The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ah was coming to see the kids (as usual) and he asked what I was doing visiting my sister. I told him the honest answer. My sister ran out of her pain meds and she borrowed a couple of mine. So she got hers today and asked if I would come out to her house to be paid back what she owes and to see her new puppy and to visit her neice (four month old baby....I'm a sucker for babies) so I went out there. It takes and hour to get out there. I also visited my mother and brother. So when he heard that he flipped out. He started calling me a drug addict and a pill head and he will see me in jail. I have a prescription and I take no more then what's aloud. I learned my lesson by not taking more then I should. The kids knew he was coming, he decided after a four hour drive to turn around and go back to the other coast. When I asked him why he did that his answer was "I was going to kick your ass" Sorry but after being punched in the eye I did NOT like that comment. (that was four years ago) I watched the kids go to bed hysterical AGAIN! Now he keeps leaving messages how I am going to jail, and for me to find another source of income, ect. I've been called EVERY name you can think of and I did NOTHING wrong!!! I was not going to go through with the divorce but calling me a pill head went beyond crazy. I have osteo arthritis, buldging discs, ect. I am seeing a dr for this. So on Monday, I am filing for child support, handing over the divorce papers and being done with it. Some boundaries should NOT be crossed with me and calling me names like that over does it. I have NEVER done street drugs in my life, EVER! He pulls this crap because he doesn't like to be called an alcoholic (which I no longer have called him in years) Did he just go off the deep end? Is he looking for an excuse to not come see the kids? Is he jealous that I am prescribed pain killers? What gives?? Please some ESH. Nothing he said really bothered me, I just don't want the kids to hear that garbage talk. Thanks. Love ya'll.
oh hon it was definitely disease talk. The disease does not know there is a difference between meds and using to get high.
I got the same bs. O.A. HURTS. I have it too. I don't take the med as it makes me so depressed when I stop taking it, even if I just take one.
Nsaids kill my gut.
There the disease goes hurting you and the kids. Of course you did nothing wrong. They just LOVE to think they found something bad in us.They want to drag us down.
friend, please try to think of it logically. I am doing my best to do that lately. YOU know it is bs, we don't care what the A thinks. I agree, he really crossed a boundary.
Well it was what you needed. Hp is taking care of you. Now you know you choose to go thru with it.
I am sad for you, it hurts so much.
Hope you and the kids can do something fun and heal up.
How dare he threaten you.do you have an RO. That kind of talk is a good reason to get one.
More than a few of the people I sponsor continue trying to "work out solutions" with their Addict/Alcoholic spouse. While this concept is fine and good with marriages where BOTH parties are in recovery, it is just NOT possible when it is just you in recovery.
Al-anonics change. We change. Daily, we progress in the understanding and serenity of the program. Yet, it is that basic fact that rips the relationship with the A further and further. We change, and they stay the same... even getting angrier and more FEARFUL because they don't understand, want, or approve of us (mostly codependent) becoming (changing/enlightening/progressing) into a new, healthier person. That outrageous behavior, crazy accusation, and screwball logic can all be traced to FEAR, GRIEF, and ANXIETY that the A harbors. We MUST detach from those very toxic, and cyclicle, thought patterns.
I try, and have my sponsees try to find the strength and courage to remove themselves from the toxic atmosphere. We can all way in on the pros and cons of staying in a relationship or marriage, but active addiction and behaviors will ALWAYS beat out our want to revive, heal, love, grow, control, and be serene.
I've been contemplating whether I should state these ideas as a matter of "FACT", instead of suggestion. I just cannot think of a case where this hasn't been true. I want to emphasize that this scenario is with active addiction or with the active addiction behavior (aka not in recovery).
To me, it looks like you've made a very sound and prudent choice to extricate yourself and children from a toxic, sinking ship. I beat myself up over my marriage dissolving before I "Let go and Let my Higher Power" guide me through recovery. All those cliches on marriage and love cannot take precedence over your health (mental, emotional, etc).
please, take what you like and leave the rest love cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
FOY, I am so sorry this happened. It may be "disease talk", but that doesn't change the fact that the kids are devastated. That's so sad. Young ones always suffer because they cannot begin to understand the concept of "diseases talking."
Take care of you and the precious little ones. I send best wishes as always,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You guys always make me cry :( I love how you are supportive and it really lifts me up to keep going. I have been pondering divorce for a very long time, six years all together. It's just time to S*** or get off the pot, plain and simple. It's sad to think that I'm ok with having the miscarriage because I know now that it was his way of trapping me. I fell for it hook line and sinker. What a dumb jerk I was. God will have to take that one on. My sister talked with me this morning and she said she would bet anything it's because I lost the weight and look great and I'm not sitting at home waiting for his arrival. She thinks it's fear as CJ suggested. All I can do is all I can do to protect myself and them. Once someone talks about my children or tries hurting them I go into defense mode and all walls go up. He's trying to hurt me but in the long run it will hurt the kids. You are all right, he is still VERY sick and he is not working the program. I know he does not go to meetings and I honestly don't know if he's drinking or not. We live very far apart. Sorry but I will not be married to the enemy. My gawd, I don't even have a bad friend that would treat me like this. Who does he think he is?? I'll keep you posted if you would like to know how it turns out. I had his cell phone turned off so he could not harrass me or hurt the kids any further. They know when it rings it's him. If they don't hear it they won't wonder too much. I really really appreciate your caring for me. I need it more then anything right now. You are all I have and you mean the world. Thanks. mwah. FOY
One thing this program teaches us is to ask ourselves "what is my part in it?" Sometimes, our part is that we expect an active addict to act in a rational manner, and then are surprised when they don't.
