The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Originally, I came to this program because my A son separated from his wife and 2 children. It was the most horrible time of my life. That was in 10/2005. They are now divorced and ex-wife is remarried. I was so fearful of what this was going to do with the relationship I have with my granddaughters and the affects the divorce would have on them. A son is still drinking but not living at home anymore. He met a girl awhile back and they are living together. I am still enabling financially but am working to stop that.
Sunday, I get a call from my other dil who was saying that she did not know what to do anymore about my younger son's (who I now call my 2nd A) drinking. They live in another state and he is in the military. She is from Japan so she has no family here. I have to admit that I was very angry at my son at first. I tried to call and talk to him but he would not call me back. Later that evening after he went to work my dil called and asked me if I had talked to him. I told her no and proceeded to tell her how she should handle the situation. My first BIG mistake. She did not agree with my advice and probably told my son about the advice I had given her because now he will not even answer his phone when I call. I can totally understand him being angry for what I told her she should do. I could not tell her that I did not want to get involved because she needed support....so I gave her advice instead.
Something that has me really concerned is that they have been trying to have a baby for almost 5 years. Recently, I paid for them to begin in-vitro fertilization. I now think they should not go through with it and told her that. She doesn't understand much about the disease of alcoholism. Although her father was an A, it seems that it must be very acceptable in Japan. I don't believe there is any AA there or if there is, she does not know about it. I went there last year and everyone smoked and drank the whole time. I did not see a man that did not smoke.
So, where do I go from here? This all comes from fear of what I went through with my older A son divorcing his wife with 2 children. I don't think I could go through that again. I want to tell my son that I am very sorry for telling her the things I did. It really is none of my business but when she called me I thought I needed to tell her what she should do.
There is something called "trianglization" and that's when there are three members to a party and one of those members is stirring crap and the one that is usually trying to help ends up being the "bad" person. Stay out of those situations. You are in a place that you should not be in at all. You have every right to tell her "I don't want to get involved" and she will eventually get it. It's not your fault she doesn't have support. There is a ton of support out there. I am here with three young children by myself and if I need support I will join a group or go to my church so she's giving you a cop out. I would personally stay out of both of their business. Call only when you want to see your grandchild and that's it.
I have to say this......and I can because my children have an alcoholic father. I would not suggest helping to bring a child into a messed up situation. That's not a good idea (my opinion). I wouldn't wish that on any child.
Take care of yourself and only yourself. Good luck
Woops!!!!! I guess this is pretty much the reason Alanon says not to give advice or "should" on anyone. I know sometimes it's hard. I try to keep the "I" factor in place and what worked for me or "we"=Alanon.
When we make a mistake. All we can do is apoligize and admit our mistakes in the form of a call or card. Keeping in mind that there are certain universal laws. We can't make anyone DO anything no matter what we have advised or suggested. Another way of support for your DIL might have simply been a suggestion to try Alanon, some ESH and a understanding of what she was going through. Sometimes all people really want is someone to listen. Fixing and enabling are sometimes hard things for us to overcome even when we know we're doing it. But as we've seen here over and over, it just prolongs the fall.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
No doubt that has to be very troubling, but projecting often leaves me feeling empty and hopeless, when in reality things are not effected by my mood anyway. Only me....
Like Christy said... we have all done this, and there is nothing you can do to undo it.... but I have had luck with telling the truth, I said what I did with good intentions... and let them decide how they feel about that.
I have to work hard to not beat myself up for being human... but I am trying. I have done that with my son too... it is very hard not to. He is 22 and when he acts like he is 10... I want to swoop in there and treat him like he is 10.
My prayers are with you all!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
((((((Gailey))))) I am so sorry you are going through this. One suggestion is to write him a letter. You can't make him take your calls, read the letter or quite drinking for that matter, but it may give you closure to write what you have been trying to tell him. I am not sure if you attend face to face meetings, but I have found that you can't hurt any situation by focusing on yourself and your recovery!
Sending you a big (((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))).
When someone calls me for advice, I have started putting ? at the end of my responses. A good alanon friend of mine tends to do that and it really helps. This way you are not giving direct orders to someone, but suggesting possible courses of action. It gets a person thinking about their options. This has worked well for me from both sides of the conversation. A letter sounds like a good possibility to me, if you try to remember to treat it the same as a direct conversation. No shoulds, advice, etc. Maybe let one of your alanon friends read it before you send it to make sure.
We aren't very good at this at first, but it gets easier with practice.
Gailey wrote: So, where do I go from here? This all comes from fear of what I went through with my older A son divorcing his wife with 2 children. I don't think I could go through that again. I want to tell my son that I am very sorry for telling her the things I did. It really is none of my business but when she called me I thought I needed to tell her what she should do.
another way to look at it... you are not going through it, they are. As you said it is none of your business. You will have all the strength you need for your role in their problem. Our job is to love them and stay out of their way ( and apologize when we have humanly failed to do this). When I make a mistake (notice I did not say "if"), I try to just go back to the steps.
(((hugs))) in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
thank you all for your responses. I did write a letter and sent it by email. I apoligized for my part. Funny thing is....he wasn't taking my calls because he was fearful of what I was going to say to him. When I did talk to him last night he had not yet read the email so I apoligized for things he doesn't even know about.
I am learning a good lesson here. My older A son called last night to lay his problems on me. I was so proud when I said to him...."I do not have the answers for you, only you can figure these things out" This week both of my sons have admitted that they were alcoholics to me. I see that as a positive.
hate so much you are dealing with the pain of both of your sons suffering from this disease. also hate that your daughter-in-law is hurting too. I hope & pray that she too will find the courage to seek help for herself in a program of recovery such as Al-Anon.
Progress not Perfection - hopefully as time goes on we can learn to tackle this situations a little better - I too recently had a conversation about one of my daughters with my Mom. I heard myself telling my Mom what she should do about my daughter's behaviors. I had to call my Mom back and make amends for my behaviors. It is not my place to tell her what to do. All I can share it what I have tried and how it worked or didn't work for me.
Hope you are able to keep taking good care of you, my friend.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Gail, Wonderful to hear you had a positive turn. Boy do I ever know how crazy it can make us when we project disaster and incapability of others. And what a relief when we realize that, they too, are much stronger than we have given them credit for. Kudos to you on your progress. ((((hugs))))
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
). When I make a mistake (notice I did not say "if"), I try to just go back to the steps.