in your letter, my own letters that I have written to the A's in my life hoping to reach them and help them.
In my experience, a letter will probably not have an impact on your wife's drinking. You can certainly try, but it is likely that she will get angry, blame her anger on you, and suddenly you will be discussing all of your faults and not the real problem, her drinking, or drinking and breastfeeding.
In the book _Getting them Sober_ the author makes a point that has been so true in my experience, we believe what alcoholics say (and ignore what they do); alcoholics ignore what we say and believe what we do.
Generally, we do not give advice; we only share our ES&H. However, one exception is situations where there are immediate safety issues, which for me, seems to include your wife breastfeeding your baby. I don't know enough about babies, but it seems like a serious boundary is needed here around breastfeeding and the baby. If you wife is drinking too much to discern the situation and take appropriate action, it seems that you must take action. Can you set a boundary with your wife that you will NOT ignore her drinking and NOT sit by while she breastfeeds the baby after drinking and insist that you and she must move the baby to formula? If you can manage to broach this issue with all the calmness you can muster and say it simply and clearly and firmly, you might be surprised that she simply follows your lead when she realizes your serious about this boundary.
Surely others will have ESH for you, too. The most important thing, though, is you must protect yourself and your sons!
God forgive me BlueCloud but in a way, I think I've resisted insisting on formula for the new guy because I think it's off to the races with the bottle if that last responsibility is removed from my wife. It's a terrible situation but I'm going to remedy it one way or another this week and the formula compromise for his safety is, of course an option.
I'd echo Bluecloud's comments words by me got nowhere Actions did. When I stopped acting in ways that "enabled" things changed. In my case it was for worse. Btu things chsnged for me. I no logner felt sorry for him. I no longer coverd up for him and I no longer over managed stuff. When things fell apart they did. I can't imagine what it takes to get there. For me it was insanity.
I am glad you are here This is a good place to be. This is a place that will save you fro insanit.
Jasocal, this is a terrible situation, but like others said you aren't alone. Everyone who's responded has said good stuff for you, I just have to say how much my heart breaks for you and your little boys.
Your wife drinking and nursing a baby is a disaster. I doubt nursing is curbing her drinking or will significantly curb it. What's the point, her "curbing" her drinking or the formation of your son's little brain, which is still in an early stage of development?
Find your way to Alanon meetings and let this program help you to save yourself and the little boys. There's much you can do with setting boundaries, as you can read in the previous posts on this board. Let the Alanon members tell you that you are not responsible for how your wife reacts to your interventions, boundaries, or changes you make in your life. It is not all about HER as her disease would have you believe. We've all been "bullied" by the emotional outbursts and blaming from our A's, and we've been able to detatch and walk away to take care of what is desperately important . . . ourselves, and any children caught in the middle.
I hope you continue to post and stick around with us for a while. There is tremendous hope for you all. Be good to yourself and get to a meeting even if you have to pass the baby around at one :D . Do it for the boys and for you. Kim :)
In my experience, letters like this do not have the impact on the A that we want them to have. This does not mean they don't have value - the value to YOU of saying what you really think for once. Just, adjust your expectations - it is very very unlikely that it will have any effect on her drinking. When you were drinking, did the heartfelt and eloquent pleas of those who cared for you make you want to stop, or did they make you want to get drunk so you wouldn't have to think about it?
Formula is definitely an option, so is speaking truthfully to the baby's doctor, so he does not make decisions based on false information. These things are your responsibility, as that child's father. He has one insane parent, he needs you to be sane and responsible, as hard as that is.
It is clear that you love her, but true love does NOT conquer all, as all of us here have learned. Your baby's health is more important than your wife's feelings.
Welcome Jas, I too hope you will keep coming back and taking in alanon skills.
May I invite you to put this letter away? Getting it out may be all you need for now. Think about it for a bit.
I can tell you, most A's would not read this as it is too long, too much information. They are very sick people, with a horrible disease. They feel more guilt than we ever will. I am sure an A would not read it as they would know it would make them feel worse, plus their brain is not in a place to really take it as meant.
