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I was planning to file for divorce before I moved then I learned that the vehicles that I have would have to be signed off by him in front of a notary (he's in prison) so I started thinking I really don't want to piss him off so maybe he will sign off in the future. Then I think, either way he will just hold it over my head and I rehash how many other times I bailed him out of jail because he would go to work and make money, and other similar things - basically that somehow me helping him benefits me but usually I end up with the short end of the stick in the end. Part of me is saying go ahead and file the papers next week before I move and the other part is saying wait and see if I can get him to sign off on the cars. Custody will also be an issue. I'm trying to figure out if waiting REALLY benefits me in any way or if it's just me doing that to myself again where I think it will benefit me but really it will just be something to hold over my head. I know that once the divorce is final he wont have much motivation to do anything for me. Would love to hear your thoughts on this.
I know with me, if I have too much unsettled business going on, I start feeling so scattered I get to the point where I can't focus on anything to completion. I don't remember how long your A is in prison for, but if he will be locked up for a while... I wonder if you can just focus on getting settled in your new place with your precious children and put your energy into just your life for a while. Pretend he doesn't exist. Maybe then, you will feel empowerd and believe you need him way less than you think you do, which possibly/hopefully, will be not for anything! Once things settle into somewhat "normal" (huh?), you can start on the details of divorce. You may feel stronger then too. You have every reason to be proud and excited about the new opportunities you have worked so hard to obtain, I'd hate for it to be poisoned by the details of the divorce, which inevitably won't be pretty.
Reading this over, I hope my post isn't viewed as advice. Really, just my thoughts. You have been on quite a journey, Carolinagirl, and your HP is not done with you yet. Hang in there. You are an inspiration!
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hi (((((Carolinagirl))))), I'm with Lou on this. If there is no time limit on the divorce papers, waiting won't hurt. If you are trying to spin too many plates at once, there's a chance that they can all fall. We don't need to multi-task, and it sounds to me like the move, while exciting (living near the beach - woohoo! my dream!), is also a stressor. You're doing great now without a piece of paper - if there's no harm in waiting, think about not placing another stressful situation on yourself right now. Take what you need... Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Hey you, congrats on the seaside suite :D . I've been following along of course, what a ride!
I relate almost too much to your position, our situations are similar, "the battle of belongings". I don't really know what to do other than my "divorce" lawsuit about all the stuff but hold on to what I believe is necessary for the farm, and anything else gets sold.
My balancing act in all this is that I need to break all ties to my A period, all ties that involve assets/belongings, mainly to protect them from any of his future episodes, but at the same time, what do I just "let go of" for my peace of mind, sanity, and what am I clinging on to that I don't really need, I just don't want HIM to have it? My Alanon friend up here has suggested I let go to just get rid of him. In five years, what will it matter I gave him the chainsaw?? Ya know.
I am not even at a point of suggestion or advice for anyone here. I am in the thick of it trying to find the clearing so to speak. So I'll just be with you in this, and read along. To me what stands out is breaking the ties that bind, how to do that without messing myself/yourself up to much.
You gotta post a pic of your lovely view when you get there :D I've lived near the ocean my whole life, not right on it but close enough it was a short drive. Now I'm living in the mountains and it's taken me two years to figure out which direction is west :D . Ya gotta love the female brain. Take care, I'm rootin for you :D Kim
I don't know the laws in your state, but are you sure waiting would truly benefit you? If he's in jail, I would think custody really shouldn't be an issue - you should get full custody. What judge is going to give custody to an inmate? And in order to change that, he would have to go back to the courts in the future. As far as property, if you're awarded property as part of a divorce settlement (or, for instance in lieu of child support not paid) you might not need his signature - just the court docs. Just make sure they don't award HIM spousal support! Again, I don't know your state's laws - just food for thought.
lmw makes some very valid points here! I was thinking in the same lines as the others until I got to her post.
If I were in your shoes, I would feel more inclined to pretend my AH didn't even exist considering he is sitting in jail. I would go ahead w/the move, get all settled in to my new life w/the kids and then approach the divorce w/a clear level head.
However, taking lmw into consideration......I can't remember how long your AH is in jail for. But I believe here in VA, if a spouse is sentenced to at least a year in jail, it automatically validates an automatic divorce for the other spouse if they want it. Basically the person in jail has no say so...it is what it is. Maybe check into that. It may be to your benefit to work on the divorce sooner than later. BUT it sounds like you will be moving VERY VERY SOON so what could it hurt to work on it AFTER the move. Ya know?
A difficult situation for sure and I feel for you......for me, taking my A out of the equation (or his possible reactions) always made my mind clearer, I would do that the best I could in my head, think only about me and my kids, and I would decide from that place. Serenity for me came from the sense of my self....a place far from him. I guess I would say listen to your heart from a serene moment.....and do what you need to do and are able to do right now.....whatever the answer is, you will find the strength and way to do it. Love, fifi
