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when i kicked him out of my home in december, he stood by his alcohol and told me he doesnt want to give it up... then 7 weeks later, when he realised i had finally actually given up on us, he decided to quit. after all these years of waiting for him to do it and stick to it, he finally does it when i have nothing left inside of me.Each time, i took him back and each time he failed at his attempt to stay sober. This time i didnt take him back, and he is going amazingly well. I told him hat he has to be sober a VERY long time, maybe even a year, before i even consider letting him back into my life as my partner. But i am feeling angry. I held on for so long with hopes that he would sober up. and when i finally accepted that he would be like that forever, he goes and changes on me. I know that he can slip at any point, and we could be right back where we started and thats why i am not getting back into it with him just yet or maybe never. I dont trust the addiction. But my dilemma is driving me NUTS... if i take him back and he slips, i will be exremely hurt, but if i dont get back together with him, and he stays sober and then offers himself as a sober man to his next girlfriend, i will feel even more hurt. ive put up with it for so long that it would be extremely unfair. I know this is crazy thinking, but thats how i feel...
Anger is part of our healing process. We love and support our A when they are drinking, we get hurt by it and all that comes with it. It's all about them! Then when they finally get sober, it's still all about them! We want to you yell and scream sometimes: "Hey remember me? What about me?" The anger passes, and we continue on with our recovery. As for your dilemma, I remember that. I kicked hubby out of the house early last year because I had had it with his drinking. I made the promise to myself, for myself that he would not be allowed back in until he had at least 90 days sobriety behind him. That all changed when he landed in ICU twice. There really was no one to take care of him. So I brought him home. I did what I had to do. Only you can make that decision. When I kicked him out I knew there was a chance that he might find someone. There will always be that chance. For all I knew when he got sober, he might not like who I was. It's a chance we take. There are no gurantees. You have to do what is best for you. That's what recovery is all about.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Congratulations on your awareness of your own feelings of anger.
I know it sounds weird, but it may be that that is actually progress. My hubby had been sober for not quite a year when suddenly, out of the blue sky, *I* went totally bananas. I think now that what was going on was, I finally felt safe enough to let some feelings out. I can't possibly get through and past them when I stuff them.
My suggestion would be, go to as many meetings as you possibly can, and try as many alanon tools as you can, to figure out which ones work for you. Meetings are so grounding for me, and calming, and who knows what wisdom I may hear that I can apply to my own life. "One day at a time" (one half-minute at a time) helps me when my own emotions seem out of control. The Serenity Prayer helps me a lot in figuring out what I can actually do about a particular situation, and what I can't, or what isn't "my stuff" to do. I also really liked the booklet "living with sobriety" (little red booklet, about $3 at f2f), which talks about a lot of these surprising feelings that come up, whether we're living with the A or not - In fact I still keep it on top of the cabinet in the bathroom.
I was in a seven-year relationship with a partner with addiction issues (not Aism, but money and eating). I nagged, I pleaded, I begged. Then my partner broke-up with me, left, got herself together, got her addictions under control and found someone new. I was crushed and VERY ANGRY. All the waiting I had done, all the putting up with her imperfections, quite frankly, all of the suffering I had done at the hands of her disease. All of the years of discussion where she denied she had any of these problems or that they affected the relationship, and my thinking maybe the problem was really me. And she has the nerve to get better and move on when I was so faithful and loyal and steadfast? GRRR.
I had an experience in the last six months, that really brought home to me what happened for me in my relationship. I took a week-long housesitting job in a remote, woodsy area. During the day, I was completely fine, but each night I was scared out of my mind. Many nights, I lay in bed not able to sleep, imagining burglars entering the house or worse. This would go on for hours, and hours, until I would wake up in the morning bedraggled, tired, and unable to function. One night as I was laying there at 3 a.m. terrified and unable to sleep, it suddenly dawned on me that I was SUFFERING. And, it further dawned on me that rather than do ANYTHING to end my suffering (move out of the ground floor bedroom, bring a friend to stay with me, put on soothing music), I just lay and suffered, suffered, suffered. And, part of the reason I was suffering was because of my own distorted since of responsiblity: "Well, I can't move to the 2nd floor bedroom because they told me to sleep in the groundfloor bedroom;" "Well, I can't bring a friend, I might be breaking a rule," etc.
This night became the perfect metaphor for my relationship, where I just put up with and put up with and put up with suffering, unable to see any other options, unable to take care of myself, unable to do anything really but be frightened, anxious and worried, and obessed with my partner. I had made a committment to my relationship, damnit, and leaving was not an option.
What I realize now that I am mad about is that I didn't take care of myself, didn't meet my own needs, and basically abandoned myself during that relationship. At the time, the only two options I could see were staying or leaving the relationship. I didn't want to leave, so I stayed. But in that staying I never investigated if there were other options for HOW to stay. Never had a plan "B," never had leaving at least as an option.
In the months since that break up, the anger has come in waves. I have woken up in anger many, many, many mornings. Now that I am in Alanon, I have realized that my first step is to be gentle with myself. The second step was to validate my own anger--many of the things I was angry about--were things to get angry about. I am working slowly through my anger and figuring out ways to protect myself in the future.
I recently read that anger is a signal to figure out what my stance is, and I realized in the relationship I never took a stand to protect myself--I was always to busy protecting "the relationship" at my own expense. So, now, when I get angry, I ask myself, "What is my stance/stand"? It helps me see where my boundaries are.
