The material presented
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level.
So where do I start? I really don't know what to say. I feel very awkward by actually saying this because I have NEVER actually said these words to anybody else....my husband is an alcoholic. He has been an alcoholic ever since I met him 8 years ago, and now 8 years later we have 2 daughters and a home, his drinking is spiraling out of control and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. He has made it very clear to me that he has no intentions of quitting, I don't even try to discuss it with him anymore. He has been arrested and convicted of 2 DWI's and 1 public intoxic. He was sober for almost 60 days and then decided he wanted to drink again, so he stayed out all night up until the next morning. My children are horribly affected by this, as I am too, they can't understand why he does it and then makes promises (such as "I promise to quite) and then goes and breaks them. I am almost at the point of resenting him and his drinking. I feel as though he has put us on the back burner, I am the mistress to his drinking.
I will start attending al-anon meetings this Thursday in my town, it will be the first time I have done anything like this.
I'm very scared and I'm almost at the point to where I want to pack up and leave, I love this man so much that I can't imagine life without him. I'm sorry to have vented like this on you all -- so here I am admitting this and it scares the hell out of me. thanks for listening. CJC
Welcome CJC, it IS terrifying to admit this for the first time. It's a huge step forward for yourself.
I hope you've done some reading of other posts here, so you can see just how NOT ALONE you are! Even down to the details, many of us can truthfully say we understand!
How fantastic for you that you've found a meeting and are going.
Take it easy on yourself and just attend meetings, get the literature and educate yourself about alcoholism. That's all you need to do for now, besides anything you need to do to keep you and your children safe. I don't want to leave that part off! If he isn't violent or abusive physically, take this time to become familiar with what Alanon has to offer you and the girls.
And of course post here and ask questions and vent away, sometimes you just need to let it out around people who get it. It is a truly awful experience for you and the girls to be going through. It's time for you to know you aren't alone and that there is hope for YOU no matter what your husband chooses to do with his drinking.
Thanks for the welcome and assurance that I'm not alone. I did read some of the other posts and it is was a good feeling to know that I'm alone in this and that there is other people in this world that are human and go through the same things.
My husband isn't abusive in any way; not physically...but when he drinks he becomes mentally and verbally towards me; it is never directed towards the children; even though they know and are very aware of what goes on.
This is very much a hard thing for me to do, infact I haven't been able to quit crying for the past 3 hours -- not since I found this site and read some of the other posts and realized that I do need help to cope with this. This is something totally new and very unrealistic to me, I wasn't raised with alcoholic parents or in an alcoholic family -- I find myself wondering what in the world possessed me to marry somebody that drank, was I trying to punish myself or something? But that isn't the case, I just fell in love with the sober man.
I'm nervous about attending the al-anon meeting this thursday, I'm afraid that I am going to break down and flip out in middle of the meeting, start crying and have to excuse myself. I feel like I have completely lost control of my life, my feelings, my emotions and everything around me. I have never felt this way.....it is scaring the hell out of me to be right down honest. I try to be strong for my kids when all I want to really do is curl into a ball and cry, but I wasn't raised to give up either.
I feel like I've lived a complete lie for the past 8 years -- CJC
And welcome to Miracles in Progress and the Al-Anon Family Groups. Your post was a page out of my diary and my alcoholic was female. I too did not think I would ever hear myself say that she was alcoholic. I was also afraid...very afraid at first. If you read prior post on this site you will find that your story has been repeated often by others. If you read their later post you will be able to see the understanding they have acquired about the disease of alcoholism and how they are changed today. All of the stories are tragedies...all of them. This disease is a complusion of the mind and an allergy of the body. As it continues to go on and get worse the only out comes are sobriety (total abstinence), insanity or death. No only the drinker gets to go insane or die. This disease has no prejudices.
I am glad that you made right decisions even though you are afraid. Fear is the stopper and if you can do what is right and be afraid at the same time that is the courage that you will hear about over and over in recovery.
Addictive drinking is something that is progressive and without arrest it gets progressively worse. Don't blame yourself for not seeing from the start. At the start it all seems usual and okay. When it spirals out of control that is usually where the sirens go off and we start looking for help. You're okay and even normal for the wife of a practicing alcoholic. In time you will come to understand more...so take your time here. Take "One day at a time" and as Kim suggested be gentle with yourself.
