The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is so frustrating when all I want to do is cut my ties to my AH and move on w/my life. In saying that, I don't mean moving on to another man. But just getting on w/life. Ya know?
There always seems to be ties that bind us together. I cut one tie only to find another holding us together. Arrgg. It is so frustrating. Sunday night he called me late and said he needed to get into our storage unit to get his compressor and hoses b/c he had work lined up for Monday. Now I swore I would not give him any keys to anything again since the last time when he sold his gunsafe for drugs. Of course he claims that is not what the money went to but whatever. I am not stupid. So I assessed the situation and decided to leave him they key. Anything that is of any money value in that unit is his so if he wants to take it & sell it, fine. But I told him to return the key where he got it from once he was done. HE DIDN'T DO IT. This pissed me off. When I talked to him last night, I asked him why he hadn't done what he said he would. He flew off the handle at me. Giving this excuse and that excuse. He mentioned how much money it takes in gas for him to come to my house to get the key to the unit so he can get HIS stuff. Blah blah blah. And then he was mad b/c I didn't leave him the keys to my shed or under my house. He said I was making things difficult and all he wants to do is get to his stuff so he can get some work done and make some money. And if he wants to sell his stuff so he can put gas in his truck, etc. that is his business, not mine. I told him that something needed to be done about this situation. That we needed to get his shit out of my shed and from under my house so that we didn't have to go through this all of the time. Then he said that he would take his stuff to the storage unit. I am like - DUH!! Not a good idea b/c I am trying to get everything out of there so I can quit paying for the unit. It is going on MY card and he doesn't have any credit any more. As soon as I get my stuff out of there, I am stopping payments. I told him he'd be screwed then b/c he couldn't have his stuff any more. The storage people would. He said he'd get his stuff and put it under his mom's deck and if it gets stolen then that is just what will happen. I said Fine. Whatever.
It just pisses me off. I am trying to eliminate him from my life and he is making it so freakin' difficult. Arrgg. I just want it to be over already.
Hi QOD, I'm going through the same garbage now with my A friend who moved out a month ago. I truly believe, and I might be wrong, that they really don't see their demands as something that inconveniences others. Lucky me - mine lives right down the road from me - and has called saying he needs to come over and pick up something, or can I bring him his mail, or take him to pick up his car...etc., etc., etc. Of course, even though I usually do try and cooperate with what he wants, if I am able, I have to turn him down on certain things. Then I get the whole litany about how much he's done for me, and why don't I want to help him. Damn, it's exhausting! I guess the Aism or the mental illness causes them to be completely self-centered. It's an amazing transformation and it's just heartbreaking to watch. His demands and behaviors are alienating both his friends and family, and for once, I'm not there to run interference. I'm learning now that I shouldn't have been doing that anyway. If your A wants to get his stuff, he will find a way. It might take a little effort on his part. I don't know if he is used to you doing all of the problem-solving for him (like I did for years), but if so, it's something he needs to learn to do on his own. That whole 'taking responsibility for your actions' thing scares the hell out of alcoholics, because it's something they've gotten pretty good at avoiding.
Take care, Marion
__________________
Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Why don't you tell him to get his own storage unit or get one in his name for him? If he doesn't pay for it then the owner of the place will be more then happy to sell his stuff. You do not have to have ties with him. We make our own choices. Good luck. ^i^
Hi QOD, I so relate to what you are going through. One thing I did that helped was to make a list of boundaries to share with my qualifier. You have this amount of time to do this or that. If not, I will do this. Real clear. Now, I will be totally honest with you. I am not the greatest at following through and am currently in couple's counseling trying to see if I can salvage anything from my relationship. But, I have been told over and over to be clear. It may help you in this situation, it may not, but I thought I would share it. At the very least, for me, writing the boundaries, helped me to 1. figure out what I want and 2. keep my side of the street clean by being fair, trying not to fly off the handle and make threats. I am not saying you have, I am really just speaking about myself here.
I liked FOY's suggestion about seeing if the storage space can be put in his name. Although, without credit I am not sure if they will. I still get rude remarks from my qualifier about the cougar "I made him" sell out of my garage. It is hard to let that stuff roll of your back, but I just keep reminding myself that is the disease talking and not take his crap on. It isn't easy.
I don't know if any of this will help, but I hope you know you are not alone. I understand completely how frustrating it is to deal with this crap. Try to do something nice for yourself today.
LOL the insanity of it all!!! I can't help but laugh. I just last Friday mailed two boxes of important papers, pictures and stuff to the A's mom. I took all his bagged clothes and put them out at the garage sale and I'm going to have another this weekend and the rest will be donated. Why the hell should I take care of HIS stuff? If he can't manage to have a life and keep himself out of jail that's not MY problem! If it were me.... I would pick a day to have him come get ALL his crap and move all my stuff out of storage and tell him he has to have his stuff out or start paying by (enter date) or he will lose it. As long as you have his stuff he has an in to bother you anytime he wants. Same with the kids too tho, always an in forever. The judge can issue you custody and have him get supervised visitation that he can either pay a professional for or find an agreeable person to both of you. It pisses me off!!! It seems like they take pleasure in making you schedule your life so it revolves around them! Like it hasn't all this time anyway. Sorry just venting. I sure was glad to get his bags off my porch! His mom still asks me to mail her some of his clothes because he went to prison in hospital clothes and has nothing to wear when he gets out. Booooo Hoooooo shoulda thought about that before stealing a car and getting drunk and wrecking it!!!! Why do his problems always have to be my problems? The cure for me was to care about his stuff as much as he does - obviously he doesn't give a crap or he would have made sure it was safe!
Hang in there! Work towards your goals of separating from him and let him make whatever decisions and face whatever come from his consequences. Just above all, take care of yourself and how things affect you. Sounds like you are makign great progress doing so. Yes, he'll probably be mad and angry that he is having such a tough time... expect that anger. Just know he created his own bed and at some level the person he is really angry with is himself, but he'll probably try to rationalize everything as your fault....that is what they do - gives them reason to use. You don't have to accept responsibility for his hardships he is now facing - you know that. You are doing the right thing....hold on to that for your own serenity and keep making those great healthy decisions for you!! Hug to you
hi Q. I sure do relate.Cept the A I deal with, would never care to call or anything for his stuff. Once his brother called me asking me about him getting his stuff from his house.
I said, "he does not care."
If I were you I would gather up all his stuff from my house and get his stuff off my property and take it to where he is and leave it.
If you stop paying for the unit, and it is in your name, it will screw up your credit. So then I would tell him now to empty it as you are not paying next month. So that is that.
I have nothing here of A's except his bc and his discharge papers. I just couldn't burn those. But he even left his nice leather jacket that was his fathers.
I gave it to some nice family off freecycle.
Gave all his fancy work overalls, coveralls, and jackets to these guys who were mechanics. I spent a lot of money on his work cloths. I liked to spoil him when he spoiled me.
I don't even have his picture up anymore. I want NO reminders.
It is very clear you are ready for him to get out of your life.I am glad you have gotten so strong and gotten out of the pit completely. I know there are times it must hurt and you miss the man you love, but you see clearly now, you detached from the disease.
I hope you and the kids have fun together. Just go play. Get away from the drama, create some cool memories of just you and them.
Thanks. As far as the storage unit goes, when I cancel the payment with them, I will end the lease. He will have a choice, get his crap out or leave it & lose it.
