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Ok so not even a week since the last incident with my AH husband, he drank again last night.(He had said he was quitting!! Blah Blah blah! But I'm Ok with that. I didn't get upset, Just told him That I'm not stupid (He tried to cover it with gum) You don't have to hide it. Than I went back to bed. NO arguing! I've learned to just keep my mouth shut when it come sto his drinking. There is ONLY one problem. I have to work today and he will be home with the kids. Being that I'm coming home early I'm not worried. He won't be drinking. BUT he wants to take the kids fishing and had already mentioned to me in front of the kids. SO of course now if I tell him I don't want him driving with the kids, the kids will be mad at me. I know he won't be drinking but it's just the point. He did last week with my youngest daughter and I was soooo Upset. He chose alcohol before his daughter and now has to deal with the consquences right? so now why is it so hard for me to tell him NO WAY!!? He;ll just come back and say that he won't be drinking, etc. Do I have the right? Doesn't mean he's going to listen. He is there Father!! Should I just tell him to wait for me and I'll go with them when I get home? Or maybe just be honest and say "look I don't feel comfortable you driving the kids around and I would rather you just stick around at home until I get there?? GRRRRR!! I don't know! Any suggestions??
Yeah one suggestion, You don't gamble with a childs life.....And that is what would be happening....
Look at the stats on drunk drivers....Is it worth it????
I understand you don't want your kids to be angry with you...But WHAT if he had an accident and you had no kids be angry at you.... You cannot trust an alcoholic to tell you they WONT drink....Even as much as you want to...
Im not being nasty....This is one thing that I really hate...Kids are kids, and in that sense they are NOT responsible for the outcome of others defects...
The choice is yours at the end of the day..I know what I would do..
THANKS ALLY, WELL THIS MORNING BEFORE I LEFT FOR WORK I LEFT A NOTE ON THE COUNTER FOR HIM. (EVERYONE WAS STILL SLEEPING) TELLING HIM THAT I WOULD PREFER HIM NOT TAKING THE KIDS. I TOLD HIM THAT HE HAD CHOSEN ALCOHOL BEFORE HIS DAUGHTER LAST WEEK AND IN RESULT TO THAT, I CAN'T TRUST HIM TAKING THE KIDS OUT ALONE ANYMORE. I TOLD HIM I HAVE TO BE THE RESPONSIBLE PARENT! AND LEFT IT WITH "HOPE YOU RESPECT MY DECISION" SO WE WILL SEE......TO BE CONTINUED :)
Good choice! I don't have kids, but I'll bet they get mad at you for most decisions you make in their best interest. If he wants to be their buddy, that's his decision, but you have decided to be the parent first. Good for you!
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Ok so I'm still at work...recieved a phone call from my husband. He read the note I left him. Was not happy. Not surprised. He tried to make me feel bad DIDN'T WORK! I just told him that he had made the choice to drive once with my daughter and that it wouldn't happen again. I put my foot down!! Woo hoo! He sat there it was like your a different person, you and the kids are never home, you never let me know what is going on, etc. He feels that i'm playing games. I made him understand that this is not a game. This is ME! You choose to drink and i choose to make a better and healthier life for myself and our children. He says "so what we are living seperate lives?" My response to that was " I guess so. Until you can recognize that you DO have a problem and get help for your self then yes we will be living seperate lives. I choose to live my life differently. Taking care of me FOR ONCE!!!
I got a phone call back about a half hour later saying that he respects my decision and will not drive with the kids in the car!! I just couldn't believe it!!
Remember you never have to discuss this with him again. Many times, an active alcoholic will be agreeable but tomorrow he could change his "mind", even later today.
You've already stated your piece. Sometimes they 'pretend' they don't understand, just remember beneath the arguments to come (over anything else) your A is not really arguing for the sake of making a point, he is sick. When the baby wants to go in the road, it's cut and dried, and so it is with any danger to a child.
As you get more "well" and happy with yourself, and make clear headed decisions, set boundaries against his alcoholic behaviors, not only are you making YOUR life (and the kids') more stable and ultimately peaceful, you are providing him an OPPORTUNITY to change himself. He may not take it, he may act out worse than ever, but you are still LOVING him the way he needs to be loved right now.
Gosh girl, you are doing great!!! And I'm glad to see you here using the forum!! Keep up the good work and stay strong :) Kim
Hey if your kids are mad at you, that means you are doing a good job!
I always say the same thing,would you leave your children with an A friend or A babysitter?
He is using, he already went over the boundary and drank and drive. So of course you don't trust him. You are right not to.
I am a very strong advocate of children. I believe they need/want to be protected. How will you feel later if you allowed him to drive with them and they got hurt or worse?
I mean years later too,when they ask you, "Why didn't you protect us?"
I watched my kids like a hawk. The first time my husband drove drunk with ,I filed for divorce. I loved him madly too. He ended up dead a week later,primary problem, alcoholism. 27 years old.
So proud of you! For trusting yourself, for protecting your children who cannot protect themselves, for thinking through your choices, for stating what you needed simply to him, for having boundaries and expressingthem, for choosing your own life and living it differently. It is possible!
The times I left my children with my Abf still make me shudder even tho the last time was 10 months ago! I can't believe I compromised their safety because I chose to be involved with the sickness and allow it for some crazy and "normalizing" reason.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other.....it really is one day/one crisis at a time when they are still using......so glad you are here.
I read your post and the responses with interest as I am in the same boat. I do ALL the driving of kids and they know why from their own observations. If we go anywhere as a family in the evening, even the functioning AH now accepts I will drive the family while he passes out - sickening!
My young teens I've decided could even be told when I am gone, not to ride anywhere with him as back up to my boundary with AH. I rarely leave them though where this a problem. Most of my kids have told me they are glad I drive. I used to want his help with the driving, more participation with the parenting but now I won't let him - I hate that he took the low road to get his way.
I was going to a ticketed event tonight - no refunds & no exchanges but when I called to enquire about policy for being sick they let me put my money in account for future tickets. I was sick about leaving the younger ones here too long - I am grateful for this way to change my plans.
Just wanted you to know that I agree about how difficult it is to make all the decisions related to kids safety but yet still not save the A from hitting bottom. It's like my brain muscle hurts from flexing on all this sometimes.
hugs from ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I'm so proud of you for not getting upset... that anger is POISON!!! I agree with perspective that SAFETY is the priority. The kids may be mad, but not dead.
As for a suggestion, honest-open-authentic communication. If possible, when he is sober, have a kind, "matter of fact" conversation about what is acceptable behavior ~~ make clear that boundary (if that is what you choose it to be): "Please, do not put our children's life at risk. If you drink, which is your choice, then so be it. Being the best mom I can be, I cannot allow the effects of drinking and driving, even the morning after, risk the kids' safety." Along those lines, he should be made aware of the consequence of breaking that boundary. That is totally for you to decide, but boundaries don't work without accountability. It would be great if our A's would follow through on their promises (especially those to children) and that means not doing the things that would jeapordize that promise... but the disease is too strong. Expectation of an Alcoholic to follow through is INSANE! then... it would be only fair and just to have him explain to the kids why he can't follow through... "Gee, kids, I wanted to take you fishing, but I really needed to hit the bottle last night." Alas, living with the effects of Active Addiction has not, nor ever will be (in my opinion) Fair and/or Just.
It shows great courage to do what is right, rather than what is easy. It is great to see you here, fighting for your happiness and serenity, and doing what is right. Be strong and take care of you and yours!
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