I sure relate to how you feel and you wrote it very well.
The possibility of the kids having FAS is VERY high. Fetal Alcohol syndrome is a very sad condition. If she just used ONE time in a very crucial part of the fetus's development, that is all it takes. If I were you, I would be watching the kids super close as they develop, read about FAS educate yourself. If we catch it early there are ways to teach them that can help.
There are symptoms and certain developments you may be able to see now. I don't know what you mean by modest physical challenges, but hon, for them to even show already is not modest. Many FAS kids don't show the symptoms until later.
I agree with others, we have NO way of knowing if she has drank or not during her pregnancy. Chances are high she did, but hid it well. To drink and nurse should tell you that.
I am tough when it comes to this situation. When it involves kids, I believe it is criminal. Whether she accepts it or not, those babies need help NOW.
I feel bad for her too of course because she SO sick she is and has compromised her ability to be a good mother by using. That always tells me how horribly powerful aism is. NO mammal in the animal kingdom would do this to their young, their first instinct is to protect them. For a human to put their babies in jeopardy, is totally abnormal.
Just like an A driving drunk again after killing some one that way. They have to be very sick.
Blame, letters, you feeling guilty is what aism brings. It sucks us all in. The best way to help your dear wife and precious kids is get to face to face Al Anon meetings, get a sponsor. Read and educate yourself to addiction.
She is not going to ever be cured, in fact as they keep using it get worse. The more seasoned in Al Anon you can be, the better for all of you.
It will help you to make wise decisions in all the things you will have to. Oh Jas the more I read your post, the more my stomach hurts.
Babies are still developing to add alcohol and other drugs to their food... Jas my young husband came home drunk with our babies, I lost it. I kicked him out, and was going to divorce him. I as very much in love with him. Did not want to lose him. But to put our kids in that position... NO WAY!!!! That is how strong the parent instinct should be.
We can love them, it has nothing to do with it. They are sick. But it is up to us to protect our kids.
Sorry this is so long. I am very passionate about this. Been here on MIP for almost 8 years now. Still learn more and more every day. Our journey in Al Anon is never finished.
I have a friend who's kids are just now teens. Mom is A. I listened to him talk about the situation. I listened about what the kids were going thru,what she was going thru.
She is in recovery now, just got a year in. I am so happy for all of them. Pray for them all the time.
Thank goodness he is not A and has hung in there. Thank goodness she got bad enough that she had had enough and has hung in with AA. Still is not heaven Jas. She is still sick.
Anyway I can see you are a very loving person. My heart goes out to you.
Dear ala-pal, This letter sounds like you love your wife alot. I used to write letters to people when I had grave concerns or issues because it was one way I could keep my thgouths together, stay on topic, and say everything I wanted to say. Sometimes, I would have the person read it in front of me and then we would talk about it. Sometimes, I would re-read it so many times that it almost became a script -- so that when it came time to talk face to face... I knew everything I wanted to say. Do what works for you, but you might want to make a date with your wife to either discuss it when she's sober or talk to her when she's sober. If you can't find a time when she's sober to talk, then you might find talking or reading will do no good. They say in al-anon not to argue with a drunk... there's no reasoning with them when they are drunk. It'll only be frustrating to you. Think about it.
I agree with all the posts about you not taking blame for your wife's drinking or for her unhappiness. I also think you are trying to take too much responsibility for her by offering to do whatever you can to make her happy. Your wife is not drinking because of you. Your wife is drinking because of herself -- and she has got to get honest with herself to figure that all out. You can't control how she feels/thinks/behaves. You can't make her happy...you could be the perfect husband and she might still be unhappy... then what? We've all tried it... being perfect is hard work and very few rewards, thank you's, or desired effects. She has to find the source of her unhappiness for herself with the help of her own Higher Power and hopefully a spiritual program like AA.
There are things you can do though: You can take care of yourself and your children. It's your right and your responsibility and if you have the better judgement (b/c your thinking is not impaired by drinking or drug abuse), then do what is best for your children and say that to her. Be specific with her and as they say in this program: "Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean." Whatever boundaries you decide to set on behalf of your children's wellbeing and safety, make sure you carry them through... no idle threats.
