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My A that had everyone thinking he had 9 mos. sober is not. I made him leave last night . I can't think clearly when he is here, and I don't want to be mean to him as I am sooo angry. Now I'm not sure if I should let him back once I calm down or not. I told him before that he will not be allowed to live here if he does drugs. I feel like I really should stick to my guns on this. Also, how can I be sure if he really gets clean or just lies some more? When do I just stop trying? How many chances do I give him? I love him, but I am not sure I am willing to go through this every few months forever. The problem, too, is that he has shown an enormous amount of growth over the last few months. It's amazing. So, I'm at odds with myself because I also said that I didn't expect perfection, just some good steady progress. So which one do I go with? I don't want him yo-yoing in and out of the house every few weeks. And being out for a day or two doesn't seem to even faze him. I'm not sure it's good for the kids, either. But I want them to understand that what he is doing is not acceptable. I have to protect the rest of the family.
Anyway thanks for listening. Your comments will all be welcomed.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
There is an old saying of "say what you mean and mean what you say", and it is VERY applicable in dealing with our A's. Letting A's come back without any commitment to a program of sobriety, especially when we do it over and over again (most of us have!) - is beyond an exercise in futility - it actually makes things WORSE, if that is possible.... The reason being - the A's know that we aren't going to commit to what we said, and so all threats, ultimatums, statements become meaningless....
Your question is a tough one for any of us to truly advise, other than to encourage you to figure out what YOUR boundaries are, for allowing your A to come home and live under the same roof.... if it is that he can't be using drugs and is actively participating in some type of recovery program - then so be it.... we need to hold our A's accountable - often times it is preferable to even be in writing - so they have rules to live by - for good or for bad....
In my opinion, accepting your A back into your house, without any commitment from him, is a recipe for disaster, and more of the same results...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hate so much that he has not been maintaining that true program of recovery - that is very painful to discover. This statement that you said really struck me. Yes, it is very difficult for me to try to think clearly when I am surrounded by the A's in my life - they don't always have to be active for that to happen either.
Maybe can you take some time while he is not in your home to try to clear your thoughts - seek your HP's guidance on what is best for you & your family. Attend meetings, read literature and maybe even try the pro/con list on what is healthy and what is healthiest for you.
Sometimes these things help me to know what is best for me.
Wishing you Serenity & Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi Miss Jen, for me it was getting to know the 'disease' and facing it's reality squarely, without hopes, just for what it IS. It is a progressive, fatal disease unless arrested by the addict with a program of recovery.
I saw my A over the last seven years be the dishonest, angry and blaming person that he was, sober or high or drunk. That, and the progressive, fatal nature of the disease, with the dishonesty . . . my conclusion for myself was NO WAY, I couldn't do it. All A's are different, have different capacities for growth and honesty. By my own A's actions, I had to face his capacities were too limited and it was more than likely if I stayed with him, I would be committing to a hellish rollercoaster and I just can not do that, just won't. I love him, and always will though. Just couldn't live like that.
You are in my thoughts and prayers for the day :) Kim
Hello Jen i understand your dilema go or stay? Are you attending meetings for yourself that will help you straighten out your thinking as u begin to separate your stuff from his . A diff perspective always helps , and al anon offers solutions not advice , you must decide what is best for you no one else has the right to make that kind of decission for you . this is after all your life. we cannot control another person as your finding out , threats don't work , ultimatums don't work tears don't work , shamming them dosent work , the only thing that works is that we allow them the dignity to get on with thier lives the way they choose . and we do the same and for Al-Anon was the answer I didn't have to leave my marriage to do that . Please find meetings for yourself . Louise
Dear Jen, I'm so sorry -- we are in the same exact boat. My AH had almost 4 years of being clean and sober and last week, I found empty bottles in the basement. I know exactly how you feel: betrayed, foolish, angry to name a few.
I too have children and I worry about them. I would say that we have a functional household, but it isn't always stressfree. My AH is not practicing a program either (for the last 20 months or so). I have been with him in total for about 15 years and 12 of those in marriage. Even though we have a great life, it seemingly isn't enough. He still contends that he can drink because he says his preferred drug is rx drugs. He's a hard nut to crack.
I can validate the previous posts about threats not carried make words meaningless... I'm now at the point where I know if I don't take a stand now... then he won't believe anything I have to say. It goes the same way with him... he says "I'm sorry." then in a few weeks, months, or years, he's back to it. I don't believe him anymore.
I guess accepting the disease is like accepting he has cancer or maybe more like diabetes (which needs daily attention). Even if the symptoms of active use go away and even if he is practicing a program, there's no guarantee that the disease won't get worse at some point in his life. I'm coming to a harsh realisty that THIS IS who he is. He will always be an alcoholic and an addict. Can I live with that -- can I live with HIM? Do I want my children to live with an alcoholic father? Not really.... but I'm too afraid to step out and leave....
