The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was online the other nite and pulled up the history so I could find a web address I visited earlier in the day (and yes, I do check the history OFTEN, but wasn't doing so that nite). I saw several swimsuit sites, and was wondering who was going to them. My daughter hadn't been home the last several days, and I wasn't visiting them, so that left one other person. My husband was in bed watching tv, so I stood at the bedroom door and asked him why he was going to these sites. He said, "umm, I just clicked on that link on our Comcast homepage 'fan' (advertises hot stories of the day)." I asked if he was planning to buy a swimsuit (they were all for females, no male swimsuits), and he said "maybe I am!".
I went back to the computer and saw more sites, i.e. Nordstrom's, Comcast Shopping, Emogirls. Under each of these titles were several links, including "Closeup" links, to see them close up. These were string bikini, thong, and leopard print suits, for what it's worth.
I went to him again and confronted him, and this time, he shook the remote control at me, while lying in bed, and said, "WHAT I DO IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!" He said this several times when I asked him anything. He's NEVER, NEVER, NEVER spoken to me this way, EVER. He hates and avoids confrontation. But lately he's been "pissy", moody, whatever. I went upstairs to bed, in our other bedroom, because no way was I sleeping next to him after knowing that he's searching out bodies to view. He even watches our hot neighbor lady, who's almost our age. I see him all the time, in our sunroom, looking out the window EVERY time she's outside.
He admitted when he was in treatment that he had a sex addiction...I saw it on his paperwork from the center when I packed for us to move 2 yrs ago. Even when I asked him why he had an affair with his ex g/f (she's a dud, quite honestly) during his drinking days and the beginning of our marriage, he said it was all about the sex.
Anyway, we have a counseling appointment next Tuesday. I'll give this a try, but really, I'm exhausted at trying to work on us. I know, I left in April, and came back because he wanted to work things out, as well as me. But I came back on the condition that we will get counseling, and he agreed to it. So that's why I'm giving it a try, to see if it helps.
If you truely love each other I think counseling would be a great start at repairing the damage the addiction has caused in your marriage....
Where there is life there is hope...you still have life and hope girlfriend, after what I have experienced, I say give it a try and I will pray that it all works out with love and respect for each other...
I completely understand what you are going through w/all of that. I believe my AH is a sex addict as well. He's an alcoholic, drug addict, so why not sex addict too? He is a binger. He binges whatever he is addicted to. He can go w/out it for days, weeks, months but then once he gets it one time, he just can't seem to get enough of it.
I remember a little over a year ago, his mom had been using his grandma's computer to set his grandma up for on-line bill pay. Well, she mistakenly pulled up the history and was shocked at what she saw. Apparently someone had used his grandma's computer to search Britney Spears pics & Paris Hilton pics. She also found some CyberSex IM's and was completely blown away (and grosed out too I think). She contacted me about this stuff b/c there were only a few people who had been to her house during the time all this was done. My AH and my son being the only heterosexual males. Well my son was only 12 at the time and the only times he is there is w/me and he rarely uses her computer (which is right in view of everyone in the living room. My AH was the more likely culprit. We never actually accused him of this activity but mentioned it to him and he immediately went on the defensive. To me, that was all the proof I needed that he was the one who did it. All of the things he has done in our past 14 1/2 years of marriage have just piled up to create this huge mountain between us. We are currently separated and will be divorced in Jan 08.
I understand the frustration you must be going through. Keep coming here, reading and posting. Good luck with the counseling too. Many find that w/counseling they work through all of their problems and have a much better marriage b/c of it. We are here for you.
Is it sex addiction? Don't know... he's looking at scantily clothed women. Could it be he wants to buy something for you? Could be that if he is a sex addict he's choosing a little less risque sites to go to to see if that fills his needs? My understanding of sex addicts, gambling, addicts period is that there is a big empty hole inside of the person's soul. A void and that person chooses to fill that void or hole with things other than the love of HP, family, friends, themselves with unhealthy things like drugs, sex, gambling. If his sex addiction is flaring up again then he needs to confront it, there is nothing you'll be able to say or do until he's made up his mind and become really honest with himself and you.
Maybe in counseling he'll find it a safer environment to talk about this. Something I learned during my experience of counseling is that it only works when two people are really committed to each other and the process. AH and I have spent lots of money on counseling, we did learn some things, but he was actively drinking during most of it and maybe absorbed 25% of what the counselor was trying to teach us. Until he gets completely honest you might be the only active participator. I truly hope it works out for you guys. Stay focused on your recovery and taking care of you.
Peace, Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Since he has a self admitted history of sex addiction, this might be his way of testing what he can and cannot safely do - sorta like an alcholic drinking 'near beer'. To my mind, looking at bathing suit ads seems pretty darn innocous, the sort of thing a 12 year old boy would do, and no grounds for worry. All men look at women, it's hard wired into them, and no big deal. However, MY mind is not the important one here. If this makes you unhappy, then you have the right to set a boundary around it.
I would think carefully about that boundary, though, and examine my motives. Are you trying to protect yourself, or are you trying to control his actions? There is a big difference between protecting yourself from the very real and very painful fallout of full blown sex addiction - STDs, arrest, blackmail, association with some very shady characters - and the need to control your husband's sexuality.
There is a lot of truth in his statement that what he does is none of your business. What IS your business is how he treats you. Something else that is your business is your own actions. If you are doing something that you should not be - snooping, for instance, then that is yours to address.
At alanon, it always comes back to YOU - are you happy with your own actions? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you keeping the focus where it belongs? When you don't, unhappiness follows.
If you really want to give your marrriage one last try, then do so, wholeheartedly. Do your very best to make it work. If he also does his best, who knows? things might get a lot better. If he doesn't, then you have the option of leaving, with the knowledge that you met your own standards. You have no control over how much effort he puts into this. You do have control over yourself, though, and yourself is the person you will need to live with, no matter what happens.
Don't give up yet , councelling is perfect I would bring it up in front of councelor if it continues to bother you that way u have a mediator to difuse the situation and be sure to mention his attitude when you asked why he was going to these sites . good luck Louise
For what it's worth...not everyone who takes a peek at a scantily clad woman has an addiction that requires mental treatment. Men are SUPPOSED to like to look at women. Is he on the street lusting after every chick he sees in a tight skirt? Relax. Remember the quote, "Look but don't touch." Sorry I can't get myself all worked up over this. Why borrow trouble? Leave him alone.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi Lmt, So sorry this is happening to you my friend. I hope and pray that your H will want to work as hard as you do to rebuild your marriage. If not, I'll pray that you will have the wisdom to know what you cannot change by yourself and that you will have the courage to change for your betterment. Love, Jonibaloni21
