The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was thinking today about where I am and where I've been over the past year since I first came to this board. When I first came I was so scared, I had just moved out of my house after seven years of dealing with heroin addiction and repeated treatments, alcoholism and repeated treatments, a husband who disappeared for days in a row, who asked me to choose between him and my child. During that year, I have learned that I can make it on my own, even with 3 kids to support and crappy social worker salary. Not only that, I can go to school too and get good grades in addition to working and raising 3 kids. Over time I stopped feeling sorry for him and started feeling angry at him. I finally put the responsibility where it belonged, squarely with him.
Over the past year I have watched him lose 3 jobs, about 60 lbs., 100% of his self respect, go to jail 3 times, get our truck impounded and sold off so that we still owed the full balance of the loan, extort me into letting him come over or he would not sign off on the sale of the house. Extort me for anything else he felt he had control over. Everything I asked him for had conditions. I have had him break into my house while I was out of town to steal money from me and snoop on my computer. Become increasingly paranoid and accusatory about me having a new relationship. I have had him call begging for me to pick him up from jail somewhere or bail him out several times. I have found multiple things missing from the times I allowed him to "visit". I have learned about him stealing a car, wrecking the stolen car and ending up in prison for several months. Having an ongoing relationship with "Dawn" who he was arrested in a motel for assaulting and then was with him again during the car stealing/wrecking escapade.
In the midst, I have gotten a restraining order which gives me custody of my son for a year, gotten a court order for child support so when he does get out he'll pay without conditions! Taken a semester of college courses and done well. Found a place to move that is much better for the kids and GOD willing, I'll get us moved before school starts!!
I have noticed that when we were together things were up and down and I never knew what to expect. Since parting my life has been traveling uphill in a positive direction and his has been spiraling down like a flushed toilet!
ONE YEAR LATER:::
I am moving to a brand new apartment with rent based on my income and in much better school district, I am going to school, I have 3 beautiful kids, a great car, a good job with a pay increase in July! woo hoo. I have gotten rid of tons of junk and am almost ready to move. I have a couple of people I can call friends.
He is in prison, he has several felonies, he has horriffic credit, no vehicle, no job, no place to live when he gets out, no driver's license, not even clothes to put on when he steps out the prison gate. No friends, one family member. Hopefully no wife by then!! Not a dime to his name. Just nothing. I have watched him go from a regular binge drinking alcoholic to absolutely nothing in a year and honestly he's lucky to still be alive.
Funny thing, when I first started out, I was DESPERATE to find another man. I chatted on the internet, went out every weekend searching (at the bar duh), and then finally I GAVE UP! Now I can barely get the motivation up to go meet anyone much less get all worked up about them. My time card is pretty full and there's no room for boyfriend and honestly, I'm perfectly happy with that and I really don't care anymore.
I always tell you this but I am happy to tell you again. I am so proud of you. I know exactly what it's like to have three kids depend on only you and you are amazing (like me, wink wink lol) Those children are going to make you so proud by being assets to society and they have you to thank for protecting them and showing them what strength, courage and self respect is. I am so sorry that it's their father and that in itself is so heartbreaking. I'm with you on the finding a man thing. It's tough because we know what we don't want and at our age it's like the good one's are taken. It's not exactly like we can put a sign on us and say "single but have three kids and an ex husband that's an alcoholic" lmao. I figure if one is out there he will find us ;) Keep on keeping on. I am proud proud PROUD of you!!! mwah
Congratulations. I hope this move is a good one for you. I know you will immense courage to keep gong. I am so impressed by how you use this board and how enterprising you are.
You deserve the good stuff and the more the better!! Our literature tells us to take the "bitter with the better" and your share surely sounds like you have!!
Learning to have as much or more hope for myself as I did for my alcoholic was a turning point in my recovery and a sign that I was learning fairness. It was also an indication that I was learning to "Let go" and I got to the point that my "horror" stories started to fade. I no longer needed to rely on them for self importance. I also learned that I no longer was aware of where she was at, with whom, doing what, where, when and why. The disease of enabling was beginning to go in remission. I was getting healthier.
I shared with another member of the group a time when going to college and dispatching for the CHP that I took a call from a field beat officer asking for information on the ID and warrants for a DUI stop on a female. The female was my alcoholic wife who was doing what she normally did...drink and suffer consequences. I responded to the officer that the "subject was known to this dispatcher" and then filled in the blanks when he was on break making his report. Of course the information I gave him had no "horror" story from the past...just "the Facts". I realized that I was filled with compassion and had come to the point of releasing with dignity to the consequences of her choices including those that had my part in them (not often good). I also had hope for her and stopped judging how bad it had gotten or would continue to get such as continued insanity and/or death. She got into recovery and if she works that recovery like she drank, she is probably very sober and helping others to attain and maintain theirs. It's none of my business no matter how much I care and am affected. Even if she took another man it was her choice and she needed to have dignity in that choice also. I hoped all would work out the very best for her and that she would have every blessing HP could ever give another person which was not a hope that usually occupied my thinking and feeling before program.
Stick around Carolina...more is coming and some of it beyond your wildest dreams. Some of it will have nothing to do with you and some of it will.
I think what you have replaced in thinking you "need a man" is finding out that you have self esteem and you like yourself enough to know that a man isn't what gets you through. YOU are enough. WTG! Girl! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I've been following your story and it's so wonderful to see the success.
"We need to allow the A's the dignity of making their own mistakes," and in the meantime, you went out and got yourself a life because you were focusing on you.
I love it! yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
