The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Grateful for the replies re: my boyfriend's death. I have not been able to check into face to face meeting because of baby/no sitter. I know there are different stages of grief, but this does not seem real. Again, he had not drank but was smoking pot CONSTANTLY and taking klonopin-5 a day. IS IT TRUE THAT A WHO ABUSES OTHER SUBSTANCES-EVEN POT, IS NOT TECHNICALLY SOBER? I ache for my baby boy that he will never know his father and keep replaying our relationship in my mind, trying to find some understanding or meaning/resolution. I want closure, I want to ask him why did you do this? could I have stopped you? why couldn't you have just stayed home that night. did you die knowing how much i love you? and discuss all the pain i'm having with him-when he wasn't drinking, he was always the first person i wanted to tell things good/bad to. Seems friutless. seems as if my thoughts, regrets are so intense and constant that i will lose my mind. I am trying my best because i have to care for the kids-hard to smile at the baby some days/interact with older son because i am so torn up, but i do it and am exhausted from it-emotionally. the what-if's are torturing me. what if i had asked him to watch tv with me or went outside on the porch with him like he asked me to? he told his friend around 9 he was going to sneak out and get another beer, but i was playing with the kids when he slipped out, didn't know he was gone, thought he was laying on couch and in for the night. My intellect tells me it was 3rd time in 2 weeks he drove drunk and stoned and could have happened another night esp. if he was choosing to continue down that path-but my love for him and sorrow for kids is making me ache with regret.
Hi Klm, I'm glad to see you here again. I might be able to answer one of your questions but first I want to tell you how glad I am that you are posting your thoughts, feelings and regrets. I hope it is helping you to "get this stuff out", we need each other so much after tragedies. . . .
Pot is a mind altering substance, if he was smoking it all day every day he was not sober. People go to AA or Narcotics Anonymous for pot addiction too.
Of course it's hard to smile and play now, you've had the worst thing happen. Try to look at your "if only I had . . . " thoughts from a distance. When we experience tragedies it is NORMAL and NATURAL for us to try to figure out why and wonder what we could have done. It's our human way of trying to get "control" over what we cannot control. It was your BF's time to go.
I love the internet and how available this forum is every day, all day, but one drawback is I wish I could just sit with you as long as you wanted and listen to you and just be there in person. I'm so sorry this happened.
There couldn't have been a thing you could have done. If we could ask your BF now, I'm sure he would agree. And tell you to forgive yourself.
Please don't torture yourself with trying to figure it all out - can't be done.
My husband was sober when he died - he had been sober for four years. However, the cancer that killed him is common in alcoholics - his drinking definitely contributed to his early death. The damage that alcoholism does affects every part of their lives, and much of ours too, and there is not much that can be done about it.
I sure hope you have somebody to talk to, and some support - if you don't know anybody, please get to face to face meetings and get that help. It is too hard to do this all on your own. Call your local f2f - maybe they can get a sitter for you. or it might be OK for you to bring the baby. We often have mothers bring babies to our meetings - if the baby is small and sleeps or nurses, it is no trouble at all. Even older kids - 4 and 5 - come sometimes. It's not for the best, but if there is no other way, peopel can put up with it.
All I can tell you is that it DOES get easier. For me it has now been 7 weeks since his death, and I have passed through acute pain, and the feeling that I am drowning. Now I feel more of a dull ache, as if I had been kicked in the stomach and have a big bruise - it really is almost physical like that. I can see, though, that some time in the future, I will be able to feel joy again. I can't right now, but it is like being in a dark valley - the sun is shining on the mountain peaks ahead. I am not there, but someday I will be again. You will be too. Keep posting, do whatever you can to get through this in a healthy way.
The a I have been with drives intoxicated all the time. i watch the news and everytime I hear of a crash I wonder is it him. For some fo them it is just a matter of "when". I know that I did absolutely everything I could to help the A. This week he called me a bitch and said he wanted me out of his life. He's got it. The heartahce is enormous. There is nothing but nothing you coudl have done. You did everything already. I can understand you want to function for your children. At the sam etime allow your self time to grieve. I am gla dyou are feeling less awah in pain. Nevertheless for me there are days when I ache with grief and anger and rage. I let it come up and let it go down. There are some days when I think that being around the A bring sup every single issue I have ever had, jealousy, grief, resentment, revenge the works. There are also other days I feel totally impotent with frustration.
I thnk AA can be an mmesne solace there is much in the big book about alcholism that makes it understandable. There are also books like Melody Beaties which are incredibly helpful.
Some people never get sober. The A I have been with may be one of them. He will not make it without jail or some such ting. He's on a collision course with destiny.
I hope you will take care of yourself come here often daily if needbe and post post post.