You can be nervous...that is normal. You can cry at meeting, first meetings and every one there after that is okay also cause your tears added to our tears keeps it all real and washes away the denial that keeps sooooo many others affected by this disease walking around with blinders while their lives go to hell in a hand basket. You can break down and flip out in the middle of the meeting, start of the meeting, end of the meeting and probably the only reaction you'll get is patience and compassion. I gave flipping out a new definition and if you stick around someday I'll tell you about it. You can let the kids see you hurt cause they are feeling hurt also. They need to know it is real....not hopeless but real. They will also see you go for help and witness the changes in you if you stick it out. Please stick it out for yourself first...the kids will follow and get from you over time.
Feeling like you have completely lost control of your life, feelings, emotions and everything else around you is sometimes described as a "bottom". I had to have a good one...a very good one, like falling off of a 5 story building and hitting every balcony below and then the sidewalk before I came in to the Family Groups. That is what it took for me. The other bottom that was waiting just the other side of the sidewalk was suicide. In reality I did have a successful suicide. I didn't end my life...I ended how I was living it. The unsuccessful type is when nothing exist after. The successful one is getting a happy, joyous and free life in replacement...one that is well worth living.
Let the fear motivate you into your first meeting and as many as you can get to over the next 90 days. For certain keep coming back here and share what is happening with you.
I think it's completely understandable to be a bit nervous about walking into your first meeting, but I encourage you to screw up your courage and go. I joined Alanon two years ago, and the help I have received has been invaluable. Over the last two years, I went from being nervous about going to my first meeting, to feeling an assured and valued member of my home group. I have found a wonderful circle of friends there who truly understand what it is like to have an A in my life and have gained so much experience, strength, and hope from the other members.
I also wanted to reassure you about the crying...it is perfectly o.k. to cry. No one will comment on it, or embarrass you in any way. We ALL have been there--discouraged, heartbroken, and so sad over the situation with the A in our lives; many of our new members cry during their first few meetings. You don't even have to talk during any meeting; you can just come and be there. About a year into going to Alanon a difficult situation arose with my A father and at my meeting that week I started to talk and then my voice broke and I just started to sob. Everybody just got still and was just there with me while I sobbed. My sponsor came over to me and just put her arms around me and said something soothing. Another member passed me a tissue. No one told me to get over it or that I was being silly. Just being able to cry like that--full body sobs--was so healing for me. I have lived so long without being able to acknowledge how painful dealing with alcholism is, and everyone in my meeting understands what that's like. After a moment, I collected myself and said "pass" and the next member spoke. Whenever anyone cries in my meeting all I feel is deep, deep empathy with that member for how hard things are with an A and gratitude that the member has gotten their courage up to seek help for her or himself.
I encourage you to go to a meeting; they have been a lifeline for me. In my homegroup, some first timers bring a friend or family member for support--you might consider bringing someone if you need the support to get through the door.
Thank you for sharing your story Jerry F and Bluecloud, it does mean more to me than you will ever know. I guess I definetly hit my bottom, and it isn't one that came on easily...this is more like a frieght train hitting me.(This is much harder than child birth!) WOW! How harsh reality can be to a person when they aren't telling themselves them truth, 8 years of not telling the truth to be exact.
I'm definetly ready to attend the alanon meetings. I'm ready for this, I'm ready to do this for myself, and no matter how hard it is for me to admit this to myself, I know that it is what is best for me and my family. Like I said, I do love my husband so much, and it is tearing me up not knowing from one moment to the next what he is going to do....is he going to come home? Is he going to go drinking? And it is his choice, I can't make the decisions for him. I don't want our marriage to end in divorce, and that is what I am afraid of too. I am scared of so many things right now that I can't even begin to express them into words. I am not the kind of person to accept defeat easily; I just wasn't raised that way...perhaps that is the reason this "bottom" was so hard for me. Accepting defeat and knowing that I can't fight his problem and fix it, and that it is one he will have to want to do.
I have never had anybody to talk to, so when I found this sight a few days ago I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything at all. And then tonight it was almost like a light came on and I had to get out in the open...I had to say those words...my husband is an alcoholic. In all honesty, it is almost like a huge birden has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel better about it now. I'm not the reason that he does these things, he is.
I have 2 friends which is going to attend the alanon meetings with me, it is a mother and her daughter whose daughter (and sister) is also an alcoholic, and I've known them since I was a teenager; it is a reassuring feeling to have them there to sit beside me and be with me. I am unsure of what is going to happen, and I am going to take all of your advice and take this one day at a time, that is all I can do now. I just can't understand all of the confusion and emotions that is coming with this, it is something new for me and I feel like the world is crumbling down around me.