You can spend time trying to make sense of what he does, or you can move on and do what you want. Which one is a better use of your time?
I can't get over his crap. I would've told him "you know, in the jail, they *do* allow sex visits with the proper paper work. Would you like me to let the head b**ch go first?" Whatever. Hon, you know what you're doing. You're no fool. You have a sponsor and I know you've talked to her. Whatever. Like RTX says, take care of you.
I don't have a sponsor. I don't go to Al anon meetings. I have no sitter remember? It's just me and you guys. :) The phone is off so no calls from him and it's been a GREAT day!!! lol You're too funny Tiger!
Aloha Friend...You got the solution just as I did. Hang up the phone as many times as it takes or keep it off the line. What happened? He was taking his anger at whatever out on you. He has learned to do that over time and hasn't learned something else. "It's only words" my sponsor said...don't give them power over your serenity and "Don't react" to them...makes things worse. By that time it wasn't about her; my recovery was about me and getting recovery. I learned to also tell others who tried that behavior over the phone with me that my phone was so sensitive that when it happened it would just hang up during the conversation. I even had another person who didn't get the idea beg me "please don't hang up on me!!" and I reminded him how sensitive the phone was. Grab any variation you like and enjoy it. It works.
By the way threats can get people some serious cell time even when they come over the telephone and especially when there is a history of past abuse. Just some information from an ex-ATV case worker and retired abuser. (Not a secret and no longer an issue.)
((((hugs)))))
ps. If he is not drinking that could come under the heading of "Dry Drunk" syndrome.
What jsut happened? An alcoholic displayed typical alcoholic behavior. That's it. Sorry the kids were caught in the middle and were disappointed, but that happens all the time. When I was a kid and my alcoholic dad disappointed me...I found a way to have a PLAN B. So when ever this happens again, have a really fun back-up plan for you and the kids so they will still have a great weekend! It may be a trip tot he park, baking cookies, working a big puzzle, or somethign more like a trip to the beach for the night, a local theme park, etc. JSut keep an optional plan on the back burner and if (WHen) it happens again, pull out your plan B and go for it.
Another thought...if he is threatening you on the phone and leaveing mesages, i HOPE you are saving the answring machine taped messages. Terroristic threatening on the phone is a crime. You see tapes played all the tie on court TV shows. You may be able to use it to show how crazy he is and to help win your case.
And as far as being a pill pusher or druggie..you KNOW you have a medicAl condition and have a legal prescription. His threats to have you put in jail are ridiculous.
When you file for divorcce, no need to even look back. He's the one who made the bad choices...not you. Your good choice is to give your kids a safe, calm home without all of the screaming and drama.
And, hon - you're a single mother. Please put finding a good sitter at the top of the list. You are no good to those kids if you don't get some time to yourself.
I agree with all of the above , and especially with lin. You need to give yourself the right to take care of YOU, first and foremost and then you can be the parent you always wanted to be. Its sad when kids of any age get involved in the parents arguements, especially the young ones. Can you explain to the AH that you do not want the kids to hear such crap, nor do they need to hear it , period. Kids are resiliant, and if you start taking care of you, it will be good for all of you concerned.
I feel I get me time. When they go to bed I get on the computer or rent a movie. I really do not like to go out away from them anyway. We kinda come and go as a group. :) Plus I feel better when whatever I do includes them. I am one of those mothers who didn't think she could have kids and now that I have them I love every second even if it's aggrevating. I also go to church on Sundays and sit alone. I feel out of place when I am alone half the time anyway. I like it with them with me :) I understand what you are saying though and thank you. I did not get him on tape, he said it to me. He doesn't have the key to the house anyway. If he REALLY wanted to hurt me and the kids nothing could stop him anyway. I'm pretty tough and he knows that. My neighbors have a license to carry and they told me to call them if I need them. I'm safe.
I find it helpful to not bother to explain or even converse about my life wth an active A. Another one of those annoying assumtions... that he will react to anything you say like a normal person. An active A is pretty much always looking for a reason to blame or make someone else lokk/feel bad. No sense giving them ammunition, huh? Glad you got the phone turned off. How old are your kids? Mine was only 5 when my A went crasy for the summer before getting sober. I just told him Daddy"s brain was sick and he has to be ready to work hard to get better. Kids understand a lot, if you put it in language they can handle. It helps explain his irrational behavior so they don't blame themselves. Anyway, it's what I did.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