I'm sorry... I wish I had some great answer. The only thing I do know is that this al-anon program can help us deal with our thoughts and feelings and the wonderful people in this program will be there to love and support us through whatever circumstances we have to deal with. I also know that God does have a plan for me and I just have to be willing to open up to it and let go of my own willfulness.
For right now, my AH is sleeping in the guest bedroom... he's not drinking or using, but hasn't made it to a meeting yet. My boundary is to have a safe place in this house -- and for right now, that's our/my bedroom... I really like the idea of a contract or a written agreement. My AH will say things and then later (even just a day later) will "forget" what he said. I think putting ito npaper will make the agreement seem more objective and will put more accountability on him instead of you. Also, if things don't work out, you can always use that documentation later in court to show to a judge.
Just my two cents... My prayer for us is clarity andpeace of mind... sending youwarm hugs, Lee Ann
I can understand the anger. Sometimes for me the anger is about the only way I have a boundary. Recently I said no to the a. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. I had to get to the total end of my rope then. He understood it and declares me a bitch. Yes I guess I am because I finally found a boundary.
No one can tell you what to do or when to do it. I do know unequivocally that coming here has saved me. Keep coming, keep posting and keep being involved here. Soon things start to change. For me its taken a few years but I have changed and I have started taking care of me.
Hmmm - Been there, done that! You have to look within yourself and decide what is right for you and your kids. No one knows your exact situation or your A. One day you are going to wake up and know w/all your gut what you want to do.
For me, I was never comfortable w/my decision to stay married after finding out about my AH cocaine addictions. I worried about the future, about the possibility of my AH going back to drugs/alcohol down the road. I was just so uncertain about the decisions I was making in life. Mainly too b/c all decisions I made revolved around my AH. For me, once I decided to end my marriage for sure, no turning back, life got a bit easier. Not necessarily financially or physically but emotionally, spiritually. I drew a line in the sand and that is where it ended. Now my finances are still a mess b/c of the AH but I am on a steadfast path to clean it up. Physically, I have ALL of the house chores to do by myself, car maintenance, yardwork. But that is ok. I am a tough cookie and can handle it. Emotionally I don't have to deal w/my AH on such a intimate level any more. He is the father to my kids and I am cordial to him but that is it. I no longer worry about him, where is goes, what he does and who he is with. That is his problem, not mine. When he comes to see the kids, that is exactly what he does, visits w/the kids - not w/me & that is fine w/me. And spiritually, wow, I feel so much more calm these days. Home is pleasant for the most part (except when the kids are bickering). I can relax when I want and not have to worry about what my AH is doing in the house or what he is expecting me to do for him. I feel free. Free to do whatever I want and need for me and the kids. Serenity. Yes, I found serenity. And it is still a work in progress. I smile at myself to think about how far I have come and how much better things are going to be in the future.
Now it took A LONG time for me to get to this point. I waffled back and forth on what I thought was right for me, what my duties as a wife were, what my duties as a mom were, what was expected of me. When I finally decided to look deep within myself, I was able to answer all those questions. It takes time and patience. So for you, continue to work the program, working on you. Find some time each day for a little peace and serenity if you can. Take deep breaths when things get hectic and be easy on yourself. We are here for you. I will keep you in my thoughts every day. :)
Go with the one that you feel you can really stick to, and that honours your own feelings best. If you don't know which one that is, then don't make a decision just now. He can sleep on a friend's couch for a week or two while you really think about it - or longer, if that's what you need.
Remember - YOU are not the one who made this happen. He will try to make it all your fault - everything would be fine if you would just stop being such a bitch - but it was his choice to drink that brought this on.
Another thing that I think is often forgotten - if you made a boundary that does not really reflect your true feelings (maybe in an effort to manipulate him into doing what you want) it is not 'backing down' to rethink that boundary. It is instead maturity, and 'doing better when we know better". This applies equally to being firmer than you originally had been. or being softer. It's your life - as long as you keep your own true feelings, your own best interests, and your own obligations central in your mind, you will do OK.
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful comments. I don't have words to express how much it helps. I have to get ready to go to my meeting, so I will come back later. I am pretty sure at this point that he will be out of the house for a couple of weeks at least, maybe longer while I sort out what I think needs to happen for me and the kids to accept him back. One positive note, he is not blaming me and seems to really want to take responsibility this time. That is different. In the past he has played the 'poor me' card. He also left his friends house last night and did not stay there because his friend has started using again. Another positive step. Who knows maybe this is for the best for now. I really believe that all things happen for a reason. We just don't always know what it is.
Thank you all so much.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
