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I love my boyfriend so very much, but sometimes I get so resentful that I say hurtful things, almost unintentionally. Its like all day I'm thinking about what I can do to make him better, to make him want to be sober... then, I jab out of nowhere. I feel like I hurt so much that its not fair that he gets to numb his pain, that he feels so justified in his anger. I've been trying so hard to not get involved, to not try and control him... but its not real. Underneath it all, I think that if I try hard enough to let go,my carefree attitude will MAKE HIM want to quit. It all leads back to how I can control the situation, how I can manipulate life to my favor, to my own desired ends.
I've been there. It takes a lot of fortitude to say what you said in this post. It is a stepping stone for progress~~progress of YOUR life. The cunning, baffling disease of alcoholism was a big black hole for me. My mind told me to try and grasp some form of control, some fix so that she would love me and heal "us" instead of keeping the vicious cycle in place. Totally frustrated, angry, depressed, and even saw myself as "inadequate" for not being able to stem the tide. It took learning how to detach and letting go of the anger/resentment to pull myself out of that black hole. With the care, love, and tools given by my Family Group, I started my journey back and BEYOND to a much happier, serene existance. You have my prayers and warm wishes, ~~Take care of you~~ with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Been there as well! I used to act all crazy. It's soooo frusterating. I used to do alot of threatening thinking if i told him I'm leaving that he would change. I used to call him every name is the book. I felt the same way. "its not fair that I'm in this much pain while he just goes ahead it and drinks. With the support of alanon (I'm fairly new) I have FINALLY, after so many years learned that there is nothing you can do for him but let go. Detach. It's the hardest thing to do but until you do things will not get better. Don't get me wrong, there are STILL times that I want to just scream and tell him off BUT I take a step back, take a deep breath and think about it. "wait a minute, this his choice not mine. I"m not going back to the same crap. I'm finally feeling better about myself and nothing he does is going to bring me down."
I strongly relate to wanting to hurt my A. When my A was still in the home, it was a daily thing, almost, the anger inside me was intense (and exhausting!), and I found myself holding my tongue A LOT. And letting it loose and blasting him, which never made me feel any better. In fact, I just stopped "behaving angrily" with him period, with a few slip ups here and there (we do our best, that's OK) and that in itself provided peace for me, no matter what he was doing. And he was doing just about everything.
It was a deep seated dynamic in our relationship. We were both so angry with each other that it was habitual, and miserable. When I held my tongue I felt better, period.
There's a slogan: Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. Think on that one. It saves your peace of mind every time.
Why you want to hurt him is obvious to me anyway. I thought it would wake him up, I thought it would "show" him how unhappy I was, and maybe he'd get the wake up call. Truth was, I needed to tell MYSELF how unhappy I was, how hurt I was, and then take action to help myself by getting very involved in this program with meetings and this board and listening to the "old timers". They are where I want to be, so I do what they say. My own best efforts (nagging, threatening, "losing it", etc) only made ME miserable.
We all relate with this one. But it is a black hole like CJ said. Stay back from the edge! And keep coming back here where you are safe and understood and loved :) Kim
Welcome and great post! You sound very honest with yourself and self aware of the ways you are reacting to him and seeing that it doesn't feel good for you. I was in a very similar sounding place with my Abf when I came here 10 months ago. The Experience, Strength and Hope that I got here, as well as it being a place for me to hear my own truth spoken (because it wasn't goingto be heard with him), all led me to a much healthier place. What a journey...and I know I am just at the start. I used to think about helping him too, then I realized how much help I needed!
Keep coming back, take what you like and leave the rest, and keep taking care of you.
With love, Fifi
PS I agree with those that mention detaching as a way to move away from the place that you get to when you want to hurt him....takes work but it is possible and it feels so good when you can manage to just let it go.
Well Rozes the only life you can manipulate in your favor is your own . You cannot make him stop , your simply not that powerful , your anger is normal because you have no control in this situation . Shaming him only makes u feel bad , start treating him with respect and You will feel much better. Hate the disease , love the man . Louise
Lashing out is just one way normal people react with anger and the easier the target the harder it is to hold back. Alcoholics are such easy targets and then I found out in recovery that some of the anger I visited on my alcoholic was really misplaced and misdirected. I would get angry at her and lash out (blame, shout, hit, threaten etc.) at her for stuff that she had nothing to do with. Got that one from the 4th step process. I lashed out and blamed my alcoholic from resentments I carried before my alcoholic was even invented. I got to slim down the list of things I was angry about with her and it ended up that I was much more angry at the disease and my lack of control over how it operated (not fullfilling my will and expectations and pointing the finger back at myself for consciously choosing the alcoholic to have a lasting relationship with) than I was of the woman who's life hung in the balance. I was angry...when I get angry without this program I rage. When I rage I hate....everything and everyone including myself. When I hate myself I go into depression and when I go into depression I am near insanity and death. (my experience).
I found out also that it is most easily to get angry at someone who loves me than someone not that tolerant of my tantrums. The alcoholic loved me. She kept coming back. She was even forgiving of my outbursts however I expressed them and since she kept coming back I got to rely on the fact that she would. If she didn't love me she would have stayed away and/or had me arrested or incarcerated in a ward. She of course did the same to me. I kept coming back. I forgave her. I put up with all the alcohol insanity. I taught her that she could rely on me to always be there for her...regardless of the consequences; good, bad or different. People who love sometimes love unfairly especially in the disease of alcoholism. People who love fairly, love themselves as they would like to be loved and keep themselves free of harm and doing harm to others. I found that all out in the Al-Anon Family Groups and sitting one day at a time after one day at a time within face to face meetings listening to truely remarkable members.
There are some awesome face to face meetings and members in your neighborhood. You are not alone and don't have to suffer at the hands of alcoholism.
My ESH is that my anger was a red flag I could do no more. I did n't know how to manage that. Now I say I am at my limit. I exceeded any kind of sane limit years ago of course. I just kept tryinng. Now I don't.
I do not feel bad about being angry. I also don't necessarily feel abad about blasting him He needed to know I did not want to help 24/7.
I do ask for help these days when I am worn to the brink. Do you?
