The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So as you may know, my sober A addict BF moved out 6 weeks ago now.....his stuff was in the basement until 1 1/2 weeks ago.....I have asked him not to call and he is "gone" . It is so good to have peace in my home and in my soul again....peace for my kids....we are so much better off.
But in this absence of choas, my own life has come crashing in and I am downright depressed and overwhelmed. His misery was a welcome escape I guess from my divorce, going back to work, being a single mom and getting breast cancer in the past 3 years. Distraction from that was good in a way, but not really because now I have what I feel like are flashbacks to my time with him. The violence and anger and pain and yelling and embarassment and shame....I literally see what I did last year this time and I shudder and feel humiliation. What the %^& was I doing?! I can't go into town for fear that I see him or his friends....I go and feel so anxious and remember being there last year with him looking like shuch crap as he was falling apart.....it scares me and I just feel depressed about it all. On top of my current life with health scares and being single working mom....( I hear his voice now telling me to get off the pity pot....me who so rarely complains).
I know what I would say to you all about what could help and I am trying to be active each day and be gentle with myself and not isolate and I talk with other alanon folks.....I feel like I just have to be here for awhile....has anyone else felt like this?
Thanks for being there to write this too.....not many out here understand.
I don't know why you feel shame to go into town. Who cares what his friends or he thinks. I would strut my stuff with my head held high because YOU are the ONE that has peace in her home. You did not take the crap any longer. If anything he will feel ashamed when you walk by.
You are allowed to be on the pity pot when it comes to breast cancer. It's very scary. My FIL is a Gynolcological oncologist and my husband is a Radiation Therapist and my BIL is a Radiologist. So we know ALL about cancer. Feel free to ask questions if you need help okay? Cancer is not fun and you need all the rest you can get. Tale care of yourself dear. Keep coming back every day. We won't get tired of you. :) Nice to meet you and I'm very glad you are here. WELCOME!!
Fifi, since my A has been gone I felt a week or so of such relief I could dance and sing for joy, then it went away and a depression hit. I'm feeling better now, I've dealt with depression before and my same conclusion was I needed to be there . . .
For me it was SO important to stay close to Alanon during this time, I must have posted MOST of my total posts during this time. I could barely move. I did only what was absolutely necessary but you should see the state of my laundry.
I personally feel I had to take a long look at myself . . . it was very hard to do. I didn't really want to see how awful I myself had gotten . . . it took that "slowing down" of depression to push my face into just how sick I'd gotten. I'm an optimistic person as a rule, and I prayed daily for energy and relief, but that was not what I needed, apparently. I am genuinely coming out of it . . . . like walking out of a museum of exhibits about myself. It was so hard not to beat myself up, but thank goodness for all the Alanon people I spoke with on this board, or one on one, or face to face. They kept telling me I was being hard on myself, and so I stepped back and found compassion for my sick self. There's no way around facing the music, as it were. Once the A is gone or gets sober the journey has just begun.
I'll bet this is "normal" for the process. We just have to be careful. I had to be very careful to respect the somberness of my state of mind, how sick I'd gotten, without indulging in self-hatred or other ugly, useless emotions.
One day not long ago I just started feeling better. I saw how negative my thoughts had become, not from the depression but from living 24/7 with the disease, and started taking another view. I can make lemonade out of this, and perhaps this awful experience will bring great gifts of personal growth if I keep up the work.
So I certainly do relate, and I'm still not quite out of it yet. But I'm respecting the process and the healing, whether I like it or not :)
Thanks for sharing, I knew I wasn't the only one :) Kim
Hon I think when we are not with them,we begin climbing out of the hell of aism. Part of that is becoming aware again how very horrible they can be to us. I know I was so shocked at the behaviors. I had never experienced that before. fi in time Your life will become familiar to you and the past will be that.past. You are still getting your balance on your new path.
Hey you are a survivor hon. I would encourage you to put your head up and smile!! Be happy you got to where you could climb out and look back and see the pit you were in.
Of course it is so umbelievable, becuz how the heck did the disease blind us to the real horror of it? How come we did not leave the first time things were insane?
I know for me, I could not believe it and had to figure it out. thus alanon....
I cont. to come here too. I have not really seen my A for a year now. Except the wonderful chance seeing him at the store, that was hell.
I need alanon just as much now as seven years ago. It is my foundation. My hp is the most important person in my life.
I love the support here.Am sooo grateful..Now one else would understand how come I just cried for a second cuz I miss my husband.
Hey there, Yes, I was right there too. Depressed and scared to death. I remember for a long time thinking he was going to get better and come help me raise and support the kids and a lot of my resentment was fear that he wouldn't. Finally, I got to the point that I realized and more importantly accepted that this is my lot in life, I am completely on my own and I am fully responsible for the happiness, health and financial support of these three children. Actually, now that I have accepted this I get a lot of pride from providing a good home for them and knowing that I am doing it all on my own. I feel strong! My kids will appreciate it someday that I tried to always have the best for them and worked so hard to take care of them - at least that's what I tell myself. :)
I spent a lot of time in the early days here totally mired in immovable depression. For me personally my ESH is that was indeed part of a process. I did not have very good choices to make. I liked none of them. I oculd not cope with the reality. I do so so so much better now. Much of that has been having one place, one place in my life, that is here where I can come with my reality and not be judged and feel shame. I found that immensely healing.
All I would say is yes you do have a great deal to contend with. I try to be nice to myself every day. Yesterday since I got paid I ate better than I do normally. I try to find what I can in each day and roll with stuff. There is a lot of stuff to roll with these days.
I am so glad you are here. This is and will probably be a central part of my life for a long time to come.
