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Ok -- it's time for me to just vent and get through some of my emotions before I truly go insane. I have been pleased with my AH's recovery for the past 8 years with only one or two backslides that I remember. During the past 5 months I have found his "hidden evidence " that he has started drinking again. I can't and won't allow myself and my daughters to be put through that H*** again. I told him last night that I can't stand to be lied to, to have things done behind my back and he knows that his lying isn't going to be taken anymore. He instantly said that he was stressed about a medical happening that is going on in his life and that he just gave in -- I fired back with I was stressed to and that I just talked to someone I trusted, prayed and knew that things were done for a reason and I could learned to deal with it. He also was told that his drinking was a total whimp out on life. Now yesterday morning I was taking out the trask and again found his "evidence" -- I am just so confused -- I want to pound him within an inch of his life but at the same time just want to show him that I am still here as a support that isn't going to give up and let him ruin my life again. I am right now considering telling him that I am going to a meeting on Saturday night ( where they just happen to have an AA meeting at the same time / location) and ask if he would like to ride along with me. I am just so confused with my feelings that I'm totally lost.
Sounds like your husband is in a relapse, and you're confronted with the big question "what am I going to do now?" . Have you EVER come to the right place !!!! I'm glad you're here, you will read, if you already haven't, all the stories we share with each other, and know your situation is actually common for us in Alanon, and we have ways to deal with it that can really help you keep your sanity :) . I know I felt like mine was threatened on a daily basis, or so it felt.
Confronting the alcoholic about drinking, then expecting that confrontation to "work" is pretty much pissin' in the wind. In Alanon the first thing I was taught by the "veterans" was I am powerless, was powerless, to do A SINGLE THING about him. But I had all the power in the world to change myself.
Yeah, he's the one with the problem, but I had a problem too. The confusion, heartache, frustration, preoccupation with his "evidence" made me into a serious hag, and I was so unhappy and bitter. That's no way to live.
For what it's worth, my alcoholic and I had "conversations" similar to the one you describe . . . I'm good with words and "come backs", and I used to just NAIL him to the wall. It never, ever made a dang bit of difference! Nothing I said ever did. Even turning him in to the sheriff, he goes to jail, I get a restraining order, nope, he's still out there raising he**.
Alanon is a program we work for ourselves, to get ourselves "back" to us, so to speak. I hope you come back and join us and learn how your life can be made better for you, no matter what your husband is doing to himself. We don't have to let alcoholism ruin our lives. The confusion and "lost" feelings go away when we start doing what WE need to do for ourselves.
I'm so glad you're going to a meeting!! Sure, invite him along, give him a minute or two to decide, and then get in the car and go with or without him. Do it for you, for your confusion and pain. I'm glad you're here and hope to see you around again soon :) Kim
That sucks girl. Sorry to hear that. I agree with Kim. Asking him to ride along or saying anything isn't going to change a thing. I do believe in voiceing your opinion though. A marriage will NEVER work as long as there is an addict in the house. Going to a meeting for you will be a good thing. This is why I had to get my alcoholic husband to leave our home because I would not subject my children to that hell again. They are too prescious for that and I had to be the strong one and protect them even if it was against their own father. We are here for you. Keep coming back. :)
He's doing what alcoholics do - drinking. Time to take care of yourself, because you KNOW he won't take care of you.
I wouldn't waste energy talking to him about it, does no good, and makes your relationship to each other worse. Instead, put the energy into thinking about what you can and cannot put up with, find some boundaries that you are willing and able to stick to, and get to meetings. You don't have to make a final decisoin right now, you can lie back and see how things go.
It won't hurt to let him know about the Saturday night meeting. Friendofyours is right, though, it may not matter to him. As long as you DO intend to go to your meeting whether he goes to the AA meeting or not. I hope you do. If you have been dealing with this for eight years, off and on, it might be time to look at dealing with his alcoholism in a completely different way - not dealing with it at all. It's his life to live in any way he chooses, regardless of the pain he is causing others and regardless of what we feel will happen to him down the road. We've all gone through this, so we're not minimizing your pain at all. We've learned that we can't control what others do - we can only control ourselves, and Alanon teaches us that in a way that is freeing to us and respectful to the A in our lives. Come back to the board, go to the meetings, read the Alanon literature. It really can help you look at your situation from a different perspective. Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
