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Hi it's me again , Most of you know about my recent involvment in an Alateen Confrence in our area . One of our Alateens has been invited to attend a WSO advisory meeting , she will go with her sponsor in a couple of weeks . As a sponsor I really don't understand why our kids are not part of our family recovery . I would appreciate honest input as to why U as individuals Al-Anon members of f2f meetings do not bring teens to recovery . This is after all a family disease . I am asking for honesty so i will have to be honest , my kids did not attend Alateen meetings either , I became involved in Alateen 20 yrs ago , in part to make amends to myself for not being there emotionally for my sons . I couldn't be there for them but perhaps I could be for your kids . I truly wish that I had taken them by the throat to Alateen , I was after all the parent it was up to me . Husb was still drinking at the time . and i was just a tad nuts and self centred myself. It has taken along time for me to come to terms with the fact that I didn't insist that my kids get the help they deserved when dealing with this disease , the support from peers that was so valuable to me I denied my sons because I was so selfish could only see my own problems . Any input would be appreciated . Louise
Maybe sometimes it's all we can do to keep ourselves on track. Maybe we understand that even for teens, they have to want help, and some don't yet. Try to take heart in the fact that helping you did help them and I am confident that it was the best you could do at the time. Don't beat yourself up about not doing more. That is your codepenency talking, telling you never do good enough. It's not true. I read your posts. You do plenty. Do what you can do now. Yesterday is gone. You can help the kids that are ready now, and maybe use a healthy bit of regret to encourage others to get thier teens into alateen if they are ready. It's enough. Work your program so you can let it go. My honest opinion.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I can only share my experience .Years ago I was a alateen sponcer.I have 6 adult children today. But I did make my kids go. To try it for 6 meetings as we are told in alanon. My husband , was and is sober for 24 years and he went to AA and I went to Alanon. I learned the same question that came upon you. From a Different perspective. That If parents are part of program why not there kids .Out of six children 2 of them went faithfully. after there choice in 6 weeks .Alateen only had meetings around here once a week.
Today 2 of my adult kids have a additive behavior with there spouse.
3 of my kids are active drinkers. My son-in-law sober 2 years. I have the program instilled in me. I am able to share my thoughts and feelings on issues they come up in there lives. But it comes back to choices for our kids learn from us. My active kids know about alateen,AA,alanon, went there 6 weeks and went to only fun functions in our great program ,like camping, bond fires dances so many thing that Our teens worked to pay for the rent of the building and ligatures.(I was sponcer my kids had to go,For hubby helped with boys on trips) Once Question I had wonder is Does most Alanon people . know that Alanon is the mother of Alateen? .So Abby my hug to you is you have it now hun when you need it to share with your loved ones .Thank you for posting took me down memory lane *wink Love Sharon/angel
Not being a parent myself I can't tell you from personal experience. I'm wondering if perhaps because you were so caught up in getting better yourself, you just didn't think about that at the time? I don't mean that in a negative way. But you were sick and needed help. You had to get well so you could take care of the family.
When I look at my sister (husb. I still believes uses) has never gone to Alanon. I have asked her to go with me, but her reasons are time. (I accept that face because she's my sister, but in my heart I know there is much more than that.) When I look at my nieces I can see what their Dad's behavior has done and the residuals of it.I would like it if my nieces went. One is almost 16 (yikes!) and the other just turned 11. They've been through some rough times. I can see the affects, so can hubby. But it's not up to us. It has to be up to my sister. I do know that we've never sugar coated hubby's disease. When I get those rare moments alone with the girls, I do let them talk if they want to. That's all I can do.
I guess the one thing you have to remember is: you did the best you could at that moment in time. They needed a healthy parent and that had to be you. They are lucky they had that.
Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 13:57, 2007-08-08
-- Edited by Karilynn at 13:57, 2007-08-08
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I took my daughter faithfully to Alateen for at least a year until she decided not to go. She has also attended AA for her addictions. Like many of us she has her own demons to fight and when we get to Al-Anon is when we get there. Nobody forced us to go, and if they had we wouldn't have gone. I did my best to raise my daughter without the addictions that possessed her father, but in the long run the addictions won. Today she is clean/sober and for that I am thankful. She has her own life and makes her own choices. I dont know if it's my parenting abilities that have caused her to make her decision or the program. All I know is that she is who she is and I accept that. I am grateful that you are out there involved with the kids that are attending Alateen. Thank you Louise.
