The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted since our friend went off the "deep end". He is doing much better and is attending a couple of meetings with my AH. We are getting life back to normal now that everyone is out of the house.
This week we've been hit hard with past debts that have to be rectified and of course those letters and threats come at such a terrible time. QOD, I feel for ya, know right were you are with all that.
Lately AH has been working late every evening and we were to go to a meeting last night, but he calls me late in the afternoon and says he's going to work late again. I just said o.k. fine, but I was disappointed because I have not seen much of him lately. He also hasn't been to any meetings yet this week and his communication with his sponser has slowed down. Noticing these things is that old habit of mine, getting into his business and worrying about him more than I do myself.
I guess old habits die hard. So last night, got home, made dinner, gave the kids a bath, and its getting later and later, and the fear begins to maginfy. I opened up ODAT and read some passages on fear that clearly talked about letting go of the other person's life and letting them live their own lives. That includes how they work their program, how they work their jobs. AH has been working hard and my guess is trying to keep this job he's gotten. He's also been offerred some side work with my brother that will give us an opportunity to get out of debt quicker. I am so grateful for his hard work and his maturity. I was angry with myself for having that fear. Its amazing when that fear sets in where my mind will take me. Even though AH has not given me a reason to doubt him right now, the past and the feelings that go with it pop up.
I continued to pray and attempt to redirect myself with literature, playing with the kids, etc. When he came home it was too late to go to a meeting. He did work late, then picked up his check, bought groceries, and some work shirts and lovely bouquet of white roses for me. Well of course my heart melted because its been ages since he's bought me anything, much less make a sweet gesture of roses. Was this HP's way of saying Let Go and stop looking to the past?
My dream is that one day we will have so much recovery that I don't venture to the past at all and continue to live in the present and focus on that only. Living with this disease has definitely made its mark on my heart and my emotions. Sometimes just a smell of something can trigger a memory. Anyone struggling with this? How are ya'll dealing with it? Any E,S, and H?
Thanks for listening. Peace today and always Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am sorry that you slipped back into the bad habits of doubting your AH. But I am glad that you found constructive ways to work through it AND the end result sounded wonderful.
Good luck w/the debt collectors. They can be real doozies, that is for sure. And what a major pain the butt.
Glad to see things are beginning to look up for you.
I had this happen every time my A was a little late getting home or I couldn't reach him on his phone. My problem is I was right every time. That's a large part of the reason I left is that I finally had to give up hope that he would change. Well I can still hope I guess but whether he does or not doesn't affect me anymore. I know exactly what you mean about that churning in the pit of your stomach and the here we go again racing thru your mind. I just couldn't live like that anymore, waiting for the other shoe to drop and having absolutely no trust or faith in him.
I may look at things different than others - but here is my take on this.
Fear is an emotion - Emotions are neither good nor bad - It is how we REACT to those emotions that can be either good or bad.
You, my wonderful friend, did NOT react. You focused on the Next Right Thing. You took out the tools of your recovery program. Read literature, took care of your responsibilities and in essence Let Go & Let God.
You did not stuff your fear, you just refused to let it control you. You do not have to beat yourself up for feeling an emotion. We are human. As I understand myself, I know that I will feel fear, anger, doubt, guilt and all those other emotions the rest of my life. I am just better equiped thanks to Al-Anon and the help of my HP to know how to handle those emotions in a more productive manner.
So very excited for you and your AH that he gave you that special gift of love and attention. You deserve it. How great for both of you.
Triggers may always be there for the A's and for us - for me it is the step after I encounter the trigger is what's important for me.
For me, this is an excellent example of your growth in recovery. Thank you so very much for sharing with us.
((hugs))
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
i'm new here, but a few years in al-anon. i can identify. i still get bursts of fear about money or fury at my partner over his distance. and sometimes i still think if i try hard enough i will stop feeling anger, fear etc. but of course it is part of being a human...it is lovely to hear that it's what we do after the trigger that counts. my family has just moved to another country and ive had no meeting for 8 weeks so its lovely to hear this language again. the nearest meeting to me is an hour and a half away in a big city, it may take me a while to brave that journey so thanks everyone for this sharing.
Just my own thing, but I would be darn suspicious of those roses.
My experience is that if a man who was ill-behaved in the past suddenly starts doing ANYTHING out of charecter (no matter how sweet) it means he is thinking differently.
In my A's case it was the sunshine before the tornado hit.
I hope against hope that this is not the case for you, Twinmom.
Either way, nothing you can do about whatever may happen in the future...enjoy those beautiful roses today and kiss your beautiful children. That is the stuff of TODAY, and today sounds great! Let go and let God! It's not every day a lady gets such nice flowers.
Well, my AHsober worked and worked late and on weekends. Sometimes he actually worked and sometimes he was in some kind of addiction like computer games or surfing the Internet. He would pop in and do something nice or offer to help. I am learning that his niceties were part of his disease. Not to say that your AH isn't trying because even in their disease there is some goodness. What is harmful is us going on that ride with them every single time. I have to embrace my fear because it is real and part of me and my life with an A. I try to take this as my life and what can I do about it. They have a struggle too that has nothing to do with us.
Thank you all for the support and E,S, and H. I'd rather not live in suspicion of AH's actions different as they might be I believe their is some growth and maturity going on for him. Its easy for me to get caught in the trap of worry and anxiety and I have to remember that everyone's life is different than mine and each person will feel things differently than I do, including my Ah.
The last two days of meditating on this issue for me has helped me see that I need to place that fear, anger, resentment where it belongs and then deal with it in a healthy way instead of holding it inside and letting it fester like a boil.
Hope everyone has a beautiful day, Peace, Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
It's all good (((sweetums))) like the E,S, and H I received we all feel things differently. For me its important to keep looking up but I also know that I can't let these fears and anxieties paralyze me. In the past they have.
Thank you for being supportive and sharing with me. Have a wonderful weekend.
Peace, Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