You are a husband -- the father of those boys and you have a right to protect your children's safety -- even from the other parent when she is impaired by alcohol abuse. First off, I would call your pedicatrician and get some facts about breastfeeding and drinking... you don't have to reveal anything. Ask how much is safe and how much is too much. Ask how long is too long -- does drinking over time cause problems for the baby's development? Could the baby start to feel addicted to alcohol? (I don't think so, but ask how much alcohol is passed through breastmilk. I think it depends on how soon she breastfeeds after drinking). Ask what effects drinking larger quantities can have on the baby's neurological development as well as his physical development (is he getting all the nutrition he needs???). If the pedicatrican doesn't have the answers, call the hospital where he was born and ask to talk to the lactation specialists there; often times they are nurses and they may either know or will be able to get the answers. Get the facts though and share them with your wife.
You can then make a decision on the boundary you insist upon... either she quits drinking or quits breastfeeding... or you may have to report this to the pediatrician or department of social services... this may be abuse and neglect on her part. Tell her you only want the best for the baby -- as she does... and that this drinking has put you up against a wall --you love her but you have to draw the line when it comes to the baby's wellbeing... and... safety...
Secondly, if I were you and I thought my spouse was drinking and driving, I would TAKE THE KEYS... and never, ever, ever let him drive our baby in the car... do whatever you have to do to prevent that. I'm sorry -- but allowing that to go on is neglience on your part. You can control that: take the keys and take the baby. This is serious!!!!
You can also call the cops and tell them she is driving impaired-- give them her car make, tag number.... sometimes the shock of calling in the authorities helps to wake someone up -- however briefly. You don't have to say it's your wife...you could say you observed some woman impaired getting into a car and driving... they take it very seriously. I know it's hard to do; I've called 911 twice on my husband... you have to do the right thing. If you know she's drinking and driving, you have a responsibility to your children and her but also to the innocent people in your community she could injure (or worse) with her impaired driving.
I don't mean to scare you -- but this is YOUR baby and your young son and they depend on YOU to protect them ...even if it's from their mother's alcohol abuse and her poor judgement. You are a sensitive person and you'll never forgive yourself if you leave things to chance w/ your wife's drinking and something terrible happens.
Thirdly, take care of you... by getting enough sleep, eating right, talking to alanon friends at meetings, get phone numbers from alanon members and call them, go to meetings, tell a confidante your situation and make a plan -- in case you need someone safe to help you out w/ the kids or some safe place to go... and maybe consider counseling for yourself. It sounds like you are carrying an awfully heavy burden... maybe a counselor can help you develop the confidence to talk directly to your wife -- face to face and set those boundaries for you and for your boys. Boundaries are a great way of taking care of yourself and empowering yourself and not the disease.
I wish you peace and pray you will have the courage and strength to advocate for yourself and your sons' safety. hugs, Lee Ann
I have too strong of opinions when it comes to children and topics like this so I will just stay quiet on this one. So I will just send prayers your way and hope you do the right thing whatever that may be to protect those precious children. ((((HUGS))))
I too agree u are not the reason she drinks ,regardless of what she may say ,your simply not tht powerful if you were u would be able to make her stop. The letter tho touching is a also a lecture and it will not work. Alcoholics have very short attentions spans especially when trying to discuss thier * problem* I hope u can find a day time Al-Anon meeting for yourself your now sitting on the other side of the fence of alcoholism. Trusting that she will not drink because of the new baby is a bigggg xpectation on your part and am afraid u will be dissapointed . The saftey of your children must come first , if u feel they are in danger you will have to do something to protect them . Alcoholics need enablers to continue the lifestyle and until we stop protecting them absolutley nothing will change . Do what u ahve to do to keep your children safe . Louise
I'm with Friend on this one. Please just protect those kids, esp the nursing baby, please. If you allow her to continue, she can be doing irrepairable damage as we speak. I breastfed both my sons, still am the little one. I believe alcohol goes directly through to the baby. Small amounts can help milk let down, etc. Large amounts can be very toxic. The pediatrition should be told immediately.
