The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just replied to gardengal's post (two below this) re: taking care of yourself first and I thought taking care of others was how I showed I loved them. AND how others loved me.....
I agree with gardengal now and am learning how to care for myself in baby steps but then what really is love? My best guess is that warm fuzzy feeling I used to get from my deceased father who just was happy to see me or to be with me just the way I am. I feel that from a couple of my kids some too.
Made me wonder what all of you thought love is as you are at different stages of this recovery. So how do you define love now? ..........and then also as I write this, this tune keeps replaying in my head: 'What's love got to do with it?'
confused but trying to learn ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
- Letting my A work her program by herself - Giving my A a chance to figure it out on her own - Caring from a distance - Answering the phone if she calls, not calling her - Prayer - Working MY program (i'm an alcoholic too)
And most of all, love is PROGRESS, not PERFECTION.
HI DDub, Funny you should write this...I have been thinking about this all week since I discovered my AH's relapse. I have no idea what love is, esp. when it involves someone dealing with addiction!!
I used to think that love was being committed to a person through thick and thin, through celebrations and tribulations, doing something for someone else with not a thought for self, doing something or giving something just because it makes the other person happy, accepting that person no matter what his appearance/mistakes of judgment or behavior/performance -- to name a few. But, most of all , a joyous feeling in knowing that person and seeing him be who his is... and just taking joy in that. I have to say I experience this sort of unconditional love with my children... and sadly, no longer with my AH.
The thing I think is paramount to love is trust. My sons have done nothing to cause any distrust from me and so when they make mistakes, I know they are truly mistakes. I trust that behind their mistakes was lack of thought, lack of experience, lack of knowledge... and lack of disception. So, even though they may make a mistake and do something I don't like, I can still accept them and love them. We talk about whatever and move on and all is well. And when I make a mistake, I make sure I go back and apologize and take ownership for my part. We try to do better together and we have the intention to do so.
My AH on the other hand has said "I'm sorry" so many times and repeated his mistakes of judgment with disception or disregarding his experience and knowledge -- that I no longer accept his word or understand his "love." I don't trust him, esp b/c he is not working a program and is not being honest with himself (or me, or anybody else for that matter). How can one live a life of lies and say they love someone? I think what my AH feels is not love but just co-dependence -- Co-dependence with a basis of fear underneath. I think he loves the fact that I take care of life and am some grounding for him when he is so crazy... I think that's what he loves -- not me. It makes me really sad to realize this.
I know that for me, codependence and fear are why I'm still in the marriage... . Haven't quite found the courage to step beyond this relationship out on my own... haven't worked up the trust in myself to know that I'd be okay out on my own.
Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent... the only real unconditional love is the love I have felt from my chidlren who are under the age of 9 years... wouldn't it be a joy to find that kind of love and acceptance in an adult? Oh... I think I have -- with you all... sending warm hugs, Lee Ann
I really like what M. Scott Peck said about love in his book "The Road Less Travelled". He said love is an action, not a feeling. The word 'love' is a verb after all :) .
According to this guy love is doing whatever it takes to support the physical, mental and spiritual well being of the beloved. It's not always giving them what they want to make sure they're happy. This definition of love fits so well into Alanon type principles and tools. Loving someone actively will not always make them thrilled with you. Often loving someone in this sense confuses or angers them, esp if you are detatching, refusing to play fantasy games with them, acknowleging the truth of what is happening, and taking steps to make sure YOU are OK.
That means refusing to buy into alcoholic BS is LOVING your alcoholic. Refusing to rescue them from consequences of their drinking/drugging is LOVING them. Loving them means making NO contribution to their disease if you can help it, it means NOT prolonging them hitting their bottom by bailing them out of jail or paying their fines or even letting them live with you if you yourself are in danger.
As we grow we learn to love people in spite of how uncomfortable it makes us to coddle them any longer.
Since loving an alcoholic is not easy by definition, this is a great question to ask!
I am going to be really honest here. Lately I don't feel love for my alcoholic daughter. I feel resentment and indifference. That is not my nature, but I am unable to feel love on this roller coaster ride. I am angry I am sick of her imcompetance. I know she is sick but God helps those who help themselves.
'What's love got to do with it?' 