I don't have a lot to add to what you has already been posted in response to you. I just wanted to say also that step one, Admitting that we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable, is a hugh accomplishment and the beginning of our own recovery from the effects of the family disease of alcoholism.
Sounds like you are well on your way.
I cried to at my first meeting, and a lot of meetings after that one! I still cry at meetings sometimes after 3 years. As was already mentioned, crying in meetings is nothing to be worried or ashamed about. If everyone who cried in a meeting, excused them self from the room, some times those meetings would empty out!
Keep coming back!
And again, welcome to Al-Anon and welcome to Miracles in Progress.
Welcome! The first meeting I went to I cried and cried and cried and it was ok. The worst part of it was that one of my coworkers was there for the first time too. I didn't really feel comfortable talking in front of her. I found this board to be the most helpful thing for me. I did go to mor meetings and the coworker was never there again and it did give me some comfort to know that she was also dealing with this issue. I think talking about it makes it real and hearing from other people that almost every one of them have gone through almost exactly the same things is comforting. Sometimes I read my story on here and it makes me realize they all follow the same path. I left my husband almost a year ago and I felt just like you do now. I didn't think I wanted to live without him, I loved him so so much. I still love him, I just know that I can't live with him or put my kids through that anymore. I hope you keep coming back, take this chance to get it all out there and have other people to talk with who have been there. Sometimes I go back and read my posts from the beginning and it's amazing how much I have changed!
Nothing wrong with crying at the meeting - most newcomers can't even say anything for the first five or six meetings, they just cry. Finally somewhere where you can speak the truth.
My husband sounds like yours - he was verbally abusive when drunk, and short tempered when sober, sometimes, but always OK with the kids. He sobered up when they were young teens. We were able to stay together, and even be pretty happy while he was drinking, in large part through my detachement. I was able to let go of his drinking, and build a life for myself and the kids, even though he was not often willing or able to be part of it. As I let go of my control of him, he became less abusive.
Remember - he is not really choosing to do this, and he is not doing it 'to you'. The person he is hurting most is himself. Once you really understand that there is something wrong with him, you might find it easier to stop blaming - both him and yourself.
Welcome to you - you are not alone! Admitting a problem is the first step towards resolving it. For alcoholics, getting through their own denial that they do have an illness and a problem is the first step. Going to Al-Anon and posting is wonderful, you are doing the right thing and I can assure you it will get better for you through time. Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics, they are powerless and can not stop, even though they make promises to themselves and others. That is why they need a program of recovery but they need to find it and want it for themselves. For those of us around, we need our own recovery program as we have been affected by the disease too. When I first started Al-Anon, I was advised to read and learn about the disease as much as possible but to make sure I kept the focus on myself, otherwise the disease consumes us and makes us progressively ill. There is so much I would love to share with you, just know the program really truly works if you are ready to work it for yourself. Keep coming back - you're doing the right thing! Hug to you!
Hi CJC, Welcome to the board and welcome to Alanon! Can't emphasize enough that everyone felt the way you feel now. I started attending meetings a little over a month ago, and in that time, have found so much wisdom and support from face-to-face meetings and from this site that I feel like a new world has opened up! It's still scary, I still cry sometimes, I try to work the program, I worry about the A in my life...all of that jazz. But, it's gotten so much better and I can look at today (and only today) with the understanding that I'm not alone and don't have to face all of these changes by myself. I've never been married, but as you can see by some of the posts, there are always choices. Staying or leaving are not the only two choices you have, and, as lin0606 has said, and others will tell you, you can stay with an active alcoholic and not be frightened or depressed all the time. Others decide to end their marriage. All of the decisions you make about your life and the lives of your daughters are to better your situation, and whether that is with or without your husband does not have to be decided today, or even tomorrow. Your life, your time. Just remember that this program and the people who follow it are here to give you ESH (Experience, Support, and Hope), so please keep coming back. Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
This morning I woke up and checked my email, all you have absolutely overwhelmed me with the wonderful, caring, and touching responses. I feel like I can finally let go of all of this burden and be myself again. I TRUELY appreciate all of you and all of the kind words. When my husband came home last night there wasn't a whole lot of words spoken between he and I....which is very normal for us when he has been drinking...even if it was a few days ago or a few hours ago. All I kept thinking to myself, I finally found what I needed, not what we need, but what I needed.
Thanks to all of you! I'm definetly here and I'm definetly NOT going anywhere.
