The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been working like a dog and I feel the hole not making time for program has made. I try to read daily, but have posted very little lately.
On August 9, my AH celebrated one year of sobriety. I went to his meeting with him, and he received his one year chip. I cried the entire meeting. The members there that night said such touching things, I just couldn't shut off the waterworks. I spoke, and I said that for me, his sobriety date is the day I didn't have to leave, the day I didn't have to take my children away from their father. Everyday I am grateful for his sobriety.
But, with this year passing, I realize I have put off a couple of things in my own recovery. It started last October, when I realized there was infidelity in my marriage. He was working his inventory step at the time. When I asked him the first time about this, he wanted to drink. So, I thought forcing this issue will bring up too many feelings he is not ready to deal with, I will wait until he is more grounded in his sobriety. As he gained more ground, I put it off further, thinking I don't want to fight!! We fought so much while he was drinking, and I don't want to go there again!!! Then it seelmed as if there was never a good time to bring up such an emotional issue. Somebody is always tired or has a headache, or one of the kids is always showing up when I think we'll get a few minutes alone. I think it is now time to get it out in the open. I need to deal with it
One of these women is currently his supervisor at work. It has been awful to know that he sees her every day. I asked God to remove this woman from our lives. I asked my husband how he deals with resentment. He said he asks God to give to these people what they need. I tried that. This woman was diagnosed with a brain tumor the doctors' say with 90% certainty is inoperable. She will most likely be declared unfit for duty and medically discharged. Now, since she has been out of commission, my H has been running things at work. He thought it would be nice to send her a small gift from the shop, so he bought an angel figurine. He mentioned it me before he did it, and I had to ask myself what would a kind and compassionate human do? No, I do not feel kind and compassionate towards this woman, so I will act as if... he bought this gift with my blessing, and I am thinking I must be completely insane. Look at this situation.... I belive an affair took place, and I am giving my blessing to buying a comforting gift for this woman who I believe owes me a big fat apology, all the while asking God to help me feel kind and compassionate towards this sick woman. Well, I don't feel that yet, but I don't want her to die either, so I guess that's something.
Anyway, that's a bit of where my head is at right now, and I could use a little feedback. Thanks guys
Hey Michelle, over all it sounds like you and your H are pushing forward. There is probably no end to the 'fallout' after living with active alcoholism, there's always SOMETHING in the back of your head wriggling around.
Infidelity hurts so much, and the lack of trust that inevitably comes of it. Then, the A is angry with us b/c we just can't trust them, and have such a hard, hard time letting go of it.
If you are going to stay with him, I don't know what else you'd do but let go of it deliberately, keep putting it out of your head over and over until it becomes a habit of 'not going there'. How else do you continue the forward progress? What if he never says a thing to put it to rest for you? It's depending on HIM for your peace of mind to wait. And we all know where that goes :D. . . .
Sounds like the problem is YOURS and that is such good news, considering. We only can 'do' for ourselves, anyway, can't change a hair on the A's head. I'm sure there are lots of Alanons in exactly your same boat who have worked through this pain you are dealing with now.
