The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex sent me a text last night asking if I was alone and I wasn't so I sent one back saying no and then I shut off my phone. He sent one more that he misses me. I got that this morning and sent him one that said I miss him too. I do. I have been. So, he sends me another this afternoon asking to see me today at 6. I said 9 after the kids were in bed and he said he has a meeting with his sponser. I sent back saying ok to 6 and I got a sitter. I have no idea what this is all about. Yes, I miss him. Especially with all that has been happening. But, he is the one contacting me, asking to see me. What is this all about? What about his GF whom I believe he is living with. I am scared of my heartfelt reaction to his contact. I am scared because I feel so very vunerable at the moment. I don't feel strong. I feel so weak in knowing what I want and what is best for me. I am scared of getting hurt. I don't want to do this again. Trying to keep in the forefront of my mind what he has done (or not done) in the past few months alone not to mention all the other things over the past 13 years. Remembering that he is sick, mentally ill, and sponser or not he is still a drug addicted alcoholic and that will never change. He will always have this disease. I am scared of feeling the intense pain I have felt over these few months and I am scared that I am just distracting myself from the real tradgedy that has occured. I am still dealing with all the grief and anger from the death of my best friend's daughter.
On a happier side note: My mom and her BF are still in total depression with the whole situation. Plus, they have no animals anymore. Her 2 cats died this year and I took back my 2 dogs after her keeping them for me for a year. So, I had this idea that I would go to the pound and get her a mutt of her own. My animals have been so helpful in my healings. I kind of ran it by her in a joking way and she didn't scream at me and tell me it was an outragiously stupid idea. But, I kinda shelved it for now. I went to my meeting yesterday, it's an outdoor meeting on the Indian Reservation. During the meeting a mama dog came into the circle with her 2 pups who were trying so hard to nurse and she just kept walking and they were being dragged along (looked very painful!). She came right over to me and I was petting her and she was just a stray, dirty and skinny and scabby. She wouldn't leave me alone! She finally took off but one of the puppies was hiding under my back tire. In he goes to the car and I take him to my mom's expecting her to scream and yell and either NOT take him or take him and beat me up emotionally for the rest of my life. I deposit the dirty little mutt on her bed and tell her I am sorry, I will take him back and try to find his mother. Suprise of suprises she snuggles up with him and says we need to decide on a name! I respond with " What are you talking about!? We can't afford a dog and the responsibilies and he's so little what if he's sick and dies!? We cannot handle anymore tradgedies!!!" She looks at me and says " Why would you think he'll die? I like Leroy...." Who are you and what have you done with my bi*** of a mother? She just totally accepted this little love without any hesitation. She was making his appt at the vet when I called her this morning and his name is officially Wyatt. Man, pure motive and incredible end result. I did it solely out of love for my mom and a real desire to help her heal and somehow, it worked. For today anyway. When he is chewing up the sofa and eating her jewels I might hear about it. But till then, she has a positive focus.
I can only give you my esh. My a boyfriend calls and when he does he expects me to jump. If I don't jump he shuts me out. I jumped and jumped and jumped till I was totally emotionally and physically exhausted for years. I had an intense reaction when I separated from him in the spring. Now I am much more resigned to the fact he may well destroy himself. I know I did my best and I have a limit. I will no longer jump when he calls.
I also have my own ESH on the ambiguity and the sense of never knowing what is happening. That seems to be the way a's live. I dont' want to live like that anymore. I have had enough crises to last 10 lifetimes. The a I have been involved with can't be straight or offer a straight answer to anything. He is looking for anyone else to take care of it. He is responsible for nothing ever. Nothing.
I have pets and do understand they help to heal. I have tremendous guilt and regret I allowed the A to take care of our pets for a few months. They definitely suffered as a result.
I have only one of our dogs are present. I may have another in time. I have to turn that one over.
You have soooo many choices about what to do that for me it would take more than just a few hours to make a decision. My sponsor gave me a slogan years ago that I hold very close to me during decision time. He told me that if I had any questions about what the right thing to do about a situation I was confused about...especially with the alcoholic, I was to use, "When in doubt don't!! Of course that mean't don't make the decision right away and only after I had taken it to my HP, thought about it, talked about it with him and with others in the program and then if I made a decision it was to be with acceptance of the consequences of that choice and the awareness that I could never ever hold myself again to a bad decision. I love that slogan "When in doubt don't".
What was soooo important was that he actually walked that slogan in his life and I could practice how he did it. The icing on the cake was that his name was Don T. I just love how my HP works this stuff out for me.
If you go...take the program with you; all of it and all of us especially your HP.
(((((hugs)))))
By the way there is a very large difference twix a plain ole non-recoverying alcoholic and one with a program and the desire to work it first before working anything or anyone else first. One can help a person stay drunk and go insane and die in misery. The other can help another drunk achieve a life beyond their wildest dreams without having to use alcohol or any other drug.
Whatever you do, remember you are in Alanon, you have an HP to guide you or even shout at you if necessary (ask me how I know :D) and US of course. You are a strong lady, and yes we do seek ways out of our grief after tragedies, just keep it in mind.
All that glitters is not gold. Let us know how it goes!
There is a saying, supposedly Native American, when confronted with a decision that's hard to make, let the sun come up three times before you make your decision. If a decision feels "pushed" (unless life or death) then something is wrong, that's my experience anyway. Something is needing a little attention inside of me when I am "confused".
I'm glad Wyatt found a new home :) and will bring some comfort to your mom. Take care and keep in touch.
wow, so much stuff. I can't say anything about you inviting your A over. The last time I saw mine, something hit me and I gained acceptance. I realized I could love him and not be with him anymore. That was a big relief for me. I loved him so much. I know where you are with that. It's hard to refuse some good attention when you're missing it. I am over that now, I have enjoyed my time with him in jail and enjoy not having his chaos around. As for the puppy, guess that one was meant to be huh?
(((((serendipity)))) with the help of alanon and most of all workin the steps of the program i have learned its ok to allow myself to decide., to not decide.....yet (right away) if i feel unsure. if in doubt, i wait. hp/god will show the way and the decisions will come. the answers will appear without the feelings of fear. i always tell myself .. many times.. its ok to take care of me first. and it is "OK." if someone else is pressuring me or makin me feel unsure, i step back and let time take its bit...and let hp show me what i need to do... or what hp/god can do without my deciding right away. its such a relief to know i can turn it over to hp/god and let go for a while. time takes care of so much more, and hp/god, than i ever believed could be. and reality is, that is always happening... ticking and taking us onward.... moving us forward into the future. your in my thoughts, i pray you are feeling stronger and able to relax and let time be your friend. let hp/god help...take care of You.
take care of You.