The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is on quite a bender. He isn't working on our business, not bathing, not doing much of anything but drinking. His physical health is suffering. By this point in the past I would have blown up at him and we would have it out. He would make all the promises and quickly break them.
This time I made a conscious decision to follow through with detaching all the way. I am holding my tongue praying he truly meets his bottom. Every morning, however, I awaken with an overwhelming desire to tell him that I have a bottom too, that I won't live with this forever, that I have started looking for a new job so I can have financial stability so I have the option of separating.
I have never gone this long without interupting his drinking, it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. My insides are on fire and I have no influence over his self-destructive behavior. I don't believe he will ever get sober and the thought of living with this the rest of my life is sickening. We have a beautiful 7-year old daughter who loves him and would be crushed and forever changed if she couldn't have him in her home. I guess I am not quite ready to face the possibility myself.
I have been working like a dog to expend this energy that is inside of me. Dear God, please help me to hold fast and keep my mouth shut. I am tired of empty promises and fruitless arguments.
I know how hard this is for you. Let me point out a few things you are doing to help yourself. First, you're not trying to control his drinking. Such a big step, and so hard to do, but you're doing it. What a change from before, right? Second, you are using some of your energy to come up with "Plan B" - looking for a new job so that your future and the future of your daughter is more secure. You should be proud of yourself looking at just those two accomplishments. I'm sure if you stop and think, there are probably a lot more things that have improved because of your focus on your own recovery. Take a deep breath - yer doin' good!!! One day at a time!!! Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
You're doing great! Remember, too, you don't have to use willpower to "keep your mouth shut". In fact, while you've decided to not say anything to your husband, you have many other options to get things off your chest including:
a) posting here b) journaling c) calling your sponsor or other Alanon member d) crying in the shower or going to an empty field to let out some big screams
I have had to learn for myself that the Alanon program is about learning ways to express myself that help me get better, not simply about white-knuckling it through a situation. I encourage you to express your feelings and I think you'll find that it will give you some relief, and open up even more energy to work on your plan "B".
It is very tough to allow another person to be in control of their own life. I fought this battle with my adult son, and now with my wife.
When I feel I just have to jump in and save them from themselves... I have to remember that they have a HP too.... and it's not me!
They didn't stop me from spirialing out of control, didn't keep me pointed away from self-destructive behaviors and thoughts.... and I ended up here! I can't thank them enough!
Be gentle with yourself today. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
When I just let go of trying to "fix" my A's problems (lecturing, emotional ultimatums, screaming in rage at him :D , you know) it had a funny effect on me . . . I had PEACE. Moments of it, small stretches of time, sometimes bigger stretches.
It allowed room to hear my HP "speaking" to me, and I began to speak back.
You may feel a "weak" moment but here you are sharing with us.
I applaud your plan B. You do not "sound" weak at all. Perhaps tired. Remember you are being held up by hands stronger than any one's alcoholism.
Good for you, in your post was MUCH hope and strength and sanity. Take care :) Kim
Oh I am so sad he is feeling so bad. That is a very late stage aism symptom.
My husband was really a tidy, clean person. Then it got so I could smell him ten feet away. I would even tell him you better take a shower before I do all the wash. Or lets go to town after you shower...Was awful.
I am sure you have read the messages from ones who grew up in an A household. Have any said anything good about it? I would rather live in an A free home and see Daddy on certain days, supervised, than live with all that A behavior.
But sounds like you want to learn skills to live with the A. I sure did. However mine got very violent.
Detaching is great, but gritting your teeth and holding back will make you sick.
Detach from the disease, love the person. He is very sick, depressed and getting worse. This is just the beginning. So only you can make a home for you all.
He may never work again. If he does it may be sporatic and worthless.
I got busy and made sure I had the income coming in and everything protected so his disease could not take it.
We cannot trust them,depend on them, expect anything from them.For me I just loved him. I no longer got involved in his disease at all. Just was thankful his body was there.
My heart goes out to you, your daughter and A. Such a horrible disease to take apart your family.
Miracles can be attained here. Learn all the skills you can.
Do you honestly think this little girl doesn't know something is wrong? How is keeping him in the house filthy helping your daughter? Remember that you are the one that is teaching your daughter skills for when she has relationships. You are showing her that if she marries an A that she will have to bite her tongue and deal with it silently and gawd forbid she has a child with this man.....your grandchild would be in this mess. Do you really want to teach her this? It's up to you to show her how she should be treated. I have to agree with Debilyn on this one. Some children of alcoholics say they would rather be from a broken home then in one. God Bless and good luck.
Feeling weak for me is information from my body, mind, spirit and emotions that I need to stop doing what ever I am doing and go rest. Take a break into whatever is supportive for my serenity. I believe HP uses alcoholism and alcoholics to drive people back to HP. So go there and just rest and turn your alcoholic, as very best you can, over to your HP also.
When I practiced living in the moment and not in the past and/or the future the problem became more managable. "Yesterday is gone, Tomorrow may never arrive, all I have is now" is what I was taught in this program and when problems try to overwhelm me I get into the now and what I can do in the now. I only take in/on what is right in front of me rather than let fear drive me into the unknowns. You seem to be doing the detachment very well...Pat yourself on the back for that little piece of recovery. You are on the way and you know what the consequences are of your reaction. I was taught that it was a sign of my growing awareness of the disease and what doesn't work.
Might let your daughter teach you how to love unconditionally. Children know that better than an adult and so I went to the children to reteach me. I could be a real A/H during the disease and my children and step-children continued to love me anyway. When it came to loving the alcoholic? I went to the children and became the student.
Do your recovery because you need your recovery and not because you are only married to the alcoholic. You need this recovery because your attempts to manage the unmanagable have screwed your life up....and he is an alcoholic not....but he is an alcoholic.
I think an earlier suggestion was get a sponsor etc. That is what works along with get to as many face to face meetings as you can in the next 90 days, get as much literature as you can and read it all, get a sponsor, work the steps and do some service at a local Al-Anon meeting. I found out that there was nothing more magical and effective than getting off of my mountain of woes and helping others who were in the same or worse place (there always is worse) like sitting and listening without comment and making them coffee or handing them the tissue paper to dry their eyes. My problems used to get much smaller and at times go away for a while until HP and I decided along with my sponsors to start working on a reasonable and right solution...go figure!
In the end we or most of us know that you are in a bad place and that it is misdirected to judge and scold your process. You are doing the very best you know how with what you've got (BRAVO!!) and not a one of us, none, are perfect. We do not give advise if only for the reason that we don't know ourselves what to do in the crises and everything we did failed us and....we ended up here ourselves looking for help. We make suggestions based upon what was suggested to us, what we practiced as a result and how it worked out for the better. Blame, guilt and shaming are not acceptable tools to support another members efforts or motivation for change still that is all some can or will do and self justify.
You deserve serenity. You deserve love. You deserve to be here. Keep coming back. ((((((hugs))))))
Good for you! So proud of you - it is easier said than done and you are doing it. I hope you are proud of youself. I too had to learn detachment this summer while my A was on his bender. I completely let go of the situation and I felt great. It helped him as well as he got himself to treatment and his now working an amazing program. The hardest part is to watch the fall....he hit my level of discomfort long before he hit his own.
All the best to you - stay strong, keep writing, talking, praying and most of all keep on focusing on your own health!
