The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The A wanted to see me today. Every time he sees me always hits me up for money. I have told him this week repeatedly I have none. I am down to raiding the penny jar to get to work. I am also working really long hours (which is good because in time I'll have some money). I told the A this week to sell a piece of equipment he has. He didn't.
So today for the firt time I said no. I just said No I do not have time to see you I am working too hard.
What a sigh of relief that I do not have to go through saying No again. No matter how many times I say no he still asks and still tries to manipulate that he has nothing. I am not the bank for him anymore.
I had to get to the point of giving up all hope that he would come through in some way. He hasn't. He continues to writhe in his messes and feel sorry for himself and look to me to rescue him.
This week I also let him have it totally about the way he has treated me for the last 7 years. I let him know that it was totally unacceptable to come to me for help after he had put me last behind all his drug addicted friends, family whatever. I let him know the score. I've let him know the score before of course but I was always there willing to hang onto the hope he'd at last be a reasonable person. He can't. I gave up I surrendered and then stopped abandoning myself. I am no longer going to give him money I need for my own life. He'll ask. I have to put myself in a place where I don't even give him the opportunity to ask. He has resources I am not his bank of resources to be discarded when he feels like it. I'm just not available for that anymore.
Congrats to you girl. Can I borrow some of that amazing strength and resolve. Mine tends to falter sometimes. Just last weekend when I was running to the store for a few quick items for my AH's grandma (she gave me her credit card), he said he would go and pick up the stuff b/c he needed some cigs. I said "No. I am going but you are more than welcome to ride w/me." He didn't like that too much b/c I know he was planning on using his grandma's card to pay for his cigs and maybe get some cash back b/c he didn't have any money. I would never relinquish my card to him again and I sure as heck won't about to do that to his grandma.
It just amazes me how drugs and alcohol can change a person so much. The man he used to be would never have asked for money like that. Granted there were times early in our marriage where he had to BORROW money from family to pay bills but he always paid it back. Now is so willing to just take hand outs. It is just crazy.
You deserve some extra "snaps" for sticking to your boundries. :) Proud of you.
He's a big boy, he'll figure it out. You ned to take care of YOU! I went through the same thing wanting to rescue him but you'll find the more you say no the easier it gets.
That sounds great! And you know you are truly "helping" him by not giving hand outs. Not to mention putting yourself out, you're putting yourself first.
This gives him the dignity to make choices for himself and decisions he wouldn't have had to make if you just hand it over.
It's so true that once these guys were not so sly and willing to rob from their grandmothers to get a hit or two. They just can't see at all how they are anymore. Just naked greed, like a little baby who wants a titty and can't wait for their diaper change first!
When my A finagled the car away from the boys I wasn't totally shocked he'd do something like that, considering his behavior in the last few months. But a year ago, two years ago, NEVER would he have done something like this.
I think they don't see themselves because the shame is too much to bear, being so desperate as to beg your wife for a few bucks. To be so "dependent" on others must be a kind of hell on earth. But only they can climb out, they CAN climb out, it's just up to them whether or not they will.
We can be sure they WON'T try to climb out as long as someone is lowering the goods down to them in their pit.
Keep us posted Mary, stay close to your good healthy friends here. I am following this avidly :D
((((((((Maresie))))))))))) Reading your post made me so happy. Way to go! I was amazed at the feeling when I finally started saying what I meant. I am at the point now where I can even say it without being mean , wow!
Keep putting yourself first Maresie!!! Sending you a great big (((((((HUG))))))).
Good for You! Feels good, huh? Keep up the good work.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
, wow!