SenoraBob
-- Edited by bob6502 at 14:08, 2007-08-08
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
Where I am in Scotland we dont have any Al-ateen meetings. I was willing to open one, but there seemed to be too many rules, as it was dealing with kids. I told myself I needed more experience before I attempted that, and I opened a f2f one instead.
We also have a group concience at f2f, one of my groups don't allow kids to the meetings. Some parents don't feel their (anonymity) is safe.. Also, they feel they cannot talk infront of their kids. And, some kids can't talk infront of their parents.
I have also saw in the past kids in the family react differently. My sister has not let her childhood affect her life today. As for myself, I am badly affected by my childhood in the same family
All we can do is keep doing our best. And "Hope" these kids find al-anon when they have had enough pain in their lives...
I get so much from your sharing abbs, and you always know when to kick my a$$
If I had attended alanon when my kids were growing up, we would have all gone.In fact Abbyal we went to these classes at the A and D center. Alcohol and other drugs. It was really cool. But ya know not ONCE did anyone mention going to Alanon or Alateen.
I did not even know about it. I wish doctors, health clinics, schools and more would educate everyone on aism. It is a disease, we teach about cancer,aids, and other diseases but not alcoholism. there is still a stigma on it.
I know some is we need to have an alanon meeting, AA meeting and alateen meeting all going at a very good time, so the whole family attends a meeting.
Plus there are not that many alateen meetings available.
I agree with ya completely.
Gotta say many of us could not get our teens out of bed, going to school, or to talk to us, so I suppose we may of had to handcuff them to us to go....I am imagining handcuffing my son, duct taping him like a mummy onto a big dolly and taking him to a meeting.... love you, debilyn who would have done it too
i think personally its not a one size fits all program. For some of us its all we can do for a long long time to survive. At other times we can address the long term consequences of the disease. My younger sister is an alcoholic. I hope at some point her children get to go to alanon. Am I in a position to suggest that at the moment. Nope. I have to be super careful what I take on. One of my biggest issues as a recovering codependent is to really respect my limits.
I wish I could have got into recovery earlier in my life. I really started to go to therapy when I was 30. If I had started as a teen maybe I would not have ended up being in a relationship with an A. Who knows. I know I don't have 20/20. I used to be incredibly critical of certain conferences/efforts at recovery by different people. As I've really worked on my codependence I've learned to focus on me far more. I think there is a place for family recovery but we have to remember each family is different and everyone one of us have very different needs/issues going on. One of my core issues is to beat myself to smithereens for not doing more. The days when I can say I am doing the best I can and mean it and hold to that are new for me.
For me, it has more to do with logistics than anything else, really. There is no alateen here, and the only way it looks like there will be is for me to start it - no one else is at all interested. I would not feel comfortable sponsoring my own children, they wouldn't like it, I don't really think it would work.
I've made the literature available, talked to them about my own program, and given them access to other means of growth and dealing with problems - counselling, etc. I don't really know what else I could have done without taking over the whole thing on them, which is not really the point, somehow.....
I was an alateen sponser. Untill my daughter decided to go to that meeting. I sat in on a couple of meetings with her and it was so uncomfortable that I stepped down as sponser so that she could go to that meeting and say whatever she needed to. I have brought my kids to alanon meetings when they were young, until they got to be a distraction. I don't think they could or would want to be in a meeting with me. Their perspective on their life is completly different than mine and I don't want to feel like I've influenced them to feel any way towards and A in our lives. WOW that was a mouthful. So, as a mom, a sponser and an active member of alanon I know that they get what they need when they need it. So do we. Much love and luck...
I understand what you are saying. I only wish I had known about alateen / alanon when I was younger. By the time our family disease flared up full blown, we were no longer dealing with youngsters, but young ADULTS. That's when I got to alanon thanks to friends.
I can only say to myself, I did the best I could with what I had at the time, lacking as it was. My kids all learned the hard way.
