The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A husband recently went on a 2 day drinking binge. Lucky for me he did it at home and didnt sleep for 2 days. He kept me up and wanted to argue about all the things I had done to him. I really did try and not engage him, but I guess we all have a boiling point. I threw his bourbon and coke on him. I enjoyed that one, but he did not.
I have come terms with the fact no matter what I say or do I can not fix his problems and decided to find an apartment and move out. He was not happy about this. He has a lot of medical problems and decided to use this to manipulate me. He called 911 and then his parents stating that he was having chest pain. I was almost positive that he was not having a heart attack, but followed behind the ambulance to the hospital. I guess I should tell you that I am a nurse at this hospital. I begged the paramedics not to take him there but they said he insisted.
Anyways, they admitted him. He told them he had taken a bunch of Xanax. A Psych assessment was ordered. They determined him to be a threat to himself and others. A warrant was issued and he was hauled off to a Pschy Hospital. Of course with making a scene. I have worked at this facility for many years so many people know me. I guess what I am getting at is I have been with him for thirteen years and we have no children (well three dogs) I am scared out of my mind about leaving. I have already placed and deposit on the apartment and plan on moving in on Friday. He will still be in the hospital. Should I tell him that I am leaving or should I just leave a note?
Tough. We are not suppose to give advice in Alanon only experience, strength and hope. When I ask for guidance from my HP then I know I am doing the right thing.
Yep, only you can decide, but I've gotten some helpful feedback that has helped me point myself in a direction I can live with . . . for instance, which of those choices would you regret?? An AA friend told me "press Fast Forward" and imagine the results, and whichever ones you can live with, go for it.
Leaving a note or not is not really the issue, though, as you've hinted at in your post. Whatever is decent and you can live with yourself over. If you feel fragile, like you can't take his BS, write a note. It really doesn't matter as long as you do what you need to FOR YOURSELF.
Sounds like his cry for attention er, got some attention!! Good for him. I doubt this was what he planned. So much for planning, it ain't only us that make grand, delusional plans :D .
I'd also venture this is an example of how HIS Higher Power is involved in his life.
Keep in close touch during this time, with your face to face Alanon friends and us. Taking care of you will give you more than you can dream of, the peace is priceless.
Since he is in the hospital he probably has a counselor, maybe it would be a good idea to let the counselor know of your plans so that he can be under care when he gets hit with the news. This way he is in a situation where he is taken care of and will not hurt himself or cause a huge scene. I think what you are doing is very strong and I commend you for doing so. It is going to be tough but as you said you do not have ties to him. You are taking care of yourself and that is so great. You are already ahead of a bunch of us on here. I wish you the best of luck. These are only my opinions so please take what you like and leave the rest. God Bless dear one.
I am sad you had to go thru this. Sounds like you have hung in there for many years.
I read your post, you already told him you were moving out. You said he did not like it.
So I don't really understand the question. I am supporting your decision to leave. It is not easy no matter what the circumstances. Are you taking your dogs I hope?
He cannot take care of himself so he will not be able to take care of himself.
It takes lots of courage to go on if they leave or you do. It is a loss either way, loss of a dream, loss of a hoped companian.
I wish they did things like that here in Oregon, I mean stuck them in the hospital. Mine has tried to commit suicide more than twice now, they get him going and send him home.
What are you afraid of? One thing I know for sure in my experience is when I am afraid, I am not being faithful. Also I may be taking it all too much at a time. Think of ONE day.What you need to do and what you want to do. don't think past that day. Maybe think about how in time you will have a place you can find peace and serenity. No one yelling,no one arguing. You can actually lay in the tub or take a shower and really relax.
I tell ya, living in a "home"even if it is in someones garage, if it is home and has peace and love, it is far better than living with the insanity of some a's.
I am living very simply. It is nice to keep adding things that are me.It is mellow and healthy here. NO one would dare be mean or obnoxious in my critters and my home.
Hoping to see you realize your miracle. much love,debilyn
Good for you for not allowing his health problems to manipulate you. I sense a certain amount of shame and embarrassment at his actions at your workplace - hold your head high. HE is the one who acted badly, not you. And anyway, he's sick, and at least some of your colleagues will understand that.
Alanon teaches us to keep our own side of the street clean. To me, this has always meant that I should be putting my energies into acting in such a way that I can look at myself in the mirror, live with my own actions. If we put our focus on behaving well ourselves, even when it is hard, we have a lot less time and energy to devote to running the A's life, which is better for everybody. In this case, I would try to imagine what kind of person I want to be, and act in the way that person would (even if I have to fake it a bit, as I am not really quite as good, or strong, or kind, as I want to be). No matter what you do, the A will try to twist it to meet his own ends - he has to, in order to justify his view of the world. Let him - the only person you need to answer to is yourself.
I'm sorry he insisted on embarrassing you at work but remember it his him not you! Others may feel sorry for you but they won't think badly of you because of the way he acted. As for moving, that's what I did and it's working for me. No telling what you should do but it sounds as though you are pretty set in your decision.
Waht a tremendous issue. I hope you are getting some respite knowing he is in a safe place. I can't really advise you on what to tell him. I am sure the right answer will come. I know A's tend to have separation anxiety. Why not say you are gone for a while. If you are human you can't move it all in one day can you?
I have pets so I understand what a huge tie they can be a relationship. In fact I think the pets are a lot of what has held the A and I together for a long long time. My own guilt, anger and anxiety at not being able to have my pets has been terrible. I recently got to have one of my two dogs with me the relief is incredible.
My own ESH is to have as much as you can of your life in your control. It sounds like you are very together. At the same time a crisis is a crisis. In time it will be over (I know I did not believe that but indeed my life does get better). Be kind to yourself. If you are working in a hospital you have confidentiality.
My housemates and other people around me know obviously from the A's actions and the way he is that he is hurting. The A I am with does not make scenes anymore but he can. I used to be tremendously embarassed by his actions (the car wrecks and more). Now I am not. Reality is something I can accept these days. I could not before. I do now. I can't say when it happened for me, detachment certainly helped. I think there is also a question I no longer beat myself to smithereens and I learned to deatch from those who want to tell me what to do all the time!!!!
When my AH went on a week long crack binge back in July, I changed my door locks immediately. I was determined in my decision to end my marriage with him this time. At the end of his binge, he checked himself into rehab for depression. Well I was getting ready to take our kids to the beach for a week long vacation. And I knew as soon as he checked himself out of rehab, he would head right back to the house and find he couldn't get in. So I went to the hospital and saw him. I took him some clothes, etc. and let him know that we were going on vacation without him and that I changed the locks so he couldn't get into MY house. He was mad but oh well. He got over it.
So that was my situation. A bit different than yours but thought I'd share it with you. Good luck in your decision making.