OK, I'm not with Friend. I had to speak. Alanons only give direct advice when there is eminent harm being done. I believe this qualifies.
P.S. Jas, WELCOME!! You are in the right place. We are here for you.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Hi there and welcome. I see this letter as a first step onto the hard road of reality. I totally understand your sentiments about being afraid to confront the demon because of the retalliation you may get in return. I have been down this road and it's not an easy path. I have to agree about protecting the kids. I left my A and took the kids and I never really realized what damage I had done by staying until I had been away from it for a long time. I would also caution you not to say anything you don't mean. IE threats of leaving if you don't really intend to follow through. I would be surprised if the letter had the impact that you are hoping for although it is a great letter and I'm sure you feel much better getting it out of you, I know that always helps me. I have many letters to my A lying around that have never been mailed. In my experience, A's have an unbelievable amount of denial, minimization and just plain self absorption! This is what keeps them from taking letters like this seriously. On a side note I too have let my A drive impaired with the kids in the car and I feel very lucky that nothing ever happened. Even when he was high on heroin and got into an accident with me in the car 8 mos. prego (car was totaled) he still never attributed it to the heroin. It couldn't have been that...It would have happened anyway...etc. All you can do is do for yourself and your kids and set boundaries that protect you and them. You can't make her do anything, guilt her into changing or stopping, it has to be her who wants to stop. I know for a long time I thought he just didn't love me, I know he does and I love him I just can't live that way anymore. Finding a local face to face meeting will help you be able to have others who have been in this situation to talk to, people who truly understand what you're going through. Thanks for sharing!
Hi.... I'm going to go against the "advice giving" no-no that I often chastise others for, but couldn't help myself....
Please understand that by getting your baby OFF breast feeding and onto formula, it will provide safety for your baby, and has NO influence, one way or the other, on your A's drinking. She will either drink or she won't.... That is somewhat irrelevant here. You have the ability to implement/impose a change here for the safety and health of your baby. I would strongly encourage you to do so immediately.
The other stuff is other stuff.
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I read this letter with much concern and compassion for you.
I have even more concern for your children and the baby who is breast fed from an alcoholic.
Without breaking my anonimity, my degree is in the care of babies and small children and it is a very serious matter indeed to do what your wife is doing.
Children, especially small children, do not have a voice to speak for them, make good choices for themselves, they rely on the adults in their life that care for them.
Sadly, your wife is right now too ill to take on her role of protector of her babies and children, and is instead the one taking on the role of harming them.
You, as the healthy adult in this situation MUST take measured to protect YOUR chidlren!
This is one time where the Alanon message of "take care of YOU" must be extended to your children.
Your best bet is to speak to your babies doctor who is overseeing his specialized care and TELL HIM about the drinking!!! He will know how best to proceed to protect the infant from furhter harm.
Please consider the following, if your doctor somehow suspects that your wife is drinking and breastfeeding, for instance smelling it on her breath and through some sort of testing detects the the by-products of alcohol metabolism in your infants body (obtained through breast feeding) he may contact the authorities and YOU may lose custody of your child.
Since you know that your wife is harming your infant daily, who is already ill and struggling for life as it is (difficulty feeding is a serious condition in an infant who doubles their growth in the first year and who NEEDS large amounts of nutrition for healthy brain growth) and you have done nothing to protect your child, you are also placing your infant in harm's way.
I know my words may sound harsh, but not as harsh as Chidren's Services may be if it comes down to that, and it may.
The alcoholics in my life think they are hiding it well and no one knows...but they are transparant to me, not to mention their smell that they never seem to notice. Since I have lived with alcoholism, I know the symptoms like the back of my hand, and and can spot them a mile away. If your babies doctor has been in close contact with alcoholics, they may suspect also.
I have much compassion for you, but have to tell you also that you need to stop thinking of your wife and start thinking of your CHILDREN!!! Your wife has made her choice, to not seek help, but your children have not made such a choice, they are helpless, depending on YOU to help them. That is why Children's Services was created, for parents too sick to do their job.
