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First let me say thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you. I wonder if someone can comment on this...or if anyone has ever had this problem? I seem to be obsessed with death. As if it's the ONLY outcome for my son that there will ever be. I have buried him over and over again in my mind and really believe this fear is what made me enable him for so, so long. I told you the story of not letting him stay here on Thursday night but said it was okay that he left his bags of clothing in my shed in the back yard. On Friday my Husband and I went camping until tonight. On the way home I was thinking that I couldn't wait to run to that shed and find his clothes gone. Because that would mean he found a place to live. It's the first thing I did. When I opened the door, his belongings are still there. And of course the first thing that came to my mind was that he's dead. Why else would his clothes be here? If he's alive he'd need his clothes..wouldn't he? I've done this for so long and so many times. I practically hold my breath until I hear from him again. I can't SAVE him from anything and I know that. I've learned all these tricks to 'focus on myself' and stop the insanity. But today it has reared its ugly head and I can't stop crying. Thank you again, my friends ~sonja
Hi (((((sonja))))) Yep - I'm with you on this one. When the A left, he moved back to his house only a few miles down the road. He would stop over here or call several times a day, which made me uncomfortable. There was a period when I didn't hear from him for two days, and instead of being relieved that he wasn't bugging me, I found myself worrying that he was dead - car crash, pissed somebody off, got drunk and fell...you name it. I think that's fallout from the war we're dealing with. Unhappy when they're around (if they're drinking), but anxious and worried when they're not. I'm finally in the process of cutting ties with him, and look forward to the day when I will not be wondering and worrying about his fate. It's always been up to him anyway. Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
I can't say what it feels like from the point of view as a mother as my children are still young. But I do know that feeling all too well concerning my brother. I have no words of wisdom, just lots of hugs {{{{{sonja}}}}}!!! And know you are not alone.
I had a wake up call from your post. My mother probably thinks like this with my brother and that's why she lets him stay there. She would rather be driven crazy then to have what you're feeling. I am so sorry that your son is hurting you so much. I couldn't imagine and I can only pray that my son doesn't do this to me. There is nothing I can do and my son is seven. I parent the best that I can and inform him but you know how life can get. Could you do an intervention with your son? Sad thing is....sometimes they do end up dead like my best friend and a few other friends that I've had. Sometimes nothing you do can stop that part of life. If you believe in your HP just pray for him as much as you can. Again, I am so sorry sweetheart. I hear your pain in your voice and it breaks my heart. ((((((LOVE and HUGS)))))))
It is such a horrible feeling. I know it all too well. If you can get to f2f meetings now it would help you. I tell myself whatever is going to happen is going to happen. It is God's plan...not mine. I have absolutely no control what does happen. I do, however, have control over how I handle certain situations. I picture him in his HP's arms being protected by Him. He is the only one that has control over him.
Like you, I obsess. Through this program I am getting much better. Last night I had a phone call from my A son while I was not home. My old self would have wanted to call him right back to see if something was wrong. I didn't and that is a very huge step for me.
I hope you can find some peace around all this worrying.
Thank you Gail, For your kind thoughts and words. You know...I have my f2f meetings and a sponsor and at times I do SO well. And then at times like this I relapse and get as sick as the A is. Tonight I'm going to an out-of-town meeting as there's only one a week where I live. I HATE this obsession that I have but I know only I can change it. I hope to be able to help all of you some day when I'm feeling better and have more ES&H to share.
It's crazy sometimes, isn't it Marion? A friend of mine has told me that my son is killing himself everyday with his using. I know that, but my heart cries. And I pray that he's alright today.
FOY, You're probably right in what you said about your mom and brother. For a long, long time I let my son run roughshod over me because I thought I could save him (in the literal sense). Even though I'm doing, right now, what I know is the right thing....it hurts like He**!
I can relate to this in a way I wish I couldn't. When my daughter was using we set conditions on her being at our house. She couldn't. She could however pee for me and if she tested neg. it meant at least 3 days without using, she could sleep there if she wanted. She lived in her car and I knew that she was going to die. I didn't sleep or function on any level. I obsessed about knowing where she was all the time. I let her have a cell phone so that she could communicate with me. I ended paying many thousands of $$ in cell phone bills for the luxury of knowing she was alive. I would find her and give her food - not likely it got eaten most of the time but I'm a mother. I would get calls at all hours of the day & night when she was in trouble. I wouldn't give her money but I did put gas in her car so that she could run it and not freeze to death at night. I remember going one morning before work and standing on the side of the road in the middle of downtown in this small little town we live in putting gas in her tank. She got out of the car and proceeded to change her clothes right there on the sidewalk. I could not phathom an addiction removing every ounce of self respect from a person but I was wrong.
I did do an intervention, the end result was that two 19 year old girls stopped using. One actually went to rehab and is doing marvelously, mine unfortunately is floundering but still pees clean. I've lost sight of how much that matters recently as she is an abusive bully and I'm not so sure how much I care anymore.
I don't know a more horrible feeling, the long cold nights were the worst for me and I'd wait to hear something but then be pissed when I did. About a week after the intervention her girlfriend, whom I included, went to rehab and my daughter kept on doing whatever she did. She called one night at 1 a.m. It was about 16 degrees out and she was stuck, broke down on a major highway. I think I made my first attempt at that moment to apply some tough love. I hung up on her and shut the ringers off on all the phones. I answered her call about 1 p.m. the next day and she was a mess. I hired a tow truck, brought her car home and had my husband take the wheels off and lock them in the garage. She had a choice to stay home and get clean or leave without her "home". It was an ugly day, but she slept for about the next three and she hasn't been using ever since. I don't obsess with her death any longer. I do obsess with mine though.
I don't think there's any way to not worry some but I'm going to learn how to stop living in her addiction and the drama that is her life. If she chooses to find a program or go back to the mental health clinic it's possible some day we can have a relationship. I can't until she recovers from her addictions, and her addictions include the people and the drama. It all has to go.
