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I had a phone conversation with ah tonight (he was sober). He's been four hours away at his job for eight months. He got the job so that we wouldn't lose the house. I figured after he established that he would do what it took to get us together. Well.....he never did anything. He lives in a trailor with two guys (one's a drunk and eats all his food) and the other is supposibly ok but lives with his skanky girlfriend. Not a real good place to live. It's a nasty trailor park. So I asked him "why haven't you tried to move us there" and he said "because you wouldn't want to live here, it's dumpy". I said "ok, then why haven't you gotten your license for another state so we could move?" He said "I needed to look into that but haven't". I said again with yet another option "why haven't you looked for a job back over here doing something else? You could easily make the money you're making now and not have to pay for two different households and live with your wife and children" He said "what other job am I going to get that all I have to do is show up?" (he doesn't want to do manual labor....he pushes buttons treating cancer patience and it's a piece of cake for him) so I said "I'm sorry, are you saying that it's not worth your family...to live with us and be doing manual labor????" and he started flipping out. It's like he couldn't come up with excuses fast enough. I ended with "it's ok, I'm not mad. I feel sorry for you because you are throwing us away" and he said "I am working to keep a roof over your heads" and I said "that doesn't make a family, you needed to be here for your children, you are pushing us away and when we are gone you wont' have a house. I hope it's all worth it for you". We ended it at that. It dawned on me that he apparently likes not having the responsibility. He only wants to be a dad when it's convenient to him. I couldn't believe he would chose living in a trashy trailor instead of working hard to be with us. Whatever it took. So that was a blow. You would think he would do whatever it took to stop the divorve and save what he had. It just stuns me I guess. Unreal. ONLY an alcoholic. He knew every excuse that came out of his mouth sounded stupid. UGH. Just when I think he's dumb, he gets dumber. lol
How sad . . . for you and the kids. But there you go. You basically have your questions answered. He doesn't want his family, and that's so sad, just like you said.
My A is in a rather picturesque trailer park himself :D . This farm was his dream, too. He fought like a tiger to stay here and continue to do drugs and raise hell. I know he loves it here. But his disease prevents him from focussing on what he loves.
That my A chose to continue his irresponsible lifestyle is not my fault. I told him I would take legal action to get him off the property if he didn't stop. He didn't. He made the choice. Apparently his disease doesn't give a crapola about where he lives, if he eats, has electricity or a decent pillow under his head. Not to mention ME, I am not chopped liver. I'm not perfect but I was a darn good wife to him until I could not doing it anymore.
It's not your fault either, you know that, right??? Just checkin :) .
What man in his right mind would choose living in substandard conditions over living with his wife and children? A sick man, a drunk, a man you might not want for yourself. You deserve to be treated like a goddess, you bore his children.
Before my A, I had no concept of what it was like to be treated like a "goddess". Over time I've seen it in other marraiges/relationships. It began to hit home what I was missing.
What's really heartbreaking is the kids. You KNOW it's got to be a disease when they choose other things over being with their children.
Keep getting it out, we're here and listening. Take care FOY!! We're rootin for you.
I don't get it either. If my A put as much effort into working his program as he puts into trying to manipulate the things he wants, including us, he would be the ultimate poster boy for recovery from addiction. He is so smart and so kind hearted, but just can't seem to value himself enough to do anything honestly.
I am trying not to take it personally. It's just not about me.
(((((girls)))))
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Yes you do understand. Its amazing as you said how the disease doesn't care where he sleeps or if he eats, ect. It's like the disease blocks his ears from common sense as well because I will tell him and look right in his eyes that he's missing out on something wonder and yet he makes excuses. LOL I like that being treated like a goddess. I wish! Thank you for your posts. I thought I heard everything from him but it's amazing once you get yourself well how far fetched his lies seem. WHen I was really sick with him I probably would have believed his crappy stories. I told him calmly that I just feel sorry for him and that's all the emotion I have towards him. I don't think he liked it. I may even end each of my phone call with those words. "I feel sorry for you, good bye" lmbo