Please don't be one of those parents! Too sick to take on their normal role of protecting their child from ALL who try to hurt it.
I disagree with people who say that your wife probably won't read the letter. most people here are dealing with alcoholic males and studies have shown that woman's brains are more geared for language than women. Most women don't mind a long letter, but most men hate them. Of course there are exceptions, I am speaking here of generalities and statistics.
I think your wife WILL read the letter, she may feel a little guilt, but it won't go very far. She is too accustomed to you begging and pleading, but doing NOTHING so she thinks she has you in the palm of her hand. If drinking and nursing has not set you into ACTION she is probably comfortable in thinking she can get you to be a party to anything. She just has to put up with your mouth occasionally, but in reality you can't stop her.
She is right, if you are relying on letters.
I agree with the others however that she quite likely drank during her pregnancy, but hid it a lot better. A mom who drinks and nurses would have no qualms to drink while pregnant. Perhaps that is why your latest son was born with health issues? I too would suspect Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
Your wife has already quite likely done irreparable harm to YOUR children, how much more does she have to do before you see that and DO something?
I have spent my entire professional career caring for children and also advocating for children so I cannot read such a letter and not appeal for you to HELP YOUR CHILDREN!!! They are not an adult like your wife, they have not made a choice to pollute their bodies with alcohol and the by products of alcohol metabolism until they are constantly ill.
Now you say your infant son may be facing a dangerous and serious surgery because his doctor has no idea he is being nursed by a constant drunk!
Think carefully about this situation, surgery is always risky, what if your son is further harmed? How will you live with yourself? And if this ever comes out about the drinking and nursing, there is a real possiblity that both you and your wife will lose custody of your infant, since you are your wife's accomplice by your silence.
Please read the compassion in my honest concern. I have seem many people lose their children for much less.
I appreciate all the thoughtful responses. Of course I considered my wife drinking during pregnancy and anything is possible but very little about drinking gets by me. I have been in recovery myself for 9 years, 1 month and 10 days now after drinking from age 9 til age 30 (5 DUI's, 3 expulsions, dozens of arrests for everything from passing out in the street to assault & battery, countless blownup relationships, 7 totaled vehicles, 2 county jail terms, 4 detox admissions). When someone's been drinking, the hair on the back of my neck practically stands up. Could she have fooled me? Sure, anything's possible, but I'm not exactly new to this stuff.
Isn't it funny. I met her, cleaned up my act and I'm now ironically a lawyer and to all appearances we're doing great. But what no one knows is that 4 and 1/2 years into my sobriety, she developed this problem (after being layed off from a job).
My youngest son's problems (which with the other details of my life are uncommon enough to jeopardize my anonymity) are not a consequence of or generally associated with FAS and he shows no signs of FAS for a newborn. His problems could be indirectly related to my wife's failure to get herself back in shape after her first pregnancy. But I'm not about to lay that on her, lots of women don't manage that and though I feel her drinking directly impacted that conditioning dynamic, his problems are serious enough that I would not want to saddle her with that condemnation.
Yesterday I switched his early feeds to formula. She did not drink yesterday so he should be okay on breastmilk until I get home this afternoon. Unless I miss my guess, today will be a non-drinking day too. Two days ago when both she and the inlaw indulged, I employed some of what she's taught me about making our house an uncomfortable space. I'm bringing a big ole' tub of enfamil powder so if she and her mother (visiting and a chapter unto herself) want to ask what it's doing there...we'll have the dialogue tonight. Otherwise, her mother leaves tomorrow and the conversation happens thereafter.
I trimmed up the letter and tucked it away in my "Drafts" folder.
You may not be able to put any boundaries on your wife's drinking that she will stick to but you can put things in place so that your children are safe. The formula will provide the baby's nutritional needs and you can say if you are going to the races - then the children stay with me etc. As you know we cannot control the A's drinking but you do have a duty of care to the kids. Your words were very heartfelt and caring. Keep posting we are here for you. Luv Leo xxxr
