The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ever since I found out about my AH's drug problem almost 2 years ago, I have waffled on what to do. Do I stay or do I go? I worked up my "Plan B" right from the start, which was divorce. And I steadily worked towards that goal. With each step I took towards that goal, I would get sick to my stomach and think "Maybe I shouldn't do this." But thankfully I did it anyway. For example, setting up my own bank acct and no longer depositing money into the joint. I did this right off the bat and knew my Ah would blow a gasket when he found out. And I was right. He said it showed him that I didn't trust him....which I didn't.
Same w/selling our house. He kept saying we didn't have to do that. That he'd get a job and keep it and get clean and stay that way.....that we could continue to pay the 2 mortgages and all the bills with no problems. Now I allowed him to stall me on the house selling for a few months. That was a huge step for me towards the divorce goal. I knew and he knew it. And we were right. I am not bound to him by bills any more. I have mine, he has his, it is all separate. I have my own house and he stays w/his mom or his grandma. We are completely separated now.
But ya know, every step I have taken on this journey, I have always thought we can still get back together if I want to down the road. And I allowed him to smooze me into getting back together for a few months, move into my house and lay around on his butt accomplishing nothing. I figured I'd let things play out for a while and see what was what. The inevitable happened. He went back to his drugs after only a couple of months of sobriety. And I knew he would deep down. Funny thing is, I am glad he did. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him to continue using, hurting himself and the family, it's just that I saw it as "One last chance" and he blew it and I was able to make a firm decision and feel good about it. I am realizing here the last couple of weeks how truly uncomfortable I was with the last attempt at a reconciliation. I didn't want it. I thought I did, thought I should, figured it was in everyone's best interest. But deep down in my heart, I didn't want it. And it is such a relief now to know that continuing on with the divorce is truly what I want. I want to move on w/my life. I am no longer waffling on what I want to do any more. I know what I want and that is what I am doing. It feels GREAT!!!
personally I gave the A chances till I was sick physically and mentally. There are no more chances for me. I can salvage something out of this mess but not much. there is also no more trust left. there was none ever really. there is no question he got worse and worse and worse.
Really there has never been a chance but I never did want to see that.
You are an inspiration. I have stopped "thinking" about the divorce and finally finished the papers. I am so scared once I get it that I will change my mind and I'll want him back and then he won't want me. Even though I do not want him right now. I'm afraid once someone else has him I might want him, even though I don't want him and could care less with him having someone else (he doesn't yet) I'm afraid I'll have a nightmare and wake up and want to be with him and it will be too late. So hearing you helped me. I hope I can pm you if I have fear once it's started. Thank girl mwah. ((((HUGS))))
The freedom you describe is what I yearn for.... to know that you are correct in making a very tough decision, and feeling good about it. The last part is the key. My AH(sober 6 mos I think) has been out of the house for 3 months. He has agreed to go to a marriage program in three wks which is great, but I feel the need to at least be somewhat prepared if "we" don't work out. The program takes a lot of work (6 Sat in addn to the wkend) and I don't know if he has it in him. To be honest, I don't even know if I do, but my heart just won't give up. Anyhow, as I run into crisis after crisis, I often just wish that I could be the one to yell "enough", as loud as I feel inside. Maybe I just need more time.
Good for you in knowing what you want, and taking care of you and your kids, first and foremost. You are my hero!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
There's a slogan I'm thinking of, "It takes what it takes" . It was awful "waiting" for that decision, for me. But it came, and when it did, I felt like I might float away from the relief!
QOD you are taking such good care of yourself, and you HAVE taken such good care, even while making waffles :D . I think that is the most important thing here, just wanted to say it out loud . . . . Kim
I am so there right now. Do I stay or should I go? When is enough enough? I have threatened so many times and never went thru because of the fact I'm SO scared. scared of being alone, scared of raising 2 children on my own, scared of how it will affect them. htey are so young and will not understand if I do leave there father and i'll be the bad one. I have not worked it 8 years and now theat the kids starts kids full time and can finally go back to work. I have already started just 2 days a week and once they are in school will be working full time. It's going to feel so good to finally have something of my own. I want to to prove to him and Myself that I don't need him in my life. That I can do things on my own. Thanks for sharing your story and makes me think I can do it too!!
Good for you!! You are inspiring. Its funny how deep down we do know what is right but its a matter for going through the motions until we feel it more fully. Keep us posted on your continued journey. Hug to you!