O.k., I've written an epic, but I just wanted to say I FEEL you and feeling angry right now is healthy and normal.
I really don't have much advice. Just wanted to say you're not alone. My A has been sober twice, but each time he slips he hides it, so I never know when he is or isn't. I understand the anger. And the distrust of sobriety. I won't let mine back in probably for months, but I don't know how I will tell when, or if, it's safe again, to trust him.
I am trying not to think about it too much at this point. I have plenty of time to make this decision. And things tend to change as we progress in our recovery.
I have noticed that things seem to be real foggy for awhile then suddenly clear and you just know what to do.
Just keep coming back. This board is a lifesaver for me.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Boy was I angry too . . . a simmering anger that seemed to be always there percolating long in the back of my head.
I'm with everyone else here in that our anger is for a good reason, but not always the reason we think. BlueCloud said it so perfectly for ME anyway, the anger at my A was for all of the abuse, lies, insensitivity . . . and right along with it was the anger at myself for just putting up with it, gritting my teeth through it, and all the while abandoning myself.
Beware of your "ifs" type thinking . . . stay in the present moment and avoid borrowing trouble. He's surprised you by being 100 days sober already. Worrying about whether he'll relapse or get better and find someone else are possibilities only, not realities and not worthy of your precious mental energy. They are a waste of it. I'm a great "trouble borrower" too.
A's do very angering things, bottom line. But what do we do for ourselves to make our lives better? This is where I'm trying to stay for myself right now.
Thanks for your share, it was so honest and I'm sure lots of folks here are nodding their heads like mad over it :) . Take care of you, Arty! Kim
An epic story indeed, and exactly what I have been struggling with. You have said it perfectly.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Hello Arty no your not crazy , just feels that way at the moment. I assume your not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself yet please reconsider and start as soon as possible for your sake . You too need to recover from this disease ,the alcoholic is not the only one who has to make changes , we all change or it just dosent seem to work . Your anger I understand but going to meetings will help u take care of that as u begin to understand this disease a lttle better , forget what u think you know about alcoholism and go with an open mind . Keeping the focus on yourself is damn hard work but well worth the effort . There are no guarantees that he won't drink again , no guarantees that a relationship survives sobriety but there is hope , always hope and with both of you in recovery you have a better chance. goodluck
Resentment is such a hard one. I can be so mired in resentment at the A. When I switch up to taking care of me a lot of the resentments slip away. Then I come up against huge barricades. I simply cannot hear another one consonant from the A about poor me. I do have great compassion but his poor me is part of his disease.
You are entitled to limits. You are entitled to your fears, you are even entitled to crazy thinking. I would not say it is crazy to be angry at an A. Its what we do with the anger that counts. Sometimes my anger is the only thing that gets me up in the morning. When my anger was turned inwards in a depression I could barely move, I was immobile.
I know why I felt that way. I was jealouse that someone else got her sober and different. I was afraid that she would love the program and the people in it more than me. I was angry that I no longer had her drinking to blame for the problems I was having in my life. I was angry that there was no one there to love and support me or return all the "love" I thought I was giving to her. I was pissed because things were now changed and I had no clue as to what to do without a drunk in my life. I was resentful because she learned to listen to and trust recovery people and not me so one night when she came back from an AA meeting she asked me a very important question that I knew I had the answer for. She asked me, "Do you think I am an alcoholic?" and I in all of my pain, confusion, hatred, anger, resentment, lonliness and no self esteem said the only smart thing I should have never come up with, (I was NOT in Al-Anon at this time.) "No I don't think you are an alcoholic" and she relapsed that very day. She would continue to drink and get worse for the next 6 to 7 years and neither of us had a snowballs hope in hell without our programs.
I was sooooo angry. If I were to repeat suggestions they would be "thinkstomuch"'s cause that is what worked for me.
You just told my story!!!! I know what you are going through and I mean I really know!!! I knw that this may be hard to hear but 100 days is really not all that long. I once was at that mark with my A. We have been married 6 years but with all the separations we have only been together half of that time. I have lost count of the times that he went through rehab only to use again after a short time. This last time however he went and "I" found a boyfriend for a few months. To make a long story short, my A just passed his year mark of sobriety and are now working on finding a new home together. there is so much in that first year that they go through and learn. They really need that time to work on just them. If their sobriety is their top foucus, then they will not have time or energy to find another relationship. I woke up one day and found that he had come so far in his recovery and me...Well I had done nothing other than have a affair and totally mess myself up so now I am working on me. I have a lot of catching up to do. You seem to be doing what you need to do. Don't stop and don't get caught up with the "what-if's". If your relationship is good and is going to make it than some time apart is not going to hurt you. Good luck and I wish you the best.
This was one of my original fears. that he would get better and I'd miss it after all the hell he's put me thru. I guess this is pretty common. Now I think that I wouldn't care, but who knows, I haven't gotten to that bridge yet much less crossed it. I got to the point where I believed that he will never get better and even if he appears better he'll screw up. Pretty cynnical I know but whatever it takes to get on with it right? I think now that so many of his behaviors that I have not been surrounded by for the past year are so completely annoying to me that I might not want him back even if he was better! I think just sitting back and watching is the best thing you can do. That's what's worked for me.
We want to you yell and scream sometimes: "Hey remember me? What about me?" 
