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Ok so For those who have not read my 1st post...I have a alcoholic husband. I also have two small children. An 8 and 6 year old. My husband has never til yesterday drank and drove with my daughter in the car. He says he only had a couple BUT I DON"T CARE . That is unacceptable. I have decided not to allow him to drive the kids anywhere! My kids will not understand why and i'm not sure on how to explain it to them. I will once again be the bad one. Please help.
Hi Silvana, there's always lots of questions to ask at first, please keep on asking, they'll help you get "the picture" of what we're trying to do with ourselves in Alanon.
I agree it is wise to prevent the kids from being driven around when he's had something to drink. The consequences are all over the news. Little ones like yours could understand the direct truth, I believe. "When Daddy's been drinking he's not supposed to drive with little kids in the car." It's like telling them it's just one of those "no no's" .
I totally understand about being 'the bad one' but you can explain it simply and truthfully. Rethink this one for yourself. Who cares what the A thinks, and there's nothing you can do to control what he's going to think or say to you or the kids. Stand up tall and tell the truth. I can't help but mention how you'd feel if there were an accident and you held your tongue just so you wouldn't come across as the bad guy.
Remember the alcoholic will do or say anything, ANYTHING, to make sure they can drink as much as they need to, whenever they need to. The disease prevents them caring about what consequences will arise. He already has a DUI, right? He's already been pulled over out of all the other cars on the road b/c a cop saw him weaving around or whatever he was doing. It's a big deal.
The principle of what Alanon would "say" here is to see the disease of alcoholism for what it is, a dangerous, fatal illness unless the person enters recovery. Until then, one has to face the reality of living with active drinking and drunkenness and take appropriate steps.
I hope I am coming across with concern and support here. You just can't undo what might happen to the little ones if he wrecks. If he gets pulled over, child protective services will be called and YOU will find yourself embroiled for allowing the kids to be in the car with him. Ugh. Please take care, and keep asking questions! And posting, too :) Kim
Hi and welcome. I also have an AH. I just read your post from yesterday. All I know is from my own experience with my AH is that if I would of done an intervention I do not believe it would of worked. He just came home from rehab on Thursday. Self admited no where else to turn except death or a tragic accident. I know it is early but it really seems to of changed him for the better so far. One day at a time. I was lucky that myAH didn't drive with the kids when he had been drinking. He got t be a drunk away from home leave work and come home drunk. He needs to take responsibiluty for actions and know that is not ok. I was to the point of not wanting to leave my children with him. That was hard. Mine are 8, 4 and 2. Explain the best you can try not to place blame wich I know is hard. I had a hard time with that. I started telling them Daddy was very sick and go from there to what ever excuse I had to come up with.Sorry so long. Good luck to you. Hugs.
Thank you so much for the advice. I just want you to know that I did not know he had been drinking til he came home. He had taken my daughter to her 1st Baseball game. I was not expecting him to drink, since he had never done it before. I would have never allowed it if I knew he had. OK now back to the question though, what if it's just to the grocery store for exmaple and he is 100% sober? I still will not allow the kids to go but what do i say then to the kids?
How about, "Lately I can tell that I just drive better than Daddy." That one might work and then you can go do the driving? I'll bet that is just one available alternative. Another one might be to have him tell them that it's better if he goes (where ever) alone.
In the disease of alcoholism an active imagination is often a useful tool.
I'm glad you're not allowing your children to ride him. Driving while drinking is against the law. If he gets caught by the PD driving with alcohol on his breath and children in the car, it could cause you some inconvenience, too. In my state, allowing this would be called "failure to protect."
He needs to be caught but not with the children in the car.
Eight year old children (and some six year olds) usually know about alcohol. So you could gently tell them the truth in a way suitable for their age, i.e., that "it's against the law for daddy to drive when he's had a couple of beers. Daddy's not bad; he just doesn't think about what he's doing sometimes." Or one of Jerry's suggestions might work for you.
I'm sorry you and your kids have to go through this. Alcoholism causes a lot of stress for everyone concerned.
You say you didn't know he had been drinking, but he could be a "closet drinker" and they hide the booze and drink when they are alone. But you are correct in not letting your children go with him. Just because he isn't drinking at the time, doesn't mean that he won't while they are with him. You are wise to not let them go with him. I can't relate to how to tell the children about not ridng with him. Maybe someone else will respond to that. Good luck! Aspen
