"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

sonja ja · Member

help...feeling guilty this morning

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Your son could be my husband only he's 40 so it must be a different guy. I have had this issue with my husband and he's in prison now. As I see it he has two choices, get clean or go to jail trying to support his habits. I really don't understand how a person could get to this point but I know it does happen because it has happened to my last 2 guys. I have felt this guilt too but I know in my heart that one day will lead to another and another and that's just the way it is. I guess it's the old give an inch and they'll take a mile saying. Thanks for your post!

sonja ja · Member

Thank you Carolinagirl...I'm so sorry that we have to go through this. But it says nothing for what 'they' must be going through. As I look at my son, I KNOW he didn't just get up one morning and decide that he'd become a junky. That he would have beautiful kids and lose them to the courts. and on and on. He has had his sober days....and I believe everything he has told me (if only for that day). I just don't understand any of this. There's times when I'm strong and I know what I HAVE to do for me. But I'll tell ya...I've been having major relapses this week. I hope to get back on track soon. I HATE this crying all the time.
peace
~sonja

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Sonja)))

so very sorry you are going through this. My son has not gotten to that point yet and I do not know how I will handle it if he does.

I know you are feeling so guilty but just think....this time you just might send him to his bottom. I hope for your sake it is his bottom and he will get help.

I'm praying for you and your son.

Love...Gail

mhgal · Senior Member

Hi (((((Sonja))))),
Right now, all the help that he's trying to get has to be on his terms. Because addiction is such a self-centered disease, everything is about him. He does have options, as you told him, but he doesn't want those. He wants what he wants. I don't have kids, but I'm learning the drill. I think addicts instinctively know how to push that guilt button, and I can only imagine that it's worse for parents to deal with than it is for others - you actually WERE responsible for him at one time, and that responsibility is hard to let go. Before Alanon, you probably would have caved, and my heart is just breaking imagining the scene at your house when you told him no. If this is the bottom for him, please remember that YOU didn't send him there - he chose to go.
My thoughts are with you,
Marion

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

My heart breaks reading your post. I cannot imagine, as a mom, being in your position. I'd likely cave. I will keep your dear son in my positive thoughts and pray that he gets the help he needs to lead a sober life.

Diva

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Sonja)))))

I'm praying for you. You are a very strong person to choose to do what it best for your serenity because you know you have tried everything else. Remember the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. We always hope this time will be different -- only they have to want to change.

A sponsor I had use to tell me that her sober AH says "They don't come to AA because they see the light, they come because they feel the burn." They often have to be on the edge of hell where the pain is just so great they decide to make a change.

No one wants our loved ones to go thru this, and my heart breaks for you and all of us who face these decision. Just remember that there are those who make it, ones who have been where your son is at and they are whole sober human beings that are participating in life. It can happen. Maybe catching an open AA meeting will help you thru this.

Luna

-- Edited by Lunamoth at 11:25, 2007-08-17

sonja ja · Member

Thank you to each and every one who have posted to me. It sure helps to know there's friends like all of you praying for me as well as my son. I've learned so much from Al-Anon in the last few years, but my emotional learning just hasn't caught up with my intellectual learning yet. It's so much easier for me when I get angry at him for what he's doing or not doing. Anger, for me, is such a strong motivator. But I know eventually that subsides and I have to deal with the real emotions which for me right now is fear. Thank you for allowing me in to your lives.

~sonja

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Much easier to SAY than to DO, but I really feel that by standing firm, you are at least giving him an "opportunity" for him to find his bottom, and choose a better way.... No guarantees that he will take it, and choose sobriety, but for what it's worth, I really think you're doing the right thing for him, AND for you. Continuing to "soften his landing", even though he is your son, is NOT helping either one of you get better.

I wish you all the good fortune in the world, and pray that he will choose to clean himself up.

Take care
Tom

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sonja,
My "A" is my hubby, so I will not pretend that our situations are exactly the same. I have just recently put my foot down in regards to his drinking and drugging. For me that was an extremely painful experience, but at the same time it felt good. It felt good because I knew despite the pain that I was taking care of me. I need to put myself first, if I don't then I start enabling him and trying to cushion his fall to his bottom.

All I know is that taking care of me is vital to my serenity.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy (formerly known as Dolphin)

sonja ja · Member

Awww, thank you guys. You've helped me so much. I know with all my heart what I need to do. And I know it will not help him if I step in. I just so need to hear that I'm doing the right thing once in the while.

hugs,
~sonja

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I still believe our childrens issues are so much harder on us than anyone elses.

You know using or not most of us have to push our kids out. The fact that he is sick makes it so much harder.

And of course you are doing the right thing. He needs you to stick to your boundaries. My son told me he needed me to be tough with him. this was after I made him go on a survival outward bound trip.

He has his own power to survive.He has to figure that out. If we take them in, they never realize their own strengths.

I have to picture my A in my hp's hands.

I have a neighbor girl who hangs out here a lot. I have realized I can show her how to do things, but she has to get on the horse and feel out her own way. Same with teaching her to fly a kite. We have to learn for ourselves. We have to realize to let the string out as the wind catches the kite, then bring the string in as the wind dies some.We have to feel life to know how to live it.

hugs, love to you and your family, debilyn

twinkie · Senior Member

I feel for you - that must be so difficult for you to see your son like that. But you did the right thing - if you want to help your son, the only way to do so is to keep being healthy and strong in your responses and actions. Sadly alcholism is a progressive disease which gets worse until the A decides to arrest the disease. If we enable A and cave in, we help the progression of the disease. Hopefully at some point he will get so tired too that he accepts and finds the help he needs. Your healthy boundaries are inspiring - keep up the great work! You (and he) are in my prayers.

CJ · ~*Service Worker*~

wow (((Sonja)))

that is INCREDIBLE love you showed to your son... some really smart people here mentioned that he does indeed have to find his bottom to have the chance of making it back. this f$@king disease is nothing more than a shameless killer and a heartbreaker. i am flabbergasted at the courage and understanding you showed... you are quite a woman. it is reading stuff like that that fills my heart with renewed hope i can become more... more compassionate, more understanding, more able to deal with what life and Higher Power hands out. Thanks for being here!

with love,
cj

